Knitting in the round.

This has more than one meaning ... When you are busily knitting back together a leg .. It's round, and the cells are doing their knitting ... Along with me ... I am currently knitting a "tam" .. It's a lovely coloured tam ... And I just keep knitting and knitting with 2.5 mm needles ... That is quite the small scale of knitting I will admit!

So I am not sure what the situation with this non broke, but broken in a way knitting mishap I have going on in the leg. It is genuinely doing it's thing ... And taking it's freaking time . I guess it's just really pissed that it is being forced back together .. Without it's consent. Little does the very tiny wound know that I consented to this a great while ago, and it's time for it to get itself on board the healing train, and heal ... Like NOW.

I have some "prisma" set inside the edge, which has been there for a week for or two .. And it's still hissy fitting it's way to the bitter end ... I will rephrase that thought ... "BETTER end" ... I was sincerely hoping that in less than a week this would be gone, and I am of course hopeful that it will be. For "holy-don't-feel-like-swearing-this-second-sake" ....

In other things for real:

Still TWO days away from the driving thing. Holy SHIT .. Could time stand still any quicker?  Even after I complete that assessment .. I will be waiting for information to exchange hands ... And THAT somedays takes forever !!!!!

I have decided to let my book go that I was reading .. Sorry Alexander McCall Smtih ... Not excited about your Bertie book this time around, I think it would be OK, I am just not that deeply committed to trying to like a book any longer ... There are just so many to read anyways .. I will stick with the REALLY good ones! ... However ... I do love the "#1 Ladies Detective Agency books" ... Now those are the cutest things going!

Oh, and beetled off to Tim Horton's today ... I caught up with the man that makes changes ... He was looking at a door .. I pointed out the task of maneuvering through the parking lot being a  "disabled person" ... And  asked him if he could change the configuration of the cement barricades for disabled people ... He said they never considered the issues  ... Until I pointed it out to him ...

In the meantime ... This wild woman will remain at her post ... Knitting in the round ... Or however that is going down today in these parts!

Amputee Advice

Come and get it.

So I made someone cry today.

That's the biOTCH in me.

Or is it?

INCORRECT folks ... It was the full fledged KINDNESS that SOMEDAYS flows from my fingertips, that made this person cry.

They were commenting about being a fresh amputee, and I offered up some fresh amputee advice. Oddly enough, at this time ... I qualify!

What was the advice...?

It really wasn't all that amazing ... But amazing enough to help the person that needed it. When I look to the silver linings as to HOW COME I AM STILL motoring along on a walker ... Perhaps it was to HELP this one human alone ... Had I not been still hopping along, then this one person that benefited from my experience would not have happened.

So for that .. I thank the universe!

Back to the advice .. And NOT something that even the best of the "therapists" can offer up .. Since the experience is not "first hand" ...

So basically the person fell, and he did not remember how. AND since FALLING is a huge fear among MOST that have two legs ... It gets a bit scarier when one has ONE leg, and is a number of feet above the ground!

So I said:

Visualize: organize your brain so that every step you take with your walker is planned out. See yourself moving from A to B, and the steps to take to get yourself to the bathroom and back, or in and out of the car, or to move through a parking lot. If a curb is impeding the forward motion, then do not risk hopping over a barrier, but afford yourself the extra twenty steps. I would rather 20 extra steps of safety versus one bad decision that risks a fall.

Invest in yourself: Purhcase a pair of runners that will keep you stable. Wear them ALL THE TIME. No exceptions. Ever. Hopping is quite the work out. Keep the foot knees & hips happy at all times, your mileage will be A LOT further.

Put yourself on the clock: What I mean by this .. Is go to to the bathroom at regular intervals ...thus avoiding the need to "speed hop" to the bathroom, which increases the risk for falls. (BECAUSE remember ... Your brain is thinking BATHROOM, and not necessarily all the steps it will take to get there).

Be kind to yourself. Probably self explanatory, but then again not. It's not that I am saying .. "Ask everyone to do everything for me" ... It 's a case of letting go of the things that you have no control over. It's OK to let daily tasks go, more than likely "the next day" will be a better day to get small tasks accomplished.... Like the dishes! FOR EXAMPLE FOLKS: I had six towels leftover from the laundry that at first got dumped on the bed from the laundry, so I folded them, and returned them to the clothes basket. They were not in the correct location .. And every day it bothered me that I had not returned them to the bathroom .. So after three days of sitting there, (and a chance to visualize my steps to returning them to the bathroom all in one go) ..  I politely heaped them on to top of my walker .... And off I went. Task accomplished. That's what I mean about being kind ... Don't be hard on yourself with the tasks that were mindless trivial non events now come with a bit more thinking ... And that's ok ..

Reframe your thinking: Where you are today, will not be in the same place as tomorrow, next week, or six months from now. This is tough. It truly is, however when you are faced with adversity, you have to be as tough as what is being thrown at you. Take the time to acknowledge the frustration, and move on. HERE's and EXAMPLE FOLKS: So I CAN'T drive .. And basically it is boiling down to the governing body of the provincial government that is keeping me from this task. My first phone call was excruciating abysmal, I had been waiting months to hear from, only to find out that I wouldn't be hearing from them for months to come, many months. So I decided I had two choices, I could wallow in sadness, or madness (depending on the number of cups of coffee inhaled that morning!), or I could decide that this wasn't going to beat me down. My plan was, every week, on a Friday I was calling the transportation agency to talk to them, and ask them where I was in the piles of applications, and for the last three weeks I have gotten the same answer. Nowhere. HOWEVER ... That answer is easier to hear, when it comes at a slow steady beat .. BECAUSE eventually that will not be their answer ... And that is the moment that I am prepared for!

Recognize your fatigue: walking on a walker is like a work out that you weren't prepared for ... All the time! Chances are your energy will be better in the morning, so planning a big afternoon event if you have been busily doing things all day might not be the best of choices.

Realize this: despite the big adjustment ... Just know that whatever parts and pieces eventually come your way, will be WAY WAY better than the originals .. And again visualize how great it will be to move again!

Life is the experience of the moment. I challenge everyone to counter every negative experience with a positive experience. They are there, and only the universe truly understands why "perceived" roadblocks are put into our paths. Take the extra steps to carve out your happiness.

Well, next phase ..... Of this ....

So I worked on and off all day at my application .... My application for CPP Disability benefits.

I think I am seriously having a hard time with this.

I believe I am cured .... I am no longer disabled ... However, because of my cure ... I am without a leg. I am without a leg because of my original condition. My original condition lead me down the path of somehow requiring immunosuppressants, which I believe for the most part ended up with me having cancer. Kind of a lose lose situation.

Except now I am now on the new path of being free ... Except for the fairly large inconvenience of being legless .... And with an autoimmune disorder that burdens me ... Like currently ... It has taken close to 6 months to heal this leg .. 1/2 a freaking year .... I thought I would have been walking by now ... Or something close to that ...

At any rate ... My application is done ... My LTD company sent me the info as it is a requirement ... So .. I have done it ... As much as I have not wished to be on LTD, or receiving benefits of any sort ... Other than a good honest day's paycheque ... But that is for another day it seems.

Next phase ... Please hurry !!!!!!!!!!!

The life that's in us.

Wow, heavy title. But not really.

So I made my 21 year old son a Betty Crocker birthday cake, in a funnel pan. It broke apart. So did I. How the FUCK does one screw this up?

You have to see it from my perspective ... Doing this all one legged is pretty god damned irritating ...but I go about my business, hoping to make a double chocolate cake for the lovely wild boy ... And the fucking thing breaks.

Is it so hard to screw up a Betty Crocker cake ... Really ..?

In the next instant ... I get a text from my sister ... She has been waiting on test results for a stupid polyp that has decided to grow inside of her ... NEGATIVE, same with the CT Scan.

Two NEGATIVES equal a positive right .. ?

Fuck I hate math ! I hate the rules of math, the concepts, the magics and the unknowns .... It swirls about us unfurling it's infinite ways to which spill unto us .... Determining where and what direction we are headed ....

My direction ... Was tears ... Of madness, of sadness, of relief, or exasperation. I hate the fucking math that comes with Christmas time ... And the number of days it takes for offices & departments to start working again ... We are forced to wait for appointments while the world happily rejoices ... Meanwhile ... Betty Crocker cakes crumble, and then so do we.

Again .. No fucking humour here today ... 

Almost the end ... Near the end ... Happy for the end!

It couldn't be any truer !

This time last year I was quietly waiting for the end of the year, and hesitantly happy for the start of the new year ... Although apprehensive ... But all the same ... Ready to embark upon a year of recovery from a foot surgery.

Wow ... I got more than I bargained for ... An extended journey into hell, three surgeries, a bone infection, and a fourth surgery which resulted in my leg being amputee, my wound still not healing after five months, no chance for a leg until at least February, and a license not amended so I could gain back some independence and DRIVE myself places! And the uncertainties of a CT Scan that will not be resolved until the end of January. This year has been met with truly some challenges.

Even still, I am in a way better place than I was at this time last year ... Although I am still missing my body part, it will come to me, and I will be stronger!!

I am ever so happy to be ending off this year in some solitude that life will resume it's regular pace, and I will be pleased to help individuals as the need arises. Sounds odd, but those "go fund me" pages that request money for things ... To help people out ... They are a good thing ... So I have decided. Where currently I can not do errands for people, or offer up any type of hands on help, I can offer up the gift of money, in their times of need.

I so can't wait for the end of January to make it's appearance ... !!!! A leg, a tooth, and a left gas peddle adaptor are all on the horizon ... Now all I need is for that sunrise to make it's debut!! I will be so grateful for the end of this year's darkness ... It's almost the end!!!!

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

And ... moving on.

So I think it was about this time last year that the final confirmation came in about this foot. It was around this time last year that I was looking forward to January ... I wanted to skip the fricken December month, and move straight on into January. The Truth. How odd, no?

ANNND ... here we are almost a year of waiting ... but now for different things !! GAWD.

Life around here can be at times a bit montonous ... although .. I have to admit .. I have had good opportunity to "chill" ... for an extended period of time. In fact, unbeknownst to you, (ever so avid reader), I probably have stolen some of your "chill time" ... by pure osmosis.

Feeling ripped off now a little, I'm guessing ... ?

I know right !?

So I was doing a little contemplating this morning ... what the hell happens when I have obligations forced upon me ... what the hell am I going to do then .. ? Now that I have stolen most of mankinds "chill time" ... because .. in reality .. I have turned into a professional at it.

I will admittedly say ... that pretty much from morning till night, I am busy. Busy somehow. Busy being not really busy, but busy. Engaged. Doing something. Professional hour filler. Hand me your boredom, and I will fill your plate with "something".

This "chill time" could accurately be described as a prison sentence, ... and the days out, are escorted day passes. How lovely of a thought process. As I do not required electronic monitoring ... cutting off the leg managed that little problem. In the meantime .. I am exactly that ... an excited furry creatured beast ready to hit the road for any kind of car ride that will come for me!

Well in things way more exciting:

So I have had the opportunity to go scrapbooking for the day tomorrow. I have KNOWN about it for months upon months, and yes, upon months. Guess who is not ready? I mean really ... not ready ... that would be ME ... shit! I have contemplated my DAY LONG project ... and have come up with NOT MUCH !!! I have ideas upon ideas roaming in my brain ... and I have YET to get things organized ... so that will happen, post blog post. Trust me ... I am a professional ... !! Laughable ... 

And in other things that are weighing on my mind that I wish to divulge at this time ... so the leg is about an "eencie-weencie" amount worth of healing to go on .. and this bitch leg is DONE! done done done done done ... and done. It will be ready for the next phase of leg-less-ness ... and that is LEGNESSNESS .... hopefully I can be scanned ... and let the designing begin. MUCH to most readers grand disappointments ... I am going with a regular boring run of the mill leg ... one that pops on, and gets me places. This crazy woman does not require a STATEMENT of intactness ... meaning that I do not need designs & tattoos and flourescent colours screaming at me that I have a story .. christ ... everyone has a story ... EVERYONE ... mine, like EVERYONE's doesn't need to be plastered across the world stage for all those to wonder ... so pretty excited about THIS PHASE. I can't say that I was feeling this level of excitement LAST year at this time ... and now moving onnnnnnn .... 

Five years ago ..

I was staring at a Bob Cat through the den window, and blazing about the backyard catching pictures of it .... terrified that it would come and get me, if I went back there .... gawd .. if only I had known that something for more severe would silently sneak up and try and kill me in the meantime. But it didn't ... and here I am.

The girlie girl has just set foot out the door and off to work she goes ... it is just so very lovely .. my graduated girl ... making her way to the Wally World of entertainment ... I wonder if the Sir let her drive on the way there ... he tends to NOT let her drive when the are out on short excursions .. gawd .. how those minutes count .. when the driving time is precious!

So the fact that I am MINUS a right leg leaves me whirling a bit in the NON driving department .. I am useless to the girl for a driving companion .. which is a shame ... beuse we have lots of time together while we could be out tooling around ... but apparently we are not supposed to be .. so says the universe. I have talked with the agencies that "report on" this sort of stuff .. one agency says I am allowed to drive with her .. and another agency says I can't ... and because the "yes" side has no names attached to it, or I have a "YES YOU CAN" in writing .. I am opting for the NOT driving with her .. because in the end ... the rather very large corporations will have me by the throat if something goes awry.

In things way less boring ... am still waiting on the leg. We have now reached October 10th ... (well duh) ... and no sign of a leg any day soon ... however ... probably at the end of October I am holding out hope that this is where I am heading ... to be "leg-filled" ... har har har ... So I have this "wound edge" from the chop off point that has refused to heal ... little bastard ... BUT NOW .. with some additional TLC and not just letting it sit .. it is getting smaller ... so happy for that. I think there are still some sutures left in the leg as well .. or something .. because on the end of the left side of the chop off point it is irritated enough ... and enough is MORE than enough to stop the "getting the leg" process .. so I have given the leg one more week of "sitting" around and made an appointment with the surgeon .. who hasn't been my surgeon at all .. but rather a covering surgeon who has only seen this wound once, for 22.3 seconds, and the other time just wrote a prescription for the homecare ladies to take out sutures .. kind of comedic .. all the same . a bit of a make work project ... but it may be worth it in the end if there is something niggling away at keeping it unhappy.

The boy has made it to Oshawa today ... him and the band are making their move across the country. This MAY be his breaking point as to whether he is IN or OUT of the music making industry. I have my fingers crossed that the "agents" and entertainment type loving people actually see their worth .. and "do" something to make their work finally worthwhile for them ... yes ... fingers crossed .. big time. OR ... he finds his way back home, and returns to life in the education ways .. and moves on.

Today ... we are in the final stages of changing the girls room for what she has known her whole life as beautiful and sweet, into a young ladies bedroom. It's all very exciting for her!

So here I sit .. with many tasks needed to be tended to, including this "anonymous show" that I am determined to accomplish ... but of coures that involves painting something ... and it is all in my head that this is swirling about ... I "simply" need to forge ahead with the painting process which is very tricky !!

So this time next year .. when it gets to be "six years ago" .. I will have a leg .. and probably wont be sitting here .. bu rather will be engaged in finding great camera adventures ... and slurping back coffee in a thermos along some roadway gathering "autumn"shots ... or EVEN better .. will be sitting organizing photos from a 25 year wedding celebration ... after a cruise !! That's what this chick is waiting for ...

Oh, and in other things .. paid off the mortgage yesterday. Things will be finalized by next week. That's a bit of a hooray.