Wednesday, January 13, 2016

The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess .... 

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