Freaking Friday the 13th.

Seriously.

I am really starting to DESPISE this whole blogger thing. I BELIEVE I have gotten down to the bottom as to WHY I haven't been able to write much .. it's more than likely because I couldn't. Oh trust me ... I tried ... but was met with the app simply shutting down, and not a save point in sight. 

So I am tired of the constant bull shit that has to go on. Simple stuff like this, doesn't work. Somehow I have found a way into this blog, but it doesnt look like my blog. It's a wall of white .. not a pretty backsplash of pink and orange swirls. I would say they match my curls, but as I get OLDER my curls are becoming less and less. Hot damn.

So this is about as frustrating as the whole walking fiasco is turning into. And it's a fiasco. EVERY corner I turn is a hurry up and wait procedure ... EVERY corner I say people. I am waiting on a system that is in no hurry to accommodate you, a very nice rehab doctor that has a case load of 500 people so the second you are out of his face, you are long since forgotten, then you have a leg guy that isn't going to make a single change until you see the rehab dr, which is like winning the lottery if you can get in to see him within a 3 month period of time. I have now been unofficially "let go" from rehab ... which is slightly problematic since learning to walk all by yourself with a whole new socket is pretty darn annoying. The whole process is turning out to be pretty fucking annoying actually. 

The truth.

One would not think that learning to walk would NOT be this fucking annoying... but it is. I have a leg that is pretty impossible to fit, I have a mind that is driven to keep propelling forward, and yet I am going stopped up by the process. I barely get a LEG UP on the situation, then the LEG UP changes a slight bit, and I am back to square one trying to figure things out .. in the meantime the waiting process of these slight adjustments are hugely annoying. 

EVERYBODY is .. "oh it just takes time" .. well that's very SPECIAL to be told "it take's time" ..... how about we trade this very instant and the conversation of "taking time" would freakingly stop this second. I will gladly exchange the useless visits and trips to see people that are busily waiting on the next person to make their move in this chess game. 

This is going on FIVE years. FIVE freaking (FUCKING) years. I have lost TWO jobs, never got to say good bye to people, have lost a ton of work acquaintances, lost a HUGE amount of income, and I am now answerable to a disability company where every move I make is scrutinized. Currently they are assessing my case YET AGAIN. The long and short answer is ... I can't walk people. I can't walk like I used to walk, I can't stand up and go like I used to go, I can't move like I used to move. EVERYTHING is an effort. An effort three-four times harder than once upon a time. But assess away ... hopefully they might come up with a better way to learn how to walk ... because ON PAPER this should not be taking this long ...  

All that aside ... I am eager to move on, I am eager to walk like a typical person again, I am eager to adventure forward with my new parts and pieces, I am eager to be a new state of me, I am eager to continue building my gardens, and rummaging around taking my pictures, and eagerly dreaming of adventures that await me .. I am eager, eager, eager ... however all this eagerness translates into frustration when the steps leading to forward motion is a methodology in chess play. 

And that is how freaking Friday the 13th this is all looking !!! 

Amputee Advice take 495

Well here we are ... Almost 7 months after this leg is chopped off ... And I now have a little VAC attached to me. This is good. We are on the upswing. We have caught this rather minute little wound making attempts to heal up, and disappear into the land of mysteries.

I would enjoy some rationalization as to why this has taken exactly this long ... Not the VAC, but the process. I want some reasoning behind the purpose as to why this has played out for as long as it has. There has to be a reason why things have just taken this long. AND I am not talking about the human biological process ... In the world according to the universe, there is a larger reason as to howcome this process has continued for so long.

Except I am not partial to that answer.

Is it self-discovery, or one of saving myself, a lesson learned in patience, or the universe just messing with me that I wasn't to be free in this world sporting a way more functional leg, and independent of all things that regular joes can do?

Again, these questions remained unanswered.

I just wrote to a friend ... And thought I would make the timely purchase of the Dr Suess Classic .. "Oh the places you will go" ... Because NOW, today, with this LAST LEG of the race so close .. I feel I have finally reached the finish line, and can embark on my untimely pilgrimage ..... I am ready.... Except I just need a couple centimetres of tissue growth to fill the gap .. Then I am ready.

In other things ...

So the antibiotics almost finished me off. Holy smokes ... They were a bad scene ... Although NOW that I am finished them after a quick four day course, as opposed to the original 14 days I was going to have to suffer from ... They are done, and I hope they remain done.

I did some invigorating chair yoga today ... I think over time I will get better at it ... Currently I just start to laugh. I am not sure why ... I just start laughing ... I think it's the NON quietness of my brain that starts talking to me, not allowing myself to find that claiming spirit or whatever it is. But, I think it's there .. Again ... More time to digest finding the strength to be still and quiet ... When all I think about is being up and at it, and movable and functional. At this moment in time, I come from a place of stillness and quiet ... And when it's "time" to be still and quiet I am having a hard time. Oh well, my very kind of insightful physio said this isn't a race. Which was a really good thing to say ... For me.

Well, the driving situation is about to become real ... Just a number hoops to jump before I begin that process, and then I will be good to go ... Functional driving assessments, people deciding whether you are capable, a doctors visit, money to change hands, then back to other people as to whether or not I can drive, then a phone call to the gadget guy .. And then I don't know .. Driving lessons, and then a road test ... It just goes on and on ... I wish now I would never had said anything ... And carried on like before ... Nobody would be the wiser ...

BUT for now ... Me and this little V.A.C. Will bubble about the home for the next number of days.

Hi lights from the hopper

I should rename this blog ... "Life of a Hopper", Hopper Chronicals, The no bunny tailed rabbit, hopping along the path of life, when only hopping happens, long time hopper - just me and the walker, one-legged hopping machine, the hoop jumper, My Leg on the Shelf of LIfe, I can see it, but can't touch it.

There; an array of details and events of how I feel about this hopping garbage.

THIS is the size of what is stopping from wearing my leg that sits on the shelf in the rehab department.

3cm x .5 x 1cm deep.

THAT'S IT.

Hurry the fuck up already ..... This is BORING to the power of ten.... And then some.

I very nicely had my lovely friend drive me today .... She is just so very real and delightful ... We can whine about the same things with our little family units ... And then although we come up with no solutions to help them (IT COULD NEVER BE US !!!!!! Right !!!?), we feel better nattering about the goings on in the mundaneness of life events.

So the wound care nurse came ... And while I am pretty close to being fed up ... I'm not completely fed up, although she said the words "fed up" ... However  I'm not ... I'm getting sorta at the end of the rope, because of course spring is approaching .. And I need a leg to do the gardening details ... If March comes, and then goes, and I do not have a leg by then .... Well ... This chickalit could be a little on the wild side of typical.

In the meantime .... The BC Transportation Safety Board has FINALLY processed my application. It only took 4 months ... But somehow they have managed. Now I can move forward in the "getting back to driving" department .... Now that's a piece of excitement to be excited for.

So now ... I will await a VAC ... And hopefully this whole MRSA thing will just melt away ... I think I need someone on the ball with this one ....

Such hi lights for this hopper ... Let's hope NEXT month when bunnyrabbits become real ... That I will hop out the other side .... And off I will WALK along that bunny trail.aasics, ampute

The life that's in us.

Wow, heavy title. But not really.

So I made my 21 year old son a Betty Crocker birthday cake, in a funnel pan. It broke apart. So did I. How the FUCK does one screw this up?

You have to see it from my perspective ... Doing this all one legged is pretty god damned irritating ...but I go about my business, hoping to make a double chocolate cake for the lovely wild boy ... And the fucking thing breaks.

Is it so hard to screw up a Betty Crocker cake ... Really ..?

In the next instant ... I get a text from my sister ... She has been waiting on test results for a stupid polyp that has decided to grow inside of her ... NEGATIVE, same with the CT Scan.

Two NEGATIVES equal a positive right .. ?

Fuck I hate math ! I hate the rules of math, the concepts, the magics and the unknowns .... It swirls about us unfurling it's infinite ways to which spill unto us .... Determining where and what direction we are headed ....

My direction ... Was tears ... Of madness, of sadness, of relief, or exasperation. I hate the fucking math that comes with Christmas time ... And the number of days it takes for offices & departments to start working again ... We are forced to wait for appointments while the world happily rejoices ... Meanwhile ... Betty Crocker cakes crumble, and then so do we.

Again .. No fucking humour here today ... 

Burgundy brown.

That's my hair colour.

I washed it today .... the water ran pink.

I pay actually money for this, this is not a mistake ... I repeat .. NOT A MISTAKE. How the hell have I gone from "once upon a time" looking like Snow White ... to mother of the year in the hair styling department ... ?

This hair could win awards in the prettiest flower colour of fall ... I am the perfect PANSY colour !!

I spent the day hunting ... BIG time hunting ... not big game mind you ... HOWEVER .. it was a big game to try and find what EXACTLY I was looking for .. which is a knitting pattern! I want to knit a particular type of sweater jacket ... and it's taken me hours to LOOK for something that MIGHT be the best thing to put together ... !! Of course we have to keep in mind that I am a fairly amateur knitter ... so big projects have to be on the simpler playing field ... there's trade off's you know !!

And WEIGHING in heavily in "trying to not overthink shit" ... is this whole bullshit that I have happening inside my left chest ... WTF ... waiting for "the next test" to confirm what SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON ...

And now ... settling back to my next baddest boyfriend in town ... BOB ROSS !!!!