The Spirits that live among us

So yesterday I went off to Spirit Church ...  Or whatever it is called .... My friend put me onto this ...
My sister was intrigued so she joined me last night ... Well, I joined her.

Well, have to admit. Very cool. I went back in November, the lady was alright... I'm thinking ... I was "a little" moved .. But not much... Her stories were mere suggestions, although she did deliver messages to people that were still reeling at the loss of their loved one.

LAST night ... Was what I believe ... Truly remarkable ....

The spirit man identified a mother and two daughters that had lost the husband /father. The one daughter had dyed her hair ... And the spirit man said the father didn't like her hair being coloured ... Interesting ... She looked a natural blond to me ... BUT when I saw the girl from the front .. I could clearly see she was dark haired ... To some degree .... Interesting ... The spirit man was able to give them clear details about their loved one ... So that was interesting.

The Asian appearing woman with the deep voice (that visited the first time, last time), was back, in the same spot, with the same annoying voice, blubbering about her same sadness, and the spirit man TOLD her her husband wanted her to move on ... Hopefully she will take her late husbands advice. PLEASE.

The couple that lost their son in a car accident, NEED to take the sons spirits advice and MOVE ON ... He has asked them to get rid of  his ashes, as they are not him ... He is FINE .... And wishes for them to be happy ... As it very clearly appears they are not.

The spirit man found a spirit that had committed suicide, except it was an accident ... The spirit said he didn't know what happened to him ... He just fell asleep, and never woke up. FINALLY a woman came through and said she knew him ... The Spirit Man was insistent that the spirit was coming from their spot in the church, when the girl finally spoke up. Interesting.

The fellow was able to give us a name of a man, (James) he knew that 2 grandkids were named after this man, he was able to determine autism, and knew that one of them were "growing out of it" .... And YES, that is a possibility .... Or at least it becomes LESS pronounced as one of the kids has aged. He spoke of separation (the sisters husband away in India for a month), and odd things like, he apologized for "not being around much" ... The spirit man told us that he is around us much much more than before (something that I already knew, or had a feeling of actually!), and something to do with shots in the arm ... (Butterfly needles in my dads arm, as he died) ... What he DID not say ... Was Thank You to my sister ... Which clearly she was looking for.

And that was the night ... Interestingly comforting to think that yes, there are the Spirits that live among us.

Come here, sit down .... And ... WAIT.

OK... Really ... I would love to know the mind fuckers that have re-entered my life suddenly.

I say it happened suddenly ... Because it appears that is the case, when I wasn't actually paying attention.

MONTHS ago I tried getting my drivers license re-organized so I could drive with my left foot. The BC transportation safety board are working on applications ... From September 1st. I sent my application in .. In October ... Although I sent PART of the little bastard application in .. In September ... Meanwhile ... This BITCH has been immobilized by the 3.2 million drivers in British Columbia that someone has to deal with. Today ... I am starting to LOSE my patience at the stupidity. I knew this would happen. OMFG ... Just hurry up for craps sake .....

Then ... I called the Rehab's specialists office ... The very lovely secretary told me the wait to see the first plastic surgeon was 3 - 4 months ... I suggested it may not be best to wait for him .. Since he wasn't too much in a hurry to fix me when this WAS cancer.... Certainly NOW .. That it isn't ... He will be in that much LESS of a hurry! Moving onto the 2nd plastic surgeon now .... For the LOVE of GAWD ... Hurry this up.

Oh wait ... That's not going to happen on all accounts ... I am a NOBODY in this world of numbers, and face less names ....

Yes, too many cups of coffee ........!!!!!

Yoga-mat users anonymous.

Yesterday, well, last evening yesterday I used my yoga mat. To simply lay on. Is that being profoundly lazy or not? I did not have any real intentions to actually exercise the leg either. I happily layed there ... And watched "The Office" ... I didn't realize that it was truly a funny show ... OK WELL I knew it was a funny show ... Except I did not take the time to enjoy it ... Now I am ... Except for the small problem of me falling asleep on the yoga mat ... BUT only for a short time .... I didn't sleep for like 43 episodes or anything ... Despite me just documenting that I enjoyed the show .. I still fell asleep. Someone's not telling the truth I am thinking!

So I think I am still going to use the yoga mat today ... Because I actually quite like sitting on it ... Even though I am not so moveable while standing, I am very moveable when sitting!

In speaking/thinking of yoga mats ... The lovely physioga lady will be helping me out in the yoga department once the leg makes a re-appearance. We have determined that we will get some chair yoga going, and then once I can maneuver with the leg machine, we will transition to yoga-ing with the mat ... And me, STANDING .... Holy freazuker-luscious that should be mind bending awesome!

Must. Stop. There.

Can't get ahead of me, a LEG, and a Yoga mat!

Reprieve Day 2

Yesterday in DeannaLand was a little (a LOT) quiet ....

Although ... I wasn't entirely by myself ... I did have people come in and out of the house ! I just didn't enter or exit the home ... How BORING am I ... ?

Today ... I have even LESS on my plate! I have nobody popping in, or out ... Nor do I need to go somewhere!

Although the day is still quite young ... Being 0900 in the morning ... So ONE never knows where things could go from here!

In the meantime:

I made a dishcloth. Kind of a step down from my beautiful scarfs, or tams ... But with every step one takes, you get to learn something ... So I have managed to learn some new knitting techniques. Go Me. Perhaps I should find a knitting blog .. And see other peoples projects ... Or Icould just have a look at Ravelry or Pinterest ... For real.

My sister in law and I had a fairly reasonable chuckle at "the black hole" of Pinterest. You start with your early morning cup of coffee & breakfast ... And some "light" interest looking ... Only to surface 5 hours later, 4 hours behind schedule of the day's events, stuck in your morning attire, teeth not brushed, and meeting somebody for lunch .... PLUS, the very sad fact ... WHO are these engineering wizards that come up with gazillions of brilliant ideas PLUS take pictures of them ..... Yes, I leave Pinterest feeling a deep well of sadness that there are real live actual people that are productive and talented humans .. And all I have done is slide my finger across a screen all morning ...  !

OK .... Not that I am ready to slice after looking through Pinterest .. Although the laughter element is true about the "time wasted" .. But NOT really wasted looking at things!

Back to my pathetic washcloth. It isn't truly that "pathetic" ... But it is NOT "perfecto" either ... I made a mistake in the first number of rows with my "counting" of stitches ... However, the washcloth recovered after the addition of the required 2 extra stitches that were missing from the previous section. I had to get serious with the question ... Will THIS affect the dishcloths performance .... ? Will the dishcloth be unable to wipe a counter, or clean the glass without leaving a smudge on it? What EXACTLY will happen if I do NOT perfect the dishcloth pattern .... Well for one thing ... It certainly isn't Pinterest worthy ... So maybe my brain might explode just knowing the imperfections of such a hideous entity. Or not. I have determined the cloth will be fine, as fine as it was sitting on the shelf, in a bin, waiting for a purpose. It's not like it's going to have to endure the land for misfit toys!

Well, Day 2 of this reprieving business, I wonder what I will accomplish !? I think I am going to have a date with Bob Ross. 

Today WAS the day!!!

So today was the day it all starts ....

I start with the construction of a LEG!!!

I'm gonna get a leg.

A leg up.
A leg apart.
A leg down.
A leg worth of race.
My leg of this race ... Has arrived!

It is finally here ... Today was the day ...

BUT ....  Here's the funny part ...

I am only getting a leg, cause this has taken so long .... Not really because it's a real leg that I will be boomeranging around with any day soon.

It's a leg to appease my brain actually. A little snippet of reality of what is supposed to be really happening .... However ... It's not a real leg that can be justifiable HERE IT IS.

It doesn't make sense does it .... But that is the reality ... I am getting a leg, so I can just get going ... Get going on something .. And "on something" I will take.

So unbelievably excited .... FINALLY .... This woman is moving on! Just in time .. I got new runners too!

Breast Cancer worries BEHIND me.

That's a billboard worth yelling about!

Not only is it behind me, it is also behind two other very very important people in my life.

Thank you new age fancy technology for detecting things that otherwise with the old "film" way of doing things, would not have been picked up .. However with the NEW way ... The digital imaging picked things up .. And stupidly in my case ... The CT Scan showed something that they weren't even looking for.

So NOW .. After waiting two months for this day to come and go, this day has managed to do just that .. Come and go .... Unremarkable, and definitely forgettable ... So glad for this.

The people will not be as forgettable .. The lady ... Who had been sitting for an appointment .. For two hours ... The Asian couple, who were more worried about the radiation from the mammogram machine, rather than breast cancer itself ... Then finally .. The woman with seemingly beautiful dementia/Alzheimer's that didn't quite seem to know anything .. In particular .. And was highly confused by my wearing of the two gowns, and where to put her clothes ... What a gem .. If I had to have sat a MOMENT longer with this woman .. I was totally going to ask .. "Do you live on your own?" ... Because LORD knows how she remotely functions !

WE collected our land title registery on our house today. That was even more exciting. Or maybe not ... But it had the potential to be exciting ... Official land owners .... !

Alright ... More leg talk to come .. Will save that for another day .. Gotta keep something to write about here !!!! 

Well, next phase ..... Of this ....

So I worked on and off all day at my application .... My application for CPP Disability benefits.

I think I am seriously having a hard time with this.

I believe I am cured .... I am no longer disabled ... However, because of my cure ... I am without a leg. I am without a leg because of my original condition. My original condition lead me down the path of somehow requiring immunosuppressants, which I believe for the most part ended up with me having cancer. Kind of a lose lose situation.

Except now I am now on the new path of being free ... Except for the fairly large inconvenience of being legless .... And with an autoimmune disorder that burdens me ... Like currently ... It has taken close to 6 months to heal this leg .. 1/2 a freaking year .... I thought I would have been walking by now ... Or something close to that ...

At any rate ... My application is done ... My LTD company sent me the info as it is a requirement ... So .. I have done it ... As much as I have not wished to be on LTD, or receiving benefits of any sort ... Other than a good honest day's paycheque ... But that is for another day it seems.

Next phase ... Please hurry !!!!!!!!!!!

Raw carrots & soup

Interesting day.

I have quietly decided you can just never hand over peace to someone. Not possible. IMpossible. Hugely IMpossible.

My frenzied home bound energy can be a bit on the overwhelming side ... Especially if you are not up to snuff of being on the receiving of the whacky craziness.

I am tired of being locked here, away from people, unable to be free to do as I please, when ever I please, and MORE NOTABLY .. Obligated to be places, where otherwise I have to be away from the home, and out of touch.

In the thrill of never being good enough, the sister was most not pleased with my sudden silence on the texting machine. She fails to realize that I had nothing fucking to say. Not a word. I didn't talk to her, I didn't talk to my any other people, unless they talked to me ... I just haven't.

I gulped fresh air, sat on the porch, even in the pouring rain of winter, ... Just to keep my mind in a stream of moving forward. The sister told me she was pissed that I was silent. I am silent for many reasons.... I have texted before ... Many times, and things have been left, with no message returned. I haven't been bothered to challenge her on her response one time ... "Ah, I didn't feel like it" ... Thanks, good to know that I wasn't worthy.

At the end of the day her mammogram came back pretty much negative. She then said to me that I shouldn't be going to pieces because of her shit .... Uhmmmm .... Thanks, but please don't tell me how to feel, I am allowed to be concerned .... And quite frankly, being locked up in a house ... Unable to partake in the real world .. Sometimes you are left thinking about things a little too often ....

Jesus Fucking Christ .... I wasn't going to pieces ... However ... Knowing that I have another important person in my life walking the same path as her, and me left just waiting in limbo still ... Ya ... I am allowed to feel the way I feel. Fuck.

Oddly enough .. I have been silent ... However ... Probably way more silent because I actually have nothing of any value to contribute .... I am kinda wildly bored being locked in a home that I wish to be away from .... It's almost as though I am waiting for the lottery ticket to cash in .... I dare to dream of the possibilities of what is going to happen around the corner .... Once this leg get's returned to it's starting position!

No soup for you .. Or me....  Just a whole bowl of slop.

The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess .... 

Impatiently Patient.

What a moron I am. How can one be like this .. ?

But yes ... I am the comedy of the worst line up ever ... The longest, biggest, baddest line up there ever was. AND I am just that stuck, that there is NO getting out of it!

So in today's working of how things go ... The very nice, and excitable home care nurse shows up ... And packs the eencie weencie little tiny wound ... With approximately 3 inches of packing ... That is the MOST packing I have seen anyone do ... I think this thing should have been packed WEEKS ago .. And even still ... The other equally very nice home care nurses were not so aggressive in their packing .. I had a tiny little amount ... Barely an inch, if that.  What this stuff is supposed to do, is wake up the cells, and kick them into healing action, which is exactly what is going on ... However .. Like I said .. There is the tiniest of holes ... So hopefully TODAY, with the increased inches ... The hole will now make a completely make a disappearance !! Cheesus freaking crackers ... Enough already.

So in other things ... The Lego man is on hold for another week. Cause ... Why not. ... Right ?

OH GAWD ... The Minzie is HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Driving chaos situation case 4,530. ... Here we go. Details to come. 

The life that's in us.

Wow, heavy title. But not really.

So I made my 21 year old son a Betty Crocker birthday cake, in a funnel pan. It broke apart. So did I. How the FUCK does one screw this up?

You have to see it from my perspective ... Doing this all one legged is pretty god damned irritating ...but I go about my business, hoping to make a double chocolate cake for the lovely wild boy ... And the fucking thing breaks.

Is it so hard to screw up a Betty Crocker cake ... Really ..?

In the next instant ... I get a text from my sister ... She has been waiting on test results for a stupid polyp that has decided to grow inside of her ... NEGATIVE, same with the CT Scan.

Two NEGATIVES equal a positive right .. ?

Fuck I hate math ! I hate the rules of math, the concepts, the magics and the unknowns .... It swirls about us unfurling it's infinite ways to which spill unto us .... Determining where and what direction we are headed ....

My direction ... Was tears ... Of madness, of sadness, of relief, or exasperation. I hate the fucking math that comes with Christmas time ... And the number of days it takes for offices & departments to start working again ... We are forced to wait for appointments while the world happily rejoices ... Meanwhile ... Betty Crocker cakes crumble, and then so do we.

Again .. No fucking humour here today ... 

Happy New Year to all you yogi's out there !

Somehow all of this doesn't seem quite right. So last year, I had a leg and could drive. So far this year, I am MISSING a leg & have a brand new car, and CAN'T drive!

However, humour prevails, and my GOAL for the end of this year is to gain a leg & the ability to drive. Not a difficult task..... Says me ..... Who still hasn't healed from my leg being chopped off five LONG months ago!

Almost the end ... Near the end ... Happy for the end!

It couldn't be any truer !

This time last year I was quietly waiting for the end of the year, and hesitantly happy for the start of the new year ... Although apprehensive ... But all the same ... Ready to embark upon a year of recovery from a foot surgery.

Wow ... I got more than I bargained for ... An extended journey into hell, three surgeries, a bone infection, and a fourth surgery which resulted in my leg being amputee, my wound still not healing after five months, no chance for a leg until at least February, and a license not amended so I could gain back some independence and DRIVE myself places! And the uncertainties of a CT Scan that will not be resolved until the end of January. This year has been met with truly some challenges.

Even still, I am in a way better place than I was at this time last year ... Although I am still missing my body part, it will come to me, and I will be stronger!!

I am ever so happy to be ending off this year in some solitude that life will resume it's regular pace, and I will be pleased to help individuals as the need arises. Sounds odd, but those "go fund me" pages that request money for things ... To help people out ... They are a good thing ... So I have decided. Where currently I can not do errands for people, or offer up any type of hands on help, I can offer up the gift of money, in their times of need.

I so can't wait for the end of January to make it's appearance ... !!!! A leg, a tooth, and a left gas peddle adaptor are all on the horizon ... Now all I need is for that sunrise to make it's debut!! I will be so grateful for the end of this year's darkness ... It's almost the end!!!!

Ho Hum ... how is it I feel so glum?

Well .. I can tell you why ...

I am way more emotionally invested in this "band" than I wish acknowledge.

This is my boy, who at the end of Grade 9 was "given" a beautiful $3500.00 keyboard. This thing did NOT get wasted ... for a single second. What did get wasted was the time that he (including the band) spent playing at venues with perhaps a dozen people to watch them,  ... in awe of their raw talent ... which is something they did not lack in ... in any regard.

 I am so so so grateful that I took the time to go and see him play, and record these events, and throw them on YouTube; where for as long as YouTube will be around .. so will my boy and his fantasmical playing ability ... that never got to see the limelight as the other parts of his band over shadowed him.

So tonight ... he called a meeting ... and told the band members to be there ... even though they were all heading out for a party at six oh four records ... as he could not wait over their "christmas break" to let them know that he wished to step back.

The nicest part of my son is this .. while he completely wants to walk away (it has been six years), he still felt that he wanted to help them with shows around "here", or with recording backing tracks, and finding a "replacement" ... (which NOW he deeply understands how UNREPLACEABLE he is) ... sounds all big shotted and fancy-pants speaking about "my boy" like that ... but that is what it is ..

This has been two years in the making ... he has stayed for two additional years ... just to ensure that he was "certain" about his decision about removing himself from this band.

And now tonight ... it was important that he tell these really talented guys ... there are lots of talented guys ... there really is ... but finding them is a challenge ... and for MY BOY .. moving on to growing up is a bigger challenge when you have to give out these types of let downs ...

So back to me ... I am in tears .. perhaps just ALL OF LIFE catching up to me ... perhaps the knowing that he did what he could do, and this is the end of the road ... and yet I know that it is the end of the road in THIS REGARD, but a whole new road to be traveled on his own. But I am sad. I am just sad that while he didnt have big hopes and dreams (that this was his golden ticket) .. it just didn't work out for them ... I feel sad that I was never able to hand them over $50,000.00 and say "go make your recordings" ... and "let's find you guys a real agent" ... and so none of that happened ... so they didn't happen. I am sad for the music that is now left behind. I am sad that they will just drop him, and say .. ya, it's been nice.

When the boy gets home ... he may or may not tell us stories .... thus I wait .... so glumly ... 

The Band No MORE Boy

So ... all good things must come to an end. Sometimes.  I am feeling a bit apprehensive for the boy today .... as I have a feeling he is very much feeling that way himself. He has remained hidden inside the confines of his room ... just "chillin" I am guessing.

He has decided to end his good times with the band that he is in. Mind you .. in reality he really doesn't wish to quit. He wishes to NOT quit so much that it's eating him up inside. However; in an effort to grow and expand into his adulthood he needs to move on. He can't move on, while he is forced to remain at something where he ONCE loved, but somehow knows he just needs to go.

He spent a month back in September/October traveling and playing ... he decided that THIS was not the life for him ... He didn't like imposing on complete strangers couches, and the unknown of where he would shower at the start of the day, or for how long would he get to sleep before they had to pack up and leave to their next destination. So not what he wishes to do for the "rest" of his life.

My boy has simply said that his style of music has changed, he doesn't wish to be a "part of the background." Not that he is going to "go it alone" in his musical ways, although he very much is wishing to move on with his musical self.

I have always said ... and still say ... He is completely Elton John, but a 21st century Elton John. He isn't meant for background .... this guy has just got what it takes in the front of the show talent department ... and yet has the graces to not let it go to his head ...

So today I am feeling sad for him ... he wants to tell them tonight at band practice, and yet is not going to, as they have a show tomorrow night ... so he doesn't wish to wreck their HIGH.

Well, ... but moving forward .. it may open doors and opportunities for other engagements that he can participate in ... a young lady said to him last week that she could sit and listen to him for hours ... the nice part about that comment was the fact that she was a piano teacher herself, and had been playing for twenty years ... so a compliment to the boy himself as to the level of talent that he possesses.

Interesting though ... eventually things change ... as time moves on.

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

Wow ,...

Guess what I found ....  MY CARD READER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It had been "missing" for quite some time ... SOME LOTS of time it seems. I was never able to upload photos of this beautiful bomb shell. However; now I have ... and thus ... Grad photos from MAY are in order. This day was brutally WARM ... little did we know, THAT this day, along with weeks upon weeks filled the calendar ... all the way up until October.  It was quite the weather spell we were under. 

So here is the beautiful babe ... and just like when she was just a wee babe .. this brother loved her to the moon and back ... just the same way he did when he got to meet her for the first time, and the same as this day, her graduation day!

Burgundy brown.

That's my hair colour.

I washed it today .... the water ran pink.

I pay actually money for this, this is not a mistake ... I repeat .. NOT A MISTAKE. How the hell have I gone from "once upon a time" looking like Snow White ... to mother of the year in the hair styling department ... ?

This hair could win awards in the prettiest flower colour of fall ... I am the perfect PANSY colour !!

I spent the day hunting ... BIG time hunting ... not big game mind you ... HOWEVER .. it was a big game to try and find what EXACTLY I was looking for .. which is a knitting pattern! I want to knit a particular type of sweater jacket ... and it's taken me hours to LOOK for something that MIGHT be the best thing to put together ... !! Of course we have to keep in mind that I am a fairly amateur knitter ... so big projects have to be on the simpler playing field ... there's trade off's you know !!

And WEIGHING in heavily in "trying to not overthink shit" ... is this whole bullshit that I have happening inside my left chest ... WTF ... waiting for "the next test" to confirm what SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON ...

And now ... settling back to my next baddest boyfriend in town ... BOB ROSS !!!!

Are you FREAKING kidding me ...

I hate cancer. As anyone should. I really fucking hate it.

On my agenda this week: going to see the Lego Man ... for the start of the rebuild of the leg that is missing due to cancer ...

Then ...

Ring Ring ....

Hi this is Deanna ...

This is Dr. GP's office ... Dr GP would like to see you in follow up.....

Oh OK ...

Make the appointment .. The End.

Now I am left waiting to FIND OUT  what the fuck they found on the CT.

Mini breakdown ... fortunately a friend was here ...

Sue helped me through the mini meltdown.

THEN ... HI .. It's Dr Onccologist calling ... The CT Abdomen was clear ... except that they saw something on the left breast.

Ya ... but what about my NEW LEG that I am going to try on NEXT WEEK....  that is what my plans were ... those were my FREAKING plans ... not visiting the GP to deal with a new found suspicios something.

No Humour here today ..... other than ...

I got my hair coloured ... so now it's burgundy in flavour .... !! 

Hey Lady - over here!

So today I went for a CT Scan ... they had a pretty little look at my abdomen. Not that there is anything wrong with it, that I know of. Life will go to holy terrors of hell if it comes back that they have detected something.. as NOTHING should be living inside of me. Except for that gerbil, in my knee, when I am laying on my stomach, and bending my "little leg" up and down. What an UGLY feeling that is ... hence why I say I have a gerbil living in me ..

So that CT Scan dye is pretty awesomely cool ... and I did not notice "this" before as the dye flushes through your system ... and it crazily flushes ... then, just when you think you have been "scanned" into success .. your eyebrows slowly raise ... and now you are left feeling like you have peed your pants. Yes ... and then you lay on the table and think to yourself ... I really didn't pee my pants right ? The overwhelming flushing didn't wreck the boundaries of my bladder right ... ?

Fortunately ... all was well ... in the peeing of the pants department ... double PHEW!!!

And then, because adventures just get better and better ... I went to the MEAT store! Probably at this point, someone would be excited to go into the meat store. I was excited to GO to the meat store, not actually BUY anything at the meat store. Hence why the very hyped-up meat selling cow jockies kept calling out : "hey .. I can help you over here !" .... I turned them down ... four times.  I have a feeling that they have never been so happy to see someone leave their premises .... the one legged hopper with the walker left with nothing ... interesting ... I don't like meat. Except for bacon. Bacon is my friend ... and bacon (for me) is a completely edible interesting flavoured vegetable. For real.... so don't you faithful readers be "hey lady - over here" ... trying to point at me that it is ANYTHING different!