The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess .... 

Almost the end ... Near the end ... Happy for the end!

It couldn't be any truer !

This time last year I was quietly waiting for the end of the year, and hesitantly happy for the start of the new year ... Although apprehensive ... But all the same ... Ready to embark upon a year of recovery from a foot surgery.

Wow ... I got more than I bargained for ... An extended journey into hell, three surgeries, a bone infection, and a fourth surgery which resulted in my leg being amputee, my wound still not healing after five months, no chance for a leg until at least February, and a license not amended so I could gain back some independence and DRIVE myself places! And the uncertainties of a CT Scan that will not be resolved until the end of January. This year has been met with truly some challenges.

Even still, I am in a way better place than I was at this time last year ... Although I am still missing my body part, it will come to me, and I will be stronger!!

I am ever so happy to be ending off this year in some solitude that life will resume it's regular pace, and I will be pleased to help individuals as the need arises. Sounds odd, but those "go fund me" pages that request money for things ... To help people out ... They are a good thing ... So I have decided. Where currently I can not do errands for people, or offer up any type of hands on help, I can offer up the gift of money, in their times of need.

I so can't wait for the end of January to make it's appearance ... !!!! A leg, a tooth, and a left gas peddle adaptor are all on the horizon ... Now all I need is for that sunrise to make it's debut!! I will be so grateful for the end of this year's darkness ... It's almost the end!!!!

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

Seriously Santa

So ... while I was cleaning out one of my cupboards a number of weeks ago .. I found a purple shimmery box. It was intriguing to me .. I knew there was something of completely NO value, except I did find some christmas ornaments. These guys needed some colourful TLC. What a project.

As GUILT has an evil way of commanding what happens in your life ... I decided that I couldn't possibly LIVE another christmas without having these ornaments all coloured and bedazzled in christmas craziness.

So now .. I sit ... and paint .. and fuss,... and paint ... and fuss ... and waste a whole bunch of time contemplating the colour red ... because as luck would have it ... I have managed to find myself a whole bunch of Santa's ... really, seriously santa!

IN other things of whimsy and value ... !!! .... A rather large expense will be purchased  NOW,  in the next coming months ... so I have managed to heal up this little leg!!!! Another week or so .. and off I go to catch a new leg ... or the process of getting a new leg ... hooray for the two legged-ness! So excited to be a believer in things do eventually work out!

Holy slow-pokes

So today .... miraculousy enough managed to submit some "artwork" to an art show, that fortunately is titled "anonymous" ... more than likely for ME, is a good thing! I actually FEARED having to put my name on the little 8x8 pieces of  "artwork" for the HUGE fear of embarressment !!! SO horrific! .. and well, timely .... VERY SCARY !!! Oh yes, very scared ... however .... I am intrigued as to what the gallery will look like, once all the gems are hung up for the show ... in the meantime ... the show is juried .. and now I will live in the HUGE fear that the people will call me with "thanks for coming out today with the artwork, but you need to take yours home" .....

And so .. moving on ....

Novembers project will be quickly approaching ... !! I found some christmas ornaments that need some sort of embellishments of christmas craziness ... so before the box of mega stash of paints is set away for safekeeping .. I will paint up a storm or red, greens & blues for the festival of christmas time fun colours!

In other things .... well ... that would be the above items ! Apart from the fact that I am still down ONE leg, and there is no real end site into "it's" arrival ... although NOW I am thinking that it is going to be closer to the END of the year ... so we could be talking Birthday Gifts for oneself !! Who knows .. the leg recovering gods only know that !!