If I could only...

Make it to the fast lane I would.

Well, two weeks worth of waiting .. And this is what I have accomplished ...

After speaking with Road Safety BC I was informed that it would take an andditional FOUR months to process my application post driving assessment. Four FUCKING months, yes you read that right. After the first 4 1/2 FUCKING months it took for the bastards to "assess" the driver license status in the first place.

I received a letter on February 19th (that had been dated Feb 5), that stated that they had funded me for a driving assessment, as long as it was completed 60 days within the original date of the letter.  Cool, thank you VERY MUCH, that's only $1200.00 dollars saved! ... But of course ....  Kabang, the little tiny problem of the little tiny wound ... That needed a VAC. The VAC was on and off again in 5 days, which helped the hurry up and heal already by months upon months. After it had been removed, I called the driving assessment location, and arranged for the first available appointment ... March 16th ... Phew ... Under the 60 day mark, however 6 weeks past the original letter dated Feb 5.

March 16th arrives with much fanfare and memories ... A massive windstorm, traffic delays, & power outages ... Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME  .... The OT indicated to me that she would send the assessment out the following week, on Monday orTuesday .. (My brain silently exploded as to WHY she couldn't just send it out the following day ... ), with people comes PAPERwork ...

I called the driving assessment place this past Friday. I was informed that the paperwork was not processed to Road Safety BC only this past week ... (A FULL week after what the OT had stated). Not a big deal right ...... You are so FUCKING wrong ... !!!! GET this ... It takes 7-10 working days for the assessments to even be processed as "received" ... Which means that they attach it to your file. That means exactly that ... They have only "received" it, not that they are processing it. So a week, delay is a really really really BIG deal ... As the applications are processed in the order to which they are received ... So delaying the "sending of the file" has a huge impact ... Especially being on the receiving end of all this.

Hence my gasping for breath on the phone the other day when I was now told it would be approximately four months before I could even see the light of the day with seeing my drivers license  amended.

Are you fucking fucking fucking fucking for real ??? I SCREAMED in my brain ... However; shockingly amazingly miraculously I remain composed and polite and widely kind after been on the receiving end of that blow. The person on the other end of the phone told me that I was the nicest person she had spoke to on the phone the whole day ... It was 3:25 in the afternoon ....

So on that end, it renewed my hatred for the human population behaving insanely cruel to people just trying to do their jobs, I have even a more impassioned hatred for the government and their underfunding of departments where people like me are caught up in a process of paperwork. HUGE HATRED !!!! But I guess you would not have gotten that from this "lightly" written assignment of formuated words ...

How does one recover from this .... YOU FUCKING REFRAME YOUR THINKING.

Currently I am missing my right leg .... IF I were to have waited until I got my "right" leg back to drive with ... Well, then I am still many months away from "walking" on this new leg, let alone driving with it ... And THAT'S how you reframe a MAJOR time shift .... I will drive once my new leg is restored, it is now just THAT simple.

That's the MANTRA ..... If I could only .... Make it to the fast lane ... I would simply say it faster !

In other things .....the game changer might have occurred ... That master musician son of mine might have probably made the best move of his life ... Booked a flight to Toronto ... Playing at Canada Music Week, quit his job .. 

Breast Cancer worries BEHIND me.

That's a billboard worth yelling about!

Not only is it behind me, it is also behind two other very very important people in my life.

Thank you new age fancy technology for detecting things that otherwise with the old "film" way of doing things, would not have been picked up .. However with the NEW way ... The digital imaging picked things up .. And stupidly in my case ... The CT Scan showed something that they weren't even looking for.

So NOW .. After waiting two months for this day to come and go, this day has managed to do just that .. Come and go .... Unremarkable, and definitely forgettable ... So glad for this.

The people will not be as forgettable .. The lady ... Who had been sitting for an appointment .. For two hours ... The Asian couple, who were more worried about the radiation from the mammogram machine, rather than breast cancer itself ... Then finally .. The woman with seemingly beautiful dementia/Alzheimer's that didn't quite seem to know anything .. In particular .. And was highly confused by my wearing of the two gowns, and where to put her clothes ... What a gem .. If I had to have sat a MOMENT longer with this woman .. I was totally going to ask .. "Do you live on your own?" ... Because LORD knows how she remotely functions !

WE collected our land title registery on our house today. That was even more exciting. Or maybe not ... But it had the potential to be exciting ... Official land owners .... !

Alright ... More leg talk to come .. Will save that for another day .. Gotta keep something to write about here !!!! 

Well, next phase ..... Of this ....

So I worked on and off all day at my application .... My application for CPP Disability benefits.

I think I am seriously having a hard time with this.

I believe I am cured .... I am no longer disabled ... However, because of my cure ... I am without a leg. I am without a leg because of my original condition. My original condition lead me down the path of somehow requiring immunosuppressants, which I believe for the most part ended up with me having cancer. Kind of a lose lose situation.

Except now I am now on the new path of being free ... Except for the fairly large inconvenience of being legless .... And with an autoimmune disorder that burdens me ... Like currently ... It has taken close to 6 months to heal this leg .. 1/2 a freaking year .... I thought I would have been walking by now ... Or something close to that ...

At any rate ... My application is done ... My LTD company sent me the info as it is a requirement ... So .. I have done it ... As much as I have not wished to be on LTD, or receiving benefits of any sort ... Other than a good honest day's paycheque ... But that is for another day it seems.

Next phase ... Please hurry !!!!!!!!!!!

Raw carrots & soup

Interesting day.

I have quietly decided you can just never hand over peace to someone. Not possible. IMpossible. Hugely IMpossible.

My frenzied home bound energy can be a bit on the overwhelming side ... Especially if you are not up to snuff of being on the receiving of the whacky craziness.

I am tired of being locked here, away from people, unable to be free to do as I please, when ever I please, and MORE NOTABLY .. Obligated to be places, where otherwise I have to be away from the home, and out of touch.

In the thrill of never being good enough, the sister was most not pleased with my sudden silence on the texting machine. She fails to realize that I had nothing fucking to say. Not a word. I didn't talk to her, I didn't talk to my any other people, unless they talked to me ... I just haven't.

I gulped fresh air, sat on the porch, even in the pouring rain of winter, ... Just to keep my mind in a stream of moving forward. The sister told me she was pissed that I was silent. I am silent for many reasons.... I have texted before ... Many times, and things have been left, with no message returned. I haven't been bothered to challenge her on her response one time ... "Ah, I didn't feel like it" ... Thanks, good to know that I wasn't worthy.

At the end of the day her mammogram came back pretty much negative. She then said to me that I shouldn't be going to pieces because of her shit .... Uhmmmm .... Thanks, but please don't tell me how to feel, I am allowed to be concerned .... And quite frankly, being locked up in a house ... Unable to partake in the real world .. Sometimes you are left thinking about things a little too often ....

Jesus Fucking Christ .... I wasn't going to pieces ... However ... Knowing that I have another important person in my life walking the same path as her, and me left just waiting in limbo still ... Ya ... I am allowed to feel the way I feel. Fuck.

Oddly enough .. I have been silent ... However ... Probably way more silent because I actually have nothing of any value to contribute .... I am kinda wildly bored being locked in a home that I wish to be away from .... It's almost as though I am waiting for the lottery ticket to cash in .... I dare to dream of the possibilities of what is going to happen around the corner .... Once this leg get's returned to it's starting position!

No soup for you .. Or me....  Just a whole bowl of slop.

The life that's in us.

Wow, heavy title. But not really.

So I made my 21 year old son a Betty Crocker birthday cake, in a funnel pan. It broke apart. So did I. How the FUCK does one screw this up?

You have to see it from my perspective ... Doing this all one legged is pretty god damned irritating ...but I go about my business, hoping to make a double chocolate cake for the lovely wild boy ... And the fucking thing breaks.

Is it so hard to screw up a Betty Crocker cake ... Really ..?

In the next instant ... I get a text from my sister ... She has been waiting on test results for a stupid polyp that has decided to grow inside of her ... NEGATIVE, same with the CT Scan.

Two NEGATIVES equal a positive right .. ?

Fuck I hate math ! I hate the rules of math, the concepts, the magics and the unknowns .... It swirls about us unfurling it's infinite ways to which spill unto us .... Determining where and what direction we are headed ....

My direction ... Was tears ... Of madness, of sadness, of relief, or exasperation. I hate the fucking math that comes with Christmas time ... And the number of days it takes for offices & departments to start working again ... We are forced to wait for appointments while the world happily rejoices ... Meanwhile ... Betty Crocker cakes crumble, and then so do we.

Again .. No fucking humour here today ... 

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

Burgundy brown.

That's my hair colour.

I washed it today .... the water ran pink.

I pay actually money for this, this is not a mistake ... I repeat .. NOT A MISTAKE. How the hell have I gone from "once upon a time" looking like Snow White ... to mother of the year in the hair styling department ... ?

This hair could win awards in the prettiest flower colour of fall ... I am the perfect PANSY colour !!

I spent the day hunting ... BIG time hunting ... not big game mind you ... HOWEVER .. it was a big game to try and find what EXACTLY I was looking for .. which is a knitting pattern! I want to knit a particular type of sweater jacket ... and it's taken me hours to LOOK for something that MIGHT be the best thing to put together ... !! Of course we have to keep in mind that I am a fairly amateur knitter ... so big projects have to be on the simpler playing field ... there's trade off's you know !!

And WEIGHING in heavily in "trying to not overthink shit" ... is this whole bullshit that I have happening inside my left chest ... WTF ... waiting for "the next test" to confirm what SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON ...

And now ... settling back to my next baddest boyfriend in town ... BOB ROSS !!!!

Are you FREAKING kidding me ...

I hate cancer. As anyone should. I really fucking hate it.

On my agenda this week: going to see the Lego Man ... for the start of the rebuild of the leg that is missing due to cancer ...

Then ...

Ring Ring ....

Hi this is Deanna ...

This is Dr. GP's office ... Dr GP would like to see you in follow up.....

Oh OK ...

Make the appointment .. The End.

Now I am left waiting to FIND OUT  what the fuck they found on the CT.

Mini breakdown ... fortunately a friend was here ...

Sue helped me through the mini meltdown.

THEN ... HI .. It's Dr Onccologist calling ... The CT Abdomen was clear ... except that they saw something on the left breast.

Ya ... but what about my NEW LEG that I am going to try on NEXT WEEK....  that is what my plans were ... those were my FREAKING plans ... not visiting the GP to deal with a new found suspicios something.

No Humour here today ..... other than ...

I got my hair coloured ... so now it's burgundy in flavour .... !!