Moments of what ifs:

There generally comes a day when life slows down to the grinding halt of nothingness. Absolute nothingness. Any reasonable human can seriously ask the question .. You can't be for real?

And yet, I am.

Seven months of hopping around, it begins to take it's toll.

Not in a way that brings about sadness, or in a way of regret, but one of "let's go already."

I have come up upon challenges that are not challenges, but are in fact speed bumps presenting as hurdles. My mindset is still focused on that I can definitely overcome these speed bumps, I just have to stop envisioning them as hurdles.

My hip is tired. Very tired. I begin any task of the day, and I am sorta just worn out faster because this leg is tired of working for two. I have to remind it to be kind to me, and hang on, it won't be long now before it gets to share the work. I have to remember to be gentle to it as well. Which in actuality means that all the tasks that I do, I must simplify, and ease this legs burden.
I need my G.P. To sign a form, which she is impossible to get into.
I have to ensure any appointment I try to make with the G.P. That I actually have a way of getting to the location to see her.
I am anxious to have this V.A.C. Removed to begin my world of rehab. A place where my lovely runner sits quietly on a shelf, waiting for it to begin it's adventures with it's twin! I am certain how I can hear it bellowing .. "Hurry the FRUITBALLS UP you moron!!"
Now I have to go for a Bone Scan, which in my opinion is a waste of time. But that's what I have to do.
I have to start doing my exercises again, which will happen tomorrow, once I get this V.A.C. Off.
I am dealing with the guilt of not exercising this leg, which for me everyday not exercising it, has huge implications when I return to walking in the next number of weeks.
Now I will have to deal with learning to drive with my left foot. I am going to genuinely assume that this will just become habit, and my love to drive will be free to me once again.

This isn't really a list of horrible items, but these are the things that are on my mind, constantly.

Getting my life back into functioning order. This is what I am waiting for. It's only been seven months as a one legged version, but it's been going on FOUR YEARS in the process.

Amputee Advice take 495

Well here we are ... Almost 7 months after this leg is chopped off ... And I now have a little VAC attached to me. This is good. We are on the upswing. We have caught this rather minute little wound making attempts to heal up, and disappear into the land of mysteries.

I would enjoy some rationalization as to why this has taken exactly this long ... Not the VAC, but the process. I want some reasoning behind the purpose as to why this has played out for as long as it has. There has to be a reason why things have just taken this long. AND I am not talking about the human biological process ... In the world according to the universe, there is a larger reason as to howcome this process has continued for so long.

Except I am not partial to that answer.

Is it self-discovery, or one of saving myself, a lesson learned in patience, or the universe just messing with me that I wasn't to be free in this world sporting a way more functional leg, and independent of all things that regular joes can do?

Again, these questions remained unanswered.

I just wrote to a friend ... And thought I would make the timely purchase of the Dr Suess Classic .. "Oh the places you will go" ... Because NOW, today, with this LAST LEG of the race so close .. I feel I have finally reached the finish line, and can embark on my untimely pilgrimage ..... I am ready.... Except I just need a couple centimetres of tissue growth to fill the gap .. Then I am ready.

In other things ...

So the antibiotics almost finished me off. Holy smokes ... They were a bad scene ... Although NOW that I am finished them after a quick four day course, as opposed to the original 14 days I was going to have to suffer from ... They are done, and I hope they remain done.

I did some invigorating chair yoga today ... I think over time I will get better at it ... Currently I just start to laugh. I am not sure why ... I just start laughing ... I think it's the NON quietness of my brain that starts talking to me, not allowing myself to find that claiming spirit or whatever it is. But, I think it's there .. Again ... More time to digest finding the strength to be still and quiet ... When all I think about is being up and at it, and movable and functional. At this moment in time, I come from a place of stillness and quiet ... And when it's "time" to be still and quiet I am having a hard time. Oh well, my very kind of insightful physio said this isn't a race. Which was a really good thing to say ... For me.

Well, the driving situation is about to become real ... Just a number hoops to jump before I begin that process, and then I will be good to go ... Functional driving assessments, people deciding whether you are capable, a doctors visit, money to change hands, then back to other people as to whether or not I can drive, then a phone call to the gadget guy .. And then I don't know .. Driving lessons, and then a road test ... It just goes on and on ... I wish now I would never had said anything ... And carried on like before ... Nobody would be the wiser ...

BUT for now ... Me and this little V.A.C. Will bubble about the home for the next number of days.

Amputee Advice

Come and get it.

So I made someone cry today.

That's the biOTCH in me.

Or is it?

INCORRECT folks ... It was the full fledged KINDNESS that SOMEDAYS flows from my fingertips, that made this person cry.

They were commenting about being a fresh amputee, and I offered up some fresh amputee advice. Oddly enough, at this time ... I qualify!

What was the advice...?

It really wasn't all that amazing ... But amazing enough to help the person that needed it. When I look to the silver linings as to HOW COME I AM STILL motoring along on a walker ... Perhaps it was to HELP this one human alone ... Had I not been still hopping along, then this one person that benefited from my experience would not have happened.

So for that .. I thank the universe!

Back to the advice .. And NOT something that even the best of the "therapists" can offer up .. Since the experience is not "first hand" ...

So basically the person fell, and he did not remember how. AND since FALLING is a huge fear among MOST that have two legs ... It gets a bit scarier when one has ONE leg, and is a number of feet above the ground!

So I said:

Visualize: organize your brain so that every step you take with your walker is planned out. See yourself moving from A to B, and the steps to take to get yourself to the bathroom and back, or in and out of the car, or to move through a parking lot. If a curb is impeding the forward motion, then do not risk hopping over a barrier, but afford yourself the extra twenty steps. I would rather 20 extra steps of safety versus one bad decision that risks a fall.

Invest in yourself: Purhcase a pair of runners that will keep you stable. Wear them ALL THE TIME. No exceptions. Ever. Hopping is quite the work out. Keep the foot knees & hips happy at all times, your mileage will be A LOT further.

Put yourself on the clock: What I mean by this .. Is go to to the bathroom at regular intervals ...thus avoiding the need to "speed hop" to the bathroom, which increases the risk for falls. (BECAUSE remember ... Your brain is thinking BATHROOM, and not necessarily all the steps it will take to get there).

Be kind to yourself. Probably self explanatory, but then again not. It's not that I am saying .. "Ask everyone to do everything for me" ... It 's a case of letting go of the things that you have no control over. It's OK to let daily tasks go, more than likely "the next day" will be a better day to get small tasks accomplished.... Like the dishes! FOR EXAMPLE FOLKS: I had six towels leftover from the laundry that at first got dumped on the bed from the laundry, so I folded them, and returned them to the clothes basket. They were not in the correct location .. And every day it bothered me that I had not returned them to the bathroom .. So after three days of sitting there, (and a chance to visualize my steps to returning them to the bathroom all in one go) ..  I politely heaped them on to top of my walker .... And off I went. Task accomplished. That's what I mean about being kind ... Don't be hard on yourself with the tasks that were mindless trivial non events now come with a bit more thinking ... And that's ok ..

Reframe your thinking: Where you are today, will not be in the same place as tomorrow, next week, or six months from now. This is tough. It truly is, however when you are faced with adversity, you have to be as tough as what is being thrown at you. Take the time to acknowledge the frustration, and move on. HERE's and EXAMPLE FOLKS: So I CAN'T drive .. And basically it is boiling down to the governing body of the provincial government that is keeping me from this task. My first phone call was excruciating abysmal, I had been waiting months to hear from, only to find out that I wouldn't be hearing from them for months to come, many months. So I decided I had two choices, I could wallow in sadness, or madness (depending on the number of cups of coffee inhaled that morning!), or I could decide that this wasn't going to beat me down. My plan was, every week, on a Friday I was calling the transportation agency to talk to them, and ask them where I was in the piles of applications, and for the last three weeks I have gotten the same answer. Nowhere. HOWEVER ... That answer is easier to hear, when it comes at a slow steady beat .. BECAUSE eventually that will not be their answer ... And that is the moment that I am prepared for!

Recognize your fatigue: walking on a walker is like a work out that you weren't prepared for ... All the time! Chances are your energy will be better in the morning, so planning a big afternoon event if you have been busily doing things all day might not be the best of choices.

Realize this: despite the big adjustment ... Just know that whatever parts and pieces eventually come your way, will be WAY WAY better than the originals .. And again visualize how great it will be to move again!

Life is the experience of the moment. I challenge everyone to counter every negative experience with a positive experience. They are there, and only the universe truly understands why "perceived" roadblocks are put into our paths. Take the extra steps to carve out your happiness.

A word to the wise

Entitlement.

Some people are just that way inclined.

They should get exactly as they wish for ... Because it's their right.

Wrong.

I have bought driving lessons TWICE. The second time around came with the conversation that went along the lines of I didn't mind paying for some of the lessons, but not all of them, because I had already purchased them.... And the student refused to renew their "Learners" to ensure their continued driving experience. That didn't happen. Time passes. I get my leg chopped off. Now I am useless to take the person driving. Hence the 2nd time around driving lessons, of which now the person has a job of their own to pay for some of these lessons. It was this persons REFUSAL to renew their license AND their REFUSAL to drive a standard which halted everything.

I asked a number of weeks ago if I could get the Learner to drive me down the street to the dentist. I was refused. Completely flat out refused, forget it, the Learner wouldn't do it. I thought to myself, that is interesting ... The Learner seems to be able to drive all over the lower mainland, but can't drive me down the street, in a straight line for 5 minutes. At that time I hadn't taken any money for the lessons from the Learner, because after all cut the Learner slack ... For none other reasons, than to "let it go" ... Which I still thought ... I wasn't sure how much of the lessons I was going to ask the Learner to pay for ... But I should ask for something ...

Today ... I was excitedly asked to bring the Learner home a fantasmical sandwich since the Learner was able to do some new maneuvers in her driving lesson. As she embarked on her fantabulous sandwich I inquired as to the lessons. I was promptly told very quickly that I wasn't allowed to ask any questions, and how dare I inquire.

Right ... That sense of entitlement ... That I as a parent should provide for the child Learner ended. $550.00 was transferred like that out of her account. Now I don't give a shit ... If she doesn't pass, it's her money that's gone, not mine.

Just a word the wise, or on any other occasion the soft hearted. 

Come here, sit down .... And ... WAIT.

OK... Really ... I would love to know the mind fuckers that have re-entered my life suddenly.

I say it happened suddenly ... Because it appears that is the case, when I wasn't actually paying attention.

MONTHS ago I tried getting my drivers license re-organized so I could drive with my left foot. The BC transportation safety board are working on applications ... From September 1st. I sent my application in .. In October ... Although I sent PART of the little bastard application in .. In September ... Meanwhile ... This BITCH has been immobilized by the 3.2 million drivers in British Columbia that someone has to deal with. Today ... I am starting to LOSE my patience at the stupidity. I knew this would happen. OMFG ... Just hurry up for craps sake .....

Then ... I called the Rehab's specialists office ... The very lovely secretary told me the wait to see the first plastic surgeon was 3 - 4 months ... I suggested it may not be best to wait for him .. Since he wasn't too much in a hurry to fix me when this WAS cancer.... Certainly NOW .. That it isn't ... He will be in that much LESS of a hurry! Moving onto the 2nd plastic surgeon now .... For the LOVE of GAWD ... Hurry this up.

Oh wait ... That's not going to happen on all accounts ... I am a NOBODY in this world of numbers, and face less names ....

Yes, too many cups of coffee ........!!!!!

Five years ago ..

I was staring at a Bob Cat through the den window, and blazing about the backyard catching pictures of it .... terrified that it would come and get me, if I went back there .... gawd .. if only I had known that something for more severe would silently sneak up and try and kill me in the meantime. But it didn't ... and here I am.

The girlie girl has just set foot out the door and off to work she goes ... it is just so very lovely .. my graduated girl ... making her way to the Wally World of entertainment ... I wonder if the Sir let her drive on the way there ... he tends to NOT let her drive when the are out on short excursions .. gawd .. how those minutes count .. when the driving time is precious!

So the fact that I am MINUS a right leg leaves me whirling a bit in the NON driving department .. I am useless to the girl for a driving companion .. which is a shame ... beuse we have lots of time together while we could be out tooling around ... but apparently we are not supposed to be .. so says the universe. I have talked with the agencies that "report on" this sort of stuff .. one agency says I am allowed to drive with her .. and another agency says I can't ... and because the "yes" side has no names attached to it, or I have a "YES YOU CAN" in writing .. I am opting for the NOT driving with her .. because in the end ... the rather very large corporations will have me by the throat if something goes awry.

In things way less boring ... am still waiting on the leg. We have now reached October 10th ... (well duh) ... and no sign of a leg any day soon ... however ... probably at the end of October I am holding out hope that this is where I am heading ... to be "leg-filled" ... har har har ... So I have this "wound edge" from the chop off point that has refused to heal ... little bastard ... BUT NOW .. with some additional TLC and not just letting it sit .. it is getting smaller ... so happy for that. I think there are still some sutures left in the leg as well .. or something .. because on the end of the left side of the chop off point it is irritated enough ... and enough is MORE than enough to stop the "getting the leg" process .. so I have given the leg one more week of "sitting" around and made an appointment with the surgeon .. who hasn't been my surgeon at all .. but rather a covering surgeon who has only seen this wound once, for 22.3 seconds, and the other time just wrote a prescription for the homecare ladies to take out sutures .. kind of comedic .. all the same . a bit of a make work project ... but it may be worth it in the end if there is something niggling away at keeping it unhappy.

The boy has made it to Oshawa today ... him and the band are making their move across the country. This MAY be his breaking point as to whether he is IN or OUT of the music making industry. I have my fingers crossed that the "agents" and entertainment type loving people actually see their worth .. and "do" something to make their work finally worthwhile for them ... yes ... fingers crossed .. big time. OR ... he finds his way back home, and returns to life in the education ways .. and moves on.

Today ... we are in the final stages of changing the girls room for what she has known her whole life as beautiful and sweet, into a young ladies bedroom. It's all very exciting for her!

So here I sit .. with many tasks needed to be tended to, including this "anonymous show" that I am determined to accomplish ... but of coures that involves painting something ... and it is all in my head that this is swirling about ... I "simply" need to forge ahead with the painting process which is very tricky !!

So this time next year .. when it gets to be "six years ago" .. I will have a leg .. and probably wont be sitting here .. bu rather will be engaged in finding great camera adventures ... and slurping back coffee in a thermos along some roadway gathering "autumn"shots ... or EVEN better .. will be sitting organizing photos from a 25 year wedding celebration ... after a cruise !! That's what this chick is waiting for ...

Oh, and in other things .. paid off the mortgage yesterday. Things will be finalized by next week. That's a bit of a hooray.