Spirit me this ....

I went to spirit church the other night. I was not expecting anything, apparently I was glowing, with spirits. I think it had more to do with my bright pink polar fleece jacket with my very light grey/silver vest to go with it. I wasn't going to argue the fact, since I was spirit church and all.

The spirit church leader that night did point out an interesting piece, to which I have been greatly thinking about not just today, but in the weeks that have now since passed. One comment was the glowing feature, well cool, then she said I was working hard, but going in two different directions, and yet either direction wasn't necessarily the wrong direction .. and then she said to keep writing. OK, so here I am writing ... however; as much as I have thought about writing, I have been thinking lots about drawing. So I also grabbed a little TINY sketch pad, and have been drawing some random tidbits of objects & images that come to mind.

I was inspired a bit mind you, as I saw on good ole' Facebook that there was an autistic man that could draw landscapes from memory, like YUGE landscapes .... I immediately was drawn to his images as they were not by any means perfect, but what they did do was get your eye to see, and your brain just fills in the missing details.

So I picked up my little notebook and have started just filling it up, and to boot, I am using a crappy pencil. I think I will find a sharpener eventually, or even matter so, go and find the drawing pencils that I know I have around here ...

In other things far less exciting ... I am sorta getting a bit tired of this whole leg not working thing I have to deal with. Everyday I wake up and it's a balancing act as to what I wish I can do, what I can potentially do, and what I can actually do. That said, I can manage a great amount, until I can't do anything, any longer. It's sorta on the "obnoxious" side.... my lovely Lego-Man says I just love that word. And when referring to my leg any longer, the word just sorta fits... unlike the leg. He is on vacation right now. I very much think that vacations are obnoxious, especially when I am NOT the person on the vacation, and specifically when the person that you want to see is the vacationer. Next week I will go see him, I am certain that I will be perfectly pissed at how this leg is treating me by then, as if I am not already at odds with it at the moment.

All the above nattering aside, I am grateful and thankful for the continuous attempts that this guy has tried to master for me. This hasn't been easy, this hasn't been straightforward, and this road has long yet been traveled. AS always, I recognize this is only a single leg I am missing, and despite being sometimes temporarily enraged, I send good intentions to the universe to have this swing positively in my direction.

If I am talking with the spirits .. then hopefully my gang of followers will see to it that this comes to fruition.

A reason to write:

I just got back from rehab a while ago.

How free, lovely and boring of me ... I drive over to rehab, pull on a leg, and walk back and forth on a long wooden board with handrails ...

HOW IS THAT for cool and boring!!?!

Last week I had a little breakdown into tears .. Taking those first steps after many LONG months of enduring the process of hopping, and before that, the exhaustingly horrific months of constant mind numbing pain and fear that this horrible cancer was searching out another hiding spot in my body.

TODAY ... I said to the physio lady ... This feels like I am walking in my running shoe, except it's my leg ...

HOW BEAUTIFUL is THAT????

I have been avoiding this little space .. So much has happened .. And I am free to be... And that I am. I can't believe that I haven't taken the time to capture the shear excitement of my first steps ... But then again ... It isn't so awesome, everybody walks - more or less ... I knew eventually this is the space I would find myself in ... Which I am HUGELY grateful for ...

Yesterday I grimaced .. And the  physio lady asked if I was in pain ... "No, not at all", I said ... " I am just trying to concentrate" .... The reason being ... I am visiting the rehab department .. Where the majority of the folks are recovering from Strokes, and at my time, I am the only one minus a limb. All I could think about was ... "Deanna, when is it going to be your chance to start back again ... " All I could think about were the possibilities that were within reach of my own personal successes, as long as I kept walking... I was grimacing as I continued to take my steps because I was telling myself to stay focused in the "here and now" ... Stop looking to the future ... It will happen, as it happens... But I am so happy and thankful and anxious to further my journey ... And my journey with belonging to the stroke community ... And I just want to be back, making a difference, if that is what I am doing when I am there ...

I did find a reason to come here today ... I always wonder about the difference that I might to people in the world, and I feel that it is never enough ... At least not right now ... So I found myself hunting about on Facebook as a lunchtime distraction ... And I found this guy:

https://colontosemicolon.com/

https://www.gofundme.com/canadianbucketlist


TALK about making a difference, talk about changing people's lives, talk about a purpose, talk about the evils and ravages that cancer has on individuals and their families ... THIS guys single idea will make such a difference to people in their journey's .... I very much feel it is a worthwhile cause ... I felt a little inspired to come here today and whisper a couple of humour words ... Thanks to this stranger.

Hop to it I say ...

Hello and welcome to the most grandiose blog on the internets. Apart from the beautiful colours, pretty fonts &swirls, plus an outdated photo ... Things here are pretty much the "how to" of creating excitement in a life that very much qualifies for the hands down title of  "The Life of a Duldrum Addict".

For real.

Did I mention I planted some primulas? I did. That was spectacular!!! I might have mentioned that too, apologies. Did I also mention that in an effort to plant them, there was teamwork involved. That is where the husbandman came in. He drove me to the garden center, carried the dirt, and the plants to the car and from the car,  and found the pots, and got a tarp, and put everything on the back of the girlie girls car, and poured the dirt, and stood there ... While I took the primilas out of their containers, and put dirt around them. Whala! I planted something! But here's the big kicker folks ... I smelled dirt, and got to feel plant life beneath my fingertips, I got to make the decision as to "yes, let's just put these in this pot" ... And then watched as he set them on the front steps. I might have mentioned all this ... So sad you are doing a read over ... However .. I am still thrilled at the gift of time and experience of doing such a simple endeavour with the kind hearted husbandman. And THAT is the feeling that I am stuck on. Plus, the primulas are pretty.

In other things ...

The task of the impossible "driving" is still on the scale of over the top ridiculous .. And numerous times a day I am hearing myself talking away in my head ... This is the process, this is the process, this is the process, this is the process ... All the while I just keep seeing the sands of time attached to little pieces of helium, and rather than falling gently on top of one another .. They just sort of sit in the hourglass and gently hover about, never really reaching their destination.  If one has ever wanted to time travel so freaking badly in their life, it would be right about now.

NEXT week ... NEXT Monday ... I will go back and see the orthopedic surgeon ... A make work project, yet again. IT will be THIS moment in time, when my time traveling will have finally paid off, as it will be THIS moment when the road to freedom will happen! AT least one can assume this .. Which I willy nilly am going to stick to.

In other things that impact this life:

Growth.

There's an ebb and flow to parenthood I would surmise. You watch, and nurture, and mentor, and navigate, and guide. Then there's the fleeting moments of all this natural back and forth when one needs to leap .. And whether it's taking that leap of faith, or leaping onto unsteady ground, the leap has to take place, amidst the ebb and flow, in order to move on. Leaping is hard, probably not as hard as hopping, but leaping is knowing that there might be that soft landing, or a sense of balance once you have worked up the courage to leap. Both of these children are at the ebb and flow stage that leaping might be the best things for them, in their personal growth. I can see it, however; as all these parental duties are configuring around them ... How do I encourage that LEAP, without encouraging that leap ... Is it TIME.  Time and growth, growth and time. I will have to see which one plays out. They are both so ready.

Let's just hop to it ...

Take that nasty bug, take that.

Back to the rehab place I went yesterday .... I waved at my leg ... HI LEG!!! You will wait for me won't you .... !?!?!?

The only thing I got to do was see a Dr. He gave me a prescription for some bug drugs. (I am completely done eating little bug drugs ... I thought I was going to get out of this wound with it unscathed, and just the process that was taking too long). A referral to infectious disease, just to merely nod their head and say "yessiree, that's all you need" and the agreement that a plastic surgeon needs to sew this dastardly spot back up. Please and thank you.

Simple. Not.

If the orthopedic Doctor  could fitness her skills for but a moment ...Maybe she would be so inclined to sew this back up again ... Again; simple. Not.

What a whirlwind of micro steps forward, and a huge leap sideways ... THERE will be a moment in time, that will be happening sooner than later, that will help me regain the momentum of forward motion only ... I know it exists ... Like aliens & ghosts!

In other things that keep me amused hour by hour .... I have a big ball of yarn to knit wash clothes now ... So it's The Office & knitting that goes on around these parts .. And mad dashes of reading ...

I will get there. It's just not today. 

The Spirits that live among us

So yesterday I went off to Spirit Church ...  Or whatever it is called .... My friend put me onto this ...
My sister was intrigued so she joined me last night ... Well, I joined her.

Well, have to admit. Very cool. I went back in November, the lady was alright... I'm thinking ... I was "a little" moved .. But not much... Her stories were mere suggestions, although she did deliver messages to people that were still reeling at the loss of their loved one.

LAST night ... Was what I believe ... Truly remarkable ....

The spirit man identified a mother and two daughters that had lost the husband /father. The one daughter had dyed her hair ... And the spirit man said the father didn't like her hair being coloured ... Interesting ... She looked a natural blond to me ... BUT when I saw the girl from the front .. I could clearly see she was dark haired ... To some degree .... Interesting ... The spirit man was able to give them clear details about their loved one ... So that was interesting.

The Asian appearing woman with the deep voice (that visited the first time, last time), was back, in the same spot, with the same annoying voice, blubbering about her same sadness, and the spirit man TOLD her her husband wanted her to move on ... Hopefully she will take her late husbands advice. PLEASE.

The couple that lost their son in a car accident, NEED to take the sons spirits advice and MOVE ON ... He has asked them to get rid of  his ashes, as they are not him ... He is FINE .... And wishes for them to be happy ... As it very clearly appears they are not.

The spirit man found a spirit that had committed suicide, except it was an accident ... The spirit said he didn't know what happened to him ... He just fell asleep, and never woke up. FINALLY a woman came through and said she knew him ... The Spirit Man was insistent that the spirit was coming from their spot in the church, when the girl finally spoke up. Interesting.

The fellow was able to give us a name of a man, (James) he knew that 2 grandkids were named after this man, he was able to determine autism, and knew that one of them were "growing out of it" .... And YES, that is a possibility .... Or at least it becomes LESS pronounced as one of the kids has aged. He spoke of separation (the sisters husband away in India for a month), and odd things like, he apologized for "not being around much" ... The spirit man told us that he is around us much much more than before (something that I already knew, or had a feeling of actually!), and something to do with shots in the arm ... (Butterfly needles in my dads arm, as he died) ... What he DID not say ... Was Thank You to my sister ... Which clearly she was looking for.

And that was the night ... Interestingly comforting to think that yes, there are the Spirits that live among us.