June filled days

Wow. What a year.

This time last year, all things bad were coming to a head. Well, the volcano had already started erupting a number of months prior, however; at this point last year the writing was already on the wall.

Cancer was busily trying to take me down ... And it became evident that the cure measures had turned drastic. The long days from June, all the way to the very end of July were excruciating. A year later, and I am happy to let that horrific memory fade into oblivion.

Fast forward to this week. I was "promised" I could bring my prosthetic home LAST week, like the week before last. That didn't happen. I was probably slightly disappointed ... Given what I had gone through I said to myself ... Good gawd ... Did I shed a tear when I had to have my leg amputated ... Uhm no ... I certainly wasn't going to shed a tear when I couldn't have a leg when it was "slightly" promised to me ... And even at that ... I wasn't really allowed to do more than simply wear it while "sitting" ... So I wasn't that far ahead.

So this week coming up .. June 15th actually I think I am going to be "allowed" to have this leg "at home" with me ... So this is very exciting news .. Way more exciting than the abysmal news that I had  lived with this time last year.

Just to be clear ... Walking is hard .... It's very hard !! I am not complaining, nor whining, just an observation.

This leg continues to be a bit of a make work project ... I have a kneecap that is way out of kilter, I have to put on my leg that is not the normal way of putting it on, the muscles in the leg are developed in a different way than my left leg, numbness overcomes the leg when it stands in a dependent position, and the fact that it turns ice cold at the base of the leg. So, it has it's challenges, which makes the natural walking stride not so natural feeling. I think this is definitely all something that will definitely happen in time & familiarity, with more "wear" time.

In things full of comedy ... I got an X-ray yesterday .. Of this limb .. (To figure out what this leg is up to ... So the physio, Doc & LegoMan can sort things out ... They have determined they haven't ever encountered something like "this" leg, not sure how this is, but that's how it is) ... Anyways ... Because I actually "had" the leg on, the X-ray techs moved the wheelchair, and then the walker, and then said to me .. "Oh, just go over here" ... I had to say to them 3-4-5 separate times ... "So I know I have two legs  .. But I can't actually walk .. " Which is kinda funny to me .. Not sure how !

So happy to be here, on this June filled day. 

This guy ... Forever smiling .... He's just a character to the tenth degree !!

And this months love affair ... Brought to you by Rice Krispies, bananas, almond milk & chocolate syrup !!!

A reason to write:

I just got back from rehab a while ago.

How free, lovely and boring of me ... I drive over to rehab, pull on a leg, and walk back and forth on a long wooden board with handrails ...

HOW IS THAT for cool and boring!!?!

Last week I had a little breakdown into tears .. Taking those first steps after many LONG months of enduring the process of hopping, and before that, the exhaustingly horrific months of constant mind numbing pain and fear that this horrible cancer was searching out another hiding spot in my body.

TODAY ... I said to the physio lady ... This feels like I am walking in my running shoe, except it's my leg ...

HOW BEAUTIFUL is THAT????

I have been avoiding this little space .. So much has happened .. And I am free to be... And that I am. I can't believe that I haven't taken the time to capture the shear excitement of my first steps ... But then again ... It isn't so awesome, everybody walks - more or less ... I knew eventually this is the space I would find myself in ... Which I am HUGELY grateful for ...

Yesterday I grimaced .. And the  physio lady asked if I was in pain ... "No, not at all", I said ... " I am just trying to concentrate" .... The reason being ... I am visiting the rehab department .. Where the majority of the folks are recovering from Strokes, and at my time, I am the only one minus a limb. All I could think about was ... "Deanna, when is it going to be your chance to start back again ... " All I could think about were the possibilities that were within reach of my own personal successes, as long as I kept walking... I was grimacing as I continued to take my steps because I was telling myself to stay focused in the "here and now" ... Stop looking to the future ... It will happen, as it happens... But I am so happy and thankful and anxious to further my journey ... And my journey with belonging to the stroke community ... And I just want to be back, making a difference, if that is what I am doing when I am there ...

I did find a reason to come here today ... I always wonder about the difference that I might to people in the world, and I feel that it is never enough ... At least not right now ... So I found myself hunting about on Facebook as a lunchtime distraction ... And I found this guy:

https://colontosemicolon.com/

https://www.gofundme.com/canadianbucketlist


TALK about making a difference, talk about changing people's lives, talk about a purpose, talk about the evils and ravages that cancer has on individuals and their families ... THIS guys single idea will make such a difference to people in their journey's .... I very much feel it is a worthwhile cause ... I felt a little inspired to come here today and whisper a couple of humour words ... Thanks to this stranger.

Seriously ..... This is the ridiculous ....?

So the girl didn't pass her driving test. Shit. Now I can't ask her to drive me on Monday! OK ... Moving on to someone else then ...

Alright ... In things that are continued to be messed up:

There's a hole in the leg because somehow a staph infection & MRSA has invaded my space.

How did this happen ... ? All I know is that there wasn't an ounce of anything in it, as reported by a swab way back on January 5th, 2016. And now there is.

All the internet searching the Google-de-ness of the lands can not seem to find a good enough answer for me. I want to know if this MRSA is a skin & soft tissue, or a deeper wound ... Because it isn't just sitting on the top of my skin ... The wound has traveled down to be about a good centimetre plus in depth ... Will oral bug drugs be enough ... Cause I have an end of a tibia & fibula sitting there .... We're is that MRSA & staph finding themselves ... ?

So I think I have had enough of the stupidity ... Thanks a lot, and a bunch, and then some ... Just give me my not so fancy leg, let me stand, then walk, and move on ... K thx & bye.

There's a hole in my socket dear Liza dear Liza

Two weeks ago I had a hole in what should be my incision line smaller than a pencil tip. Today it's 2cm long by about 1.5 cm deep. I now have 6 days worth of waiting to see the orthopedic surgeon. She will look at it, look at me, and smile and say .. You need a plastic surgeon, not an orthopedic person, but thanks for coming in today.

I have been asking since September, then October, then November, and onto December at my monthly follow ups ... Should I be seeing a surgeon/somebody about this .. ?  In January,  the rehab doc decided that he wanted to see me, and then was surprised that it wasn't healed. I am surprised at all of these people being surprised by me ... They are ALL very young ... Very very young, very new to their practicing .. And then along comes healthy wild woman, with a very silent autoimmune disorder, which NONE of them have taken into consideration ... And they are SURPRISED by me ...

This game is getting boring. Completely boring.

The bigger part of the game is the fact that I need a plastic surgeon. One lady doc flat out refused. The other guy, who had seen me in the past, first said 3-4 months, then reneged and then refused to see me as well. Nice. Asshole. I asked him at some point way way long into the end of 2014 when all this cancer business was coming about, was he prepared to deal with a "scleroderma" type of  person, he nodded his head yes. Well, I have news for him, he should have shook his head NO, he was not prepared to deal with the oddball situation such as me. Things just go sideways. That's how it works, and I am not sure why.

In the meantime, I have a largER hole in my leg, it needs some "surgical intervention" otherwise this is going to months upon months of healing time. I'm done healing. I need to start walking.

In the meantime:

THESE things have happened:

The boy has nicely agreed to play a show with his band.
The girl is going for her drivers test this week. She also is starting a night school course. (Read BUSIER!!!!)
I have read two books: The Owl that Called my Name AND The Untimely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry. BOTH were excellent books! AND I have decided to return to my book club at the library ... And I have taken up a new pattern in wash clothe making. PLUS I have another two books on the go, and have another 2 knitting projects milling about.
Not a lot .. But enough that keeps me wild and crazy while locked up in this house.

Amputee Advice

Come and get it.

So I made someone cry today.

That's the biOTCH in me.

Or is it?

INCORRECT folks ... It was the full fledged KINDNESS that SOMEDAYS flows from my fingertips, that made this person cry.

They were commenting about being a fresh amputee, and I offered up some fresh amputee advice. Oddly enough, at this time ... I qualify!

What was the advice...?

It really wasn't all that amazing ... But amazing enough to help the person that needed it. When I look to the silver linings as to HOW COME I AM STILL motoring along on a walker ... Perhaps it was to HELP this one human alone ... Had I not been still hopping along, then this one person that benefited from my experience would not have happened.

So for that .. I thank the universe!

Back to the advice .. And NOT something that even the best of the "therapists" can offer up .. Since the experience is not "first hand" ...

So basically the person fell, and he did not remember how. AND since FALLING is a huge fear among MOST that have two legs ... It gets a bit scarier when one has ONE leg, and is a number of feet above the ground!

So I said:

Visualize: organize your brain so that every step you take with your walker is planned out. See yourself moving from A to B, and the steps to take to get yourself to the bathroom and back, or in and out of the car, or to move through a parking lot. If a curb is impeding the forward motion, then do not risk hopping over a barrier, but afford yourself the extra twenty steps. I would rather 20 extra steps of safety versus one bad decision that risks a fall.

Invest in yourself: Purhcase a pair of runners that will keep you stable. Wear them ALL THE TIME. No exceptions. Ever. Hopping is quite the work out. Keep the foot knees & hips happy at all times, your mileage will be A LOT further.

Put yourself on the clock: What I mean by this .. Is go to to the bathroom at regular intervals ...thus avoiding the need to "speed hop" to the bathroom, which increases the risk for falls. (BECAUSE remember ... Your brain is thinking BATHROOM, and not necessarily all the steps it will take to get there).

Be kind to yourself. Probably self explanatory, but then again not. It's not that I am saying .. "Ask everyone to do everything for me" ... It 's a case of letting go of the things that you have no control over. It's OK to let daily tasks go, more than likely "the next day" will be a better day to get small tasks accomplished.... Like the dishes! FOR EXAMPLE FOLKS: I had six towels leftover from the laundry that at first got dumped on the bed from the laundry, so I folded them, and returned them to the clothes basket. They were not in the correct location .. And every day it bothered me that I had not returned them to the bathroom .. So after three days of sitting there, (and a chance to visualize my steps to returning them to the bathroom all in one go) ..  I politely heaped them on to top of my walker .... And off I went. Task accomplished. That's what I mean about being kind ... Don't be hard on yourself with the tasks that were mindless trivial non events now come with a bit more thinking ... And that's ok ..

Reframe your thinking: Where you are today, will not be in the same place as tomorrow, next week, or six months from now. This is tough. It truly is, however when you are faced with adversity, you have to be as tough as what is being thrown at you. Take the time to acknowledge the frustration, and move on. HERE's and EXAMPLE FOLKS: So I CAN'T drive .. And basically it is boiling down to the governing body of the provincial government that is keeping me from this task. My first phone call was excruciating abysmal, I had been waiting months to hear from, only to find out that I wouldn't be hearing from them for months to come, many months. So I decided I had two choices, I could wallow in sadness, or madness (depending on the number of cups of coffee inhaled that morning!), or I could decide that this wasn't going to beat me down. My plan was, every week, on a Friday I was calling the transportation agency to talk to them, and ask them where I was in the piles of applications, and for the last three weeks I have gotten the same answer. Nowhere. HOWEVER ... That answer is easier to hear, when it comes at a slow steady beat .. BECAUSE eventually that will not be their answer ... And that is the moment that I am prepared for!

Recognize your fatigue: walking on a walker is like a work out that you weren't prepared for ... All the time! Chances are your energy will be better in the morning, so planning a big afternoon event if you have been busily doing things all day might not be the best of choices.

Realize this: despite the big adjustment ... Just know that whatever parts and pieces eventually come your way, will be WAY WAY better than the originals .. And again visualize how great it will be to move again!

Life is the experience of the moment. I challenge everyone to counter every negative experience with a positive experience. They are there, and only the universe truly understands why "perceived" roadblocks are put into our paths. Take the extra steps to carve out your happiness.

Today finally arrived.

This day took forever to get here.

I am fascinated that TODAY ... Arrived on the same day that a loved one had passed. I can't help but think of the reason for that ... !! I think that spirit father of mine had something to do with it.

My mom was fascinated with the spirit church thingy-majig. One day I will take her.

SO ... Today ... TODAY I got to stand on my lovely fake leg. It was so lovely to stand on that leg. Unbelievable beautiful actually.

My best best moment was The Lego Man ... Just sitting back, and giving me that moment of standing on that leg ... Letting me feel intact and whole again,... Letting me feel BETTER than I felt in so many months that have turned into years ... He just backed up, and let me have that moment of feeling like the person I once was, before this "thing" took over.

For comfort and safety sake .. I wore my green comfy vest ... What an unbelievable high.

Prosthetics ... What a pretty cool profession ... I certainly couldn't do it ... But GLAD somebody can!

Come here, sit down .... And ... WAIT.

OK... Really ... I would love to know the mind fuckers that have re-entered my life suddenly.

I say it happened suddenly ... Because it appears that is the case, when I wasn't actually paying attention.

MONTHS ago I tried getting my drivers license re-organized so I could drive with my left foot. The BC transportation safety board are working on applications ... From September 1st. I sent my application in .. In October ... Although I sent PART of the little bastard application in .. In September ... Meanwhile ... This BITCH has been immobilized by the 3.2 million drivers in British Columbia that someone has to deal with. Today ... I am starting to LOSE my patience at the stupidity. I knew this would happen. OMFG ... Just hurry up for craps sake .....

Then ... I called the Rehab's specialists office ... The very lovely secretary told me the wait to see the first plastic surgeon was 3 - 4 months ... I suggested it may not be best to wait for him .. Since he wasn't too much in a hurry to fix me when this WAS cancer.... Certainly NOW .. That it isn't ... He will be in that much LESS of a hurry! Moving onto the 2nd plastic surgeon now .... For the LOVE of GAWD ... Hurry this up.

Oh wait ... That's not going to happen on all accounts ... I am a NOBODY in this world of numbers, and face less names ....

Yes, too many cups of coffee ........!!!!!

Today WAS the day!!!

So today was the day it all starts ....

I start with the construction of a LEG!!!

I'm gonna get a leg.

A leg up.
A leg apart.
A leg down.
A leg worth of race.
My leg of this race ... Has arrived!

It is finally here ... Today was the day ...

BUT ....  Here's the funny part ...

I am only getting a leg, cause this has taken so long .... Not really because it's a real leg that I will be boomeranging around with any day soon.

It's a leg to appease my brain actually. A little snippet of reality of what is supposed to be really happening .... However ... It's not a real leg that can be justifiable HERE IT IS.

It doesn't make sense does it .... But that is the reality ... I am getting a leg, so I can just get going ... Get going on something .. And "on something" I will take.

So unbelievably excited .... FINALLY .... This woman is moving on! Just in time .. I got new runners too!

Well, next phase ..... Of this ....

So I worked on and off all day at my application .... My application for CPP Disability benefits.

I think I am seriously having a hard time with this.

I believe I am cured .... I am no longer disabled ... However, because of my cure ... I am without a leg. I am without a leg because of my original condition. My original condition lead me down the path of somehow requiring immunosuppressants, which I believe for the most part ended up with me having cancer. Kind of a lose lose situation.

Except now I am now on the new path of being free ... Except for the fairly large inconvenience of being legless .... And with an autoimmune disorder that burdens me ... Like currently ... It has taken close to 6 months to heal this leg .. 1/2 a freaking year .... I thought I would have been walking by now ... Or something close to that ...

At any rate ... My application is done ... My LTD company sent me the info as it is a requirement ... So .. I have done it ... As much as I have not wished to be on LTD, or receiving benefits of any sort ... Other than a good honest day's paycheque ... But that is for another day it seems.

Next phase ... Please hurry !!!!!!!!!!!

The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess .... 

Almost the end ... Near the end ... Happy for the end!

It couldn't be any truer !

This time last year I was quietly waiting for the end of the year, and hesitantly happy for the start of the new year ... Although apprehensive ... But all the same ... Ready to embark upon a year of recovery from a foot surgery.

Wow ... I got more than I bargained for ... An extended journey into hell, three surgeries, a bone infection, and a fourth surgery which resulted in my leg being amputee, my wound still not healing after five months, no chance for a leg until at least February, and a license not amended so I could gain back some independence and DRIVE myself places! And the uncertainties of a CT Scan that will not be resolved until the end of January. This year has been met with truly some challenges.

Even still, I am in a way better place than I was at this time last year ... Although I am still missing my body part, it will come to me, and I will be stronger!!

I am ever so happy to be ending off this year in some solitude that life will resume it's regular pace, and I will be pleased to help individuals as the need arises. Sounds odd, but those "go fund me" pages that request money for things ... To help people out ... They are a good thing ... So I have decided. Where currently I can not do errands for people, or offer up any type of hands on help, I can offer up the gift of money, in their times of need.

I so can't wait for the end of January to make it's appearance ... !!!! A leg, a tooth, and a left gas peddle adaptor are all on the horizon ... Now all I need is for that sunrise to make it's debut!! I will be so grateful for the end of this year's darkness ... It's almost the end!!!!

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

Are you FREAKING kidding me ...

I hate cancer. As anyone should. I really fucking hate it.

On my agenda this week: going to see the Lego Man ... for the start of the rebuild of the leg that is missing due to cancer ...

Then ...

Ring Ring ....

Hi this is Deanna ...

This is Dr. GP's office ... Dr GP would like to see you in follow up.....

Oh OK ...

Make the appointment .. The End.

Now I am left waiting to FIND OUT  what the fuck they found on the CT.

Mini breakdown ... fortunately a friend was here ...

Sue helped me through the mini meltdown.

THEN ... HI .. It's Dr Onccologist calling ... The CT Abdomen was clear ... except that they saw something on the left breast.

Ya ... but what about my NEW LEG that I am going to try on NEXT WEEK....  that is what my plans were ... those were my FREAKING plans ... not visiting the GP to deal with a new found suspicios something.

No Humour here today ..... other than ...

I got my hair coloured ... so now it's burgundy in flavour .... !!