Hi lights from the hopper

I should rename this blog ... "Life of a Hopper", Hopper Chronicals, The no bunny tailed rabbit, hopping along the path of life, when only hopping happens, long time hopper - just me and the walker, one-legged hopping machine, the hoop jumper, My Leg on the Shelf of LIfe, I can see it, but can't touch it.

There; an array of details and events of how I feel about this hopping garbage.

THIS is the size of what is stopping from wearing my leg that sits on the shelf in the rehab department.

3cm x .5 x 1cm deep.

THAT'S IT.

Hurry the fuck up already ..... This is BORING to the power of ten.... And then some.

I very nicely had my lovely friend drive me today .... She is just so very real and delightful ... We can whine about the same things with our little family units ... And then although we come up with no solutions to help them (IT COULD NEVER BE US !!!!!! Right !!!?), we feel better nattering about the goings on in the mundaneness of life events.

So the wound care nurse came ... And while I am pretty close to being fed up ... I'm not completely fed up, although she said the words "fed up" ... However  I'm not ... I'm getting sorta at the end of the rope, because of course spring is approaching .. And I need a leg to do the gardening details ... If March comes, and then goes, and I do not have a leg by then .... Well ... This chickalit could be a little on the wild side of typical.

In the meantime .... The BC Transportation Safety Board has FINALLY processed my application. It only took 4 months ... But somehow they have managed. Now I can move forward in the "getting back to driving" department .... Now that's a piece of excitement to be excited for.

So now ... I will await a VAC ... And hopefully this whole MRSA thing will just melt away ... I think I need someone on the ball with this one ....

Such hi lights for this hopper ... Let's hope NEXT month when bunnyrabbits become real ... That I will hop out the other side .... And off I will WALK along that bunny trail.aasics, ampute

Take that nasty bug, take that.

Back to the rehab place I went yesterday .... I waved at my leg ... HI LEG!!! You will wait for me won't you .... !?!?!?

The only thing I got to do was see a Dr. He gave me a prescription for some bug drugs. (I am completely done eating little bug drugs ... I thought I was going to get out of this wound with it unscathed, and just the process that was taking too long). A referral to infectious disease, just to merely nod their head and say "yessiree, that's all you need" and the agreement that a plastic surgeon needs to sew this dastardly spot back up. Please and thank you.

Simple. Not.

If the orthopedic Doctor  could fitness her skills for but a moment ...Maybe she would be so inclined to sew this back up again ... Again; simple. Not.

What a whirlwind of micro steps forward, and a huge leap sideways ... THERE will be a moment in time, that will be happening sooner than later, that will help me regain the momentum of forward motion only ... I know it exists ... Like aliens & ghosts!

In other things that keep me amused hour by hour .... I have a big ball of yarn to knit wash clothes now ... So it's The Office & knitting that goes on around these parts .. And mad dashes of reading ...

I will get there. It's just not today. 

Seriously ..... This is the ridiculous ....?

So the girl didn't pass her driving test. Shit. Now I can't ask her to drive me on Monday! OK ... Moving on to someone else then ...

Alright ... In things that are continued to be messed up:

There's a hole in the leg because somehow a staph infection & MRSA has invaded my space.

How did this happen ... ? All I know is that there wasn't an ounce of anything in it, as reported by a swab way back on January 5th, 2016. And now there is.

All the internet searching the Google-de-ness of the lands can not seem to find a good enough answer for me. I want to know if this MRSA is a skin & soft tissue, or a deeper wound ... Because it isn't just sitting on the top of my skin ... The wound has traveled down to be about a good centimetre plus in depth ... Will oral bug drugs be enough ... Cause I have an end of a tibia & fibula sitting there .... We're is that MRSA & staph finding themselves ... ?

So I think I have had enough of the stupidity ... Thanks a lot, and a bunch, and then some ... Just give me my not so fancy leg, let me stand, then walk, and move on ... K thx & bye.

As the cords gets tangled.

Earlier today I decided that I wished to fish my garden lady out from behind the washer and dryer. She had been sitting on the window ledge, and when the cleaning lady was dusting, she dusted her straight to the ground. So one of my tin garden girls has sat behind the machines, until today.

Today it was operation rescue.

I figured it would be best to do this with a vacuum cleaner .... It made sense.

I asked the girl if she could kindly just grab me the vacuum cleaner, and drag it through the kitchen. I didn't ask her help in retrieving my garden girl. She decided that the vacuum would not work in retrieving the girl, and just sat in the kitchen at her computer, and carried on staring at her screen.

As I was struggling with cords that were tangled, and brooms that had fallen I asked her how in good conscience could she actually "just sit there" and watch me struggle, and not offer to do as I had simply asked, just get the vacuum out, but NOT DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

These are the moments when living on this one leg, and having a human in the home that refuses to do anything that I ask, really does make me fucking mental. I mean fucking mental to the point of I just wish she would politely find a new home to live in, where she can happily just sit around her home, and let it fill up with trash, and mess, and perhaps then she might realize ... HOLY FREAKING shit she is a slob when she wishes to be.....so.fucking.frustrating.

I did ask if she wished to hop around with my walker for a while to do some things, and see if she enjoyed it ... Or if she could even manage for 20 minutes washing her hair, organizing "stuff" that just needs to be picked up, or put away ... She declined.  Odd. Won't use the walker to see how it feels to manage to do things, and yet, can't give a shit to help do a task that I actually didn't want her to do .. Just needed help getting the vacuum out. NOPE.

Well, Karma will bite her in the ass, it really will. Where she is kind to so many people, on all levels, she fails miserably for the ONE person that actually is willing to give her the moon. Oh well, there will certainly come a time in her life when she will require help, and I will simply say. No, you can do it yourself.

Nasty of me ... Very .... But I think this will be a case of what comes around goes around.

There's a hole in my socket dear Liza dear Liza

Two weeks ago I had a hole in what should be my incision line smaller than a pencil tip. Today it's 2cm long by about 1.5 cm deep. I now have 6 days worth of waiting to see the orthopedic surgeon. She will look at it, look at me, and smile and say .. You need a plastic surgeon, not an orthopedic person, but thanks for coming in today.

I have been asking since September, then October, then November, and onto December at my monthly follow ups ... Should I be seeing a surgeon/somebody about this .. ?  In January,  the rehab doc decided that he wanted to see me, and then was surprised that it wasn't healed. I am surprised at all of these people being surprised by me ... They are ALL very young ... Very very young, very new to their practicing .. And then along comes healthy wild woman, with a very silent autoimmune disorder, which NONE of them have taken into consideration ... And they are SURPRISED by me ...

This game is getting boring. Completely boring.

The bigger part of the game is the fact that I need a plastic surgeon. One lady doc flat out refused. The other guy, who had seen me in the past, first said 3-4 months, then reneged and then refused to see me as well. Nice. Asshole. I asked him at some point way way long into the end of 2014 when all this cancer business was coming about, was he prepared to deal with a "scleroderma" type of  person, he nodded his head yes. Well, I have news for him, he should have shook his head NO, he was not prepared to deal with the oddball situation such as me. Things just go sideways. That's how it works, and I am not sure why.

In the meantime, I have a largER hole in my leg, it needs some "surgical intervention" otherwise this is going to months upon months of healing time. I'm done healing. I need to start walking.

In the meantime:

THESE things have happened:

The boy has nicely agreed to play a show with his band.
The girl is going for her drivers test this week. She also is starting a night school course. (Read BUSIER!!!!)
I have read two books: The Owl that Called my Name AND The Untimely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry. BOTH were excellent books! AND I have decided to return to my book club at the library ... And I have taken up a new pattern in wash clothe making. PLUS I have another two books on the go, and have another 2 knitting projects milling about.
Not a lot .. But enough that keeps me wild and crazy while locked up in this house.

Amputee Advice

Come and get it.

So I made someone cry today.

That's the biOTCH in me.

Or is it?

INCORRECT folks ... It was the full fledged KINDNESS that SOMEDAYS flows from my fingertips, that made this person cry.

They were commenting about being a fresh amputee, and I offered up some fresh amputee advice. Oddly enough, at this time ... I qualify!

What was the advice...?

It really wasn't all that amazing ... But amazing enough to help the person that needed it. When I look to the silver linings as to HOW COME I AM STILL motoring along on a walker ... Perhaps it was to HELP this one human alone ... Had I not been still hopping along, then this one person that benefited from my experience would not have happened.

So for that .. I thank the universe!

Back to the advice .. And NOT something that even the best of the "therapists" can offer up .. Since the experience is not "first hand" ...

So basically the person fell, and he did not remember how. AND since FALLING is a huge fear among MOST that have two legs ... It gets a bit scarier when one has ONE leg, and is a number of feet above the ground!

So I said:

Visualize: organize your brain so that every step you take with your walker is planned out. See yourself moving from A to B, and the steps to take to get yourself to the bathroom and back, or in and out of the car, or to move through a parking lot. If a curb is impeding the forward motion, then do not risk hopping over a barrier, but afford yourself the extra twenty steps. I would rather 20 extra steps of safety versus one bad decision that risks a fall.

Invest in yourself: Purhcase a pair of runners that will keep you stable. Wear them ALL THE TIME. No exceptions. Ever. Hopping is quite the work out. Keep the foot knees & hips happy at all times, your mileage will be A LOT further.

Put yourself on the clock: What I mean by this .. Is go to to the bathroom at regular intervals ...thus avoiding the need to "speed hop" to the bathroom, which increases the risk for falls. (BECAUSE remember ... Your brain is thinking BATHROOM, and not necessarily all the steps it will take to get there).

Be kind to yourself. Probably self explanatory, but then again not. It's not that I am saying .. "Ask everyone to do everything for me" ... It 's a case of letting go of the things that you have no control over. It's OK to let daily tasks go, more than likely "the next day" will be a better day to get small tasks accomplished.... Like the dishes! FOR EXAMPLE FOLKS: I had six towels leftover from the laundry that at first got dumped on the bed from the laundry, so I folded them, and returned them to the clothes basket. They were not in the correct location .. And every day it bothered me that I had not returned them to the bathroom .. So after three days of sitting there, (and a chance to visualize my steps to returning them to the bathroom all in one go) ..  I politely heaped them on to top of my walker .... And off I went. Task accomplished. That's what I mean about being kind ... Don't be hard on yourself with the tasks that were mindless trivial non events now come with a bit more thinking ... And that's ok ..

Reframe your thinking: Where you are today, will not be in the same place as tomorrow, next week, or six months from now. This is tough. It truly is, however when you are faced with adversity, you have to be as tough as what is being thrown at you. Take the time to acknowledge the frustration, and move on. HERE's and EXAMPLE FOLKS: So I CAN'T drive .. And basically it is boiling down to the governing body of the provincial government that is keeping me from this task. My first phone call was excruciating abysmal, I had been waiting months to hear from, only to find out that I wouldn't be hearing from them for months to come, many months. So I decided I had two choices, I could wallow in sadness, or madness (depending on the number of cups of coffee inhaled that morning!), or I could decide that this wasn't going to beat me down. My plan was, every week, on a Friday I was calling the transportation agency to talk to them, and ask them where I was in the piles of applications, and for the last three weeks I have gotten the same answer. Nowhere. HOWEVER ... That answer is easier to hear, when it comes at a slow steady beat .. BECAUSE eventually that will not be their answer ... And that is the moment that I am prepared for!

Recognize your fatigue: walking on a walker is like a work out that you weren't prepared for ... All the time! Chances are your energy will be better in the morning, so planning a big afternoon event if you have been busily doing things all day might not be the best of choices.

Realize this: despite the big adjustment ... Just know that whatever parts and pieces eventually come your way, will be WAY WAY better than the originals .. And again visualize how great it will be to move again!

Life is the experience of the moment. I challenge everyone to counter every negative experience with a positive experience. They are there, and only the universe truly understands why "perceived" roadblocks are put into our paths. Take the extra steps to carve out your happiness.

A word to the wise

Entitlement.

Some people are just that way inclined.

They should get exactly as they wish for ... Because it's their right.

Wrong.

I have bought driving lessons TWICE. The second time around came with the conversation that went along the lines of I didn't mind paying for some of the lessons, but not all of them, because I had already purchased them.... And the student refused to renew their "Learners" to ensure their continued driving experience. That didn't happen. Time passes. I get my leg chopped off. Now I am useless to take the person driving. Hence the 2nd time around driving lessons, of which now the person has a job of their own to pay for some of these lessons. It was this persons REFUSAL to renew their license AND their REFUSAL to drive a standard which halted everything.

I asked a number of weeks ago if I could get the Learner to drive me down the street to the dentist. I was refused. Completely flat out refused, forget it, the Learner wouldn't do it. I thought to myself, that is interesting ... The Learner seems to be able to drive all over the lower mainland, but can't drive me down the street, in a straight line for 5 minutes. At that time I hadn't taken any money for the lessons from the Learner, because after all cut the Learner slack ... For none other reasons, than to "let it go" ... Which I still thought ... I wasn't sure how much of the lessons I was going to ask the Learner to pay for ... But I should ask for something ...

Today ... I was excitedly asked to bring the Learner home a fantasmical sandwich since the Learner was able to do some new maneuvers in her driving lesson. As she embarked on her fantabulous sandwich I inquired as to the lessons. I was promptly told very quickly that I wasn't allowed to ask any questions, and how dare I inquire.

Right ... That sense of entitlement ... That I as a parent should provide for the child Learner ended. $550.00 was transferred like that out of her account. Now I don't give a shit ... If she doesn't pass, it's her money that's gone, not mine.

Just a word the wise, or on any other occasion the soft hearted. 

Today finally arrived.

This day took forever to get here.

I am fascinated that TODAY ... Arrived on the same day that a loved one had passed. I can't help but think of the reason for that ... !! I think that spirit father of mine had something to do with it.

My mom was fascinated with the spirit church thingy-majig. One day I will take her.

SO ... Today ... TODAY I got to stand on my lovely fake leg. It was so lovely to stand on that leg. Unbelievable beautiful actually.

My best best moment was The Lego Man ... Just sitting back, and giving me that moment of standing on that leg ... Letting me feel intact and whole again,... Letting me feel BETTER than I felt in so many months that have turned into years ... He just backed up, and let me have that moment of feeling like the person I once was, before this "thing" took over.

For comfort and safety sake .. I wore my green comfy vest ... What an unbelievable high.

Prosthetics ... What a pretty cool profession ... I certainly couldn't do it ... But GLAD somebody can!

The Spirits that live among us

So yesterday I went off to Spirit Church ...  Or whatever it is called .... My friend put me onto this ...
My sister was intrigued so she joined me last night ... Well, I joined her.

Well, have to admit. Very cool. I went back in November, the lady was alright... I'm thinking ... I was "a little" moved .. But not much... Her stories were mere suggestions, although she did deliver messages to people that were still reeling at the loss of their loved one.

LAST night ... Was what I believe ... Truly remarkable ....

The spirit man identified a mother and two daughters that had lost the husband /father. The one daughter had dyed her hair ... And the spirit man said the father didn't like her hair being coloured ... Interesting ... She looked a natural blond to me ... BUT when I saw the girl from the front .. I could clearly see she was dark haired ... To some degree .... Interesting ... The spirit man was able to give them clear details about their loved one ... So that was interesting.

The Asian appearing woman with the deep voice (that visited the first time, last time), was back, in the same spot, with the same annoying voice, blubbering about her same sadness, and the spirit man TOLD her her husband wanted her to move on ... Hopefully she will take her late husbands advice. PLEASE.

The couple that lost their son in a car accident, NEED to take the sons spirits advice and MOVE ON ... He has asked them to get rid of  his ashes, as they are not him ... He is FINE .... And wishes for them to be happy ... As it very clearly appears they are not.

The spirit man found a spirit that had committed suicide, except it was an accident ... The spirit said he didn't know what happened to him ... He just fell asleep, and never woke up. FINALLY a woman came through and said she knew him ... The Spirit Man was insistent that the spirit was coming from their spot in the church, when the girl finally spoke up. Interesting.

The fellow was able to give us a name of a man, (James) he knew that 2 grandkids were named after this man, he was able to determine autism, and knew that one of them were "growing out of it" .... And YES, that is a possibility .... Or at least it becomes LESS pronounced as one of the kids has aged. He spoke of separation (the sisters husband away in India for a month), and odd things like, he apologized for "not being around much" ... The spirit man told us that he is around us much much more than before (something that I already knew, or had a feeling of actually!), and something to do with shots in the arm ... (Butterfly needles in my dads arm, as he died) ... What he DID not say ... Was Thank You to my sister ... Which clearly she was looking for.

And that was the night ... Interestingly comforting to think that yes, there are the Spirits that live among us.

Come here, sit down .... And ... WAIT.

OK... Really ... I would love to know the mind fuckers that have re-entered my life suddenly.

I say it happened suddenly ... Because it appears that is the case, when I wasn't actually paying attention.

MONTHS ago I tried getting my drivers license re-organized so I could drive with my left foot. The BC transportation safety board are working on applications ... From September 1st. I sent my application in .. In October ... Although I sent PART of the little bastard application in .. In September ... Meanwhile ... This BITCH has been immobilized by the 3.2 million drivers in British Columbia that someone has to deal with. Today ... I am starting to LOSE my patience at the stupidity. I knew this would happen. OMFG ... Just hurry up for craps sake .....

Then ... I called the Rehab's specialists office ... The very lovely secretary told me the wait to see the first plastic surgeon was 3 - 4 months ... I suggested it may not be best to wait for him .. Since he wasn't too much in a hurry to fix me when this WAS cancer.... Certainly NOW .. That it isn't ... He will be in that much LESS of a hurry! Moving onto the 2nd plastic surgeon now .... For the LOVE of GAWD ... Hurry this up.

Oh wait ... That's not going to happen on all accounts ... I am a NOBODY in this world of numbers, and face less names ....

Yes, too many cups of coffee ........!!!!!

Yoga-mat users anonymous.

Yesterday, well, last evening yesterday I used my yoga mat. To simply lay on. Is that being profoundly lazy or not? I did not have any real intentions to actually exercise the leg either. I happily layed there ... And watched "The Office" ... I didn't realize that it was truly a funny show ... OK WELL I knew it was a funny show ... Except I did not take the time to enjoy it ... Now I am ... Except for the small problem of me falling asleep on the yoga mat ... BUT only for a short time .... I didn't sleep for like 43 episodes or anything ... Despite me just documenting that I enjoyed the show .. I still fell asleep. Someone's not telling the truth I am thinking!

So I think I am still going to use the yoga mat today ... Because I actually quite like sitting on it ... Even though I am not so moveable while standing, I am very moveable when sitting!

In speaking/thinking of yoga mats ... The lovely physioga lady will be helping me out in the yoga department once the leg makes a re-appearance. We have determined that we will get some chair yoga going, and then once I can maneuver with the leg machine, we will transition to yoga-ing with the mat ... And me, STANDING .... Holy freazuker-luscious that should be mind bending awesome!

Must. Stop. There.

Can't get ahead of me, a LEG, and a Yoga mat!

Reprieve Day 2

Yesterday in DeannaLand was a little (a LOT) quiet ....

Although ... I wasn't entirely by myself ... I did have people come in and out of the house ! I just didn't enter or exit the home ... How BORING am I ... ?

Today ... I have even LESS on my plate! I have nobody popping in, or out ... Nor do I need to go somewhere!

Although the day is still quite young ... Being 0900 in the morning ... So ONE never knows where things could go from here!

In the meantime:

I made a dishcloth. Kind of a step down from my beautiful scarfs, or tams ... But with every step one takes, you get to learn something ... So I have managed to learn some new knitting techniques. Go Me. Perhaps I should find a knitting blog .. And see other peoples projects ... Or Icould just have a look at Ravelry or Pinterest ... For real.

My sister in law and I had a fairly reasonable chuckle at "the black hole" of Pinterest. You start with your early morning cup of coffee & breakfast ... And some "light" interest looking ... Only to surface 5 hours later, 4 hours behind schedule of the day's events, stuck in your morning attire, teeth not brushed, and meeting somebody for lunch .... PLUS, the very sad fact ... WHO are these engineering wizards that come up with gazillions of brilliant ideas PLUS take pictures of them ..... Yes, I leave Pinterest feeling a deep well of sadness that there are real live actual people that are productive and talented humans .. And all I have done is slide my finger across a screen all morning ...  !

OK .... Not that I am ready to slice after looking through Pinterest .. Although the laughter element is true about the "time wasted" .. But NOT really wasted looking at things!

Back to my pathetic washcloth. It isn't truly that "pathetic" ... But it is NOT "perfecto" either ... I made a mistake in the first number of rows with my "counting" of stitches ... However, the washcloth recovered after the addition of the required 2 extra stitches that were missing from the previous section. I had to get serious with the question ... Will THIS affect the dishcloths performance .... ? Will the dishcloth be unable to wipe a counter, or clean the glass without leaving a smudge on it? What EXACTLY will happen if I do NOT perfect the dishcloth pattern .... Well for one thing ... It certainly isn't Pinterest worthy ... So maybe my brain might explode just knowing the imperfections of such a hideous entity. Or not. I have determined the cloth will be fine, as fine as it was sitting on the shelf, in a bin, waiting for a purpose. It's not like it's going to have to endure the land for misfit toys!

Well, Day 2 of this reprieving business, I wonder what I will accomplish !? I think I am going to have a date with Bob Ross. 

Today WAS the day!!!

So today was the day it all starts ....

I start with the construction of a LEG!!!

I'm gonna get a leg.

A leg up.
A leg apart.
A leg down.
A leg worth of race.
My leg of this race ... Has arrived!

It is finally here ... Today was the day ...

BUT ....  Here's the funny part ...

I am only getting a leg, cause this has taken so long .... Not really because it's a real leg that I will be boomeranging around with any day soon.

It's a leg to appease my brain actually. A little snippet of reality of what is supposed to be really happening .... However ... It's not a real leg that can be justifiable HERE IT IS.

It doesn't make sense does it .... But that is the reality ... I am getting a leg, so I can just get going ... Get going on something .. And "on something" I will take.

So unbelievably excited .... FINALLY .... This woman is moving on! Just in time .. I got new runners too!

Breast Cancer worries BEHIND me.

That's a billboard worth yelling about!

Not only is it behind me, it is also behind two other very very important people in my life.

Thank you new age fancy technology for detecting things that otherwise with the old "film" way of doing things, would not have been picked up .. However with the NEW way ... The digital imaging picked things up .. And stupidly in my case ... The CT Scan showed something that they weren't even looking for.

So NOW .. After waiting two months for this day to come and go, this day has managed to do just that .. Come and go .... Unremarkable, and definitely forgettable ... So glad for this.

The people will not be as forgettable .. The lady ... Who had been sitting for an appointment .. For two hours ... The Asian couple, who were more worried about the radiation from the mammogram machine, rather than breast cancer itself ... Then finally .. The woman with seemingly beautiful dementia/Alzheimer's that didn't quite seem to know anything .. In particular .. And was highly confused by my wearing of the two gowns, and where to put her clothes ... What a gem .. If I had to have sat a MOMENT longer with this woman .. I was totally going to ask .. "Do you live on your own?" ... Because LORD knows how she remotely functions !

WE collected our land title registery on our house today. That was even more exciting. Or maybe not ... But it had the potential to be exciting ... Official land owners .... !

Alright ... More leg talk to come .. Will save that for another day .. Gotta keep something to write about here !!!! 

Well, next phase ..... Of this ....

So I worked on and off all day at my application .... My application for CPP Disability benefits.

I think I am seriously having a hard time with this.

I believe I am cured .... I am no longer disabled ... However, because of my cure ... I am without a leg. I am without a leg because of my original condition. My original condition lead me down the path of somehow requiring immunosuppressants, which I believe for the most part ended up with me having cancer. Kind of a lose lose situation.

Except now I am now on the new path of being free ... Except for the fairly large inconvenience of being legless .... And with an autoimmune disorder that burdens me ... Like currently ... It has taken close to 6 months to heal this leg .. 1/2 a freaking year .... I thought I would have been walking by now ... Or something close to that ...

At any rate ... My application is done ... My LTD company sent me the info as it is a requirement ... So .. I have done it ... As much as I have not wished to be on LTD, or receiving benefits of any sort ... Other than a good honest day's paycheque ... But that is for another day it seems.

Next phase ... Please hurry !!!!!!!!!!!

Raw carrots & soup

Interesting day.

I have quietly decided you can just never hand over peace to someone. Not possible. IMpossible. Hugely IMpossible.

My frenzied home bound energy can be a bit on the overwhelming side ... Especially if you are not up to snuff of being on the receiving of the whacky craziness.

I am tired of being locked here, away from people, unable to be free to do as I please, when ever I please, and MORE NOTABLY .. Obligated to be places, where otherwise I have to be away from the home, and out of touch.

In the thrill of never being good enough, the sister was most not pleased with my sudden silence on the texting machine. She fails to realize that I had nothing fucking to say. Not a word. I didn't talk to her, I didn't talk to my any other people, unless they talked to me ... I just haven't.

I gulped fresh air, sat on the porch, even in the pouring rain of winter, ... Just to keep my mind in a stream of moving forward. The sister told me she was pissed that I was silent. I am silent for many reasons.... I have texted before ... Many times, and things have been left, with no message returned. I haven't been bothered to challenge her on her response one time ... "Ah, I didn't feel like it" ... Thanks, good to know that I wasn't worthy.

At the end of the day her mammogram came back pretty much negative. She then said to me that I shouldn't be going to pieces because of her shit .... Uhmmmm .... Thanks, but please don't tell me how to feel, I am allowed to be concerned .... And quite frankly, being locked up in a house ... Unable to partake in the real world .. Sometimes you are left thinking about things a little too often ....

Jesus Fucking Christ .... I wasn't going to pieces ... However ... Knowing that I have another important person in my life walking the same path as her, and me left just waiting in limbo still ... Ya ... I am allowed to feel the way I feel. Fuck.

Oddly enough .. I have been silent ... However ... Probably way more silent because I actually have nothing of any value to contribute .... I am kinda wildly bored being locked in a home that I wish to be away from .... It's almost as though I am waiting for the lottery ticket to cash in .... I dare to dream of the possibilities of what is going to happen around the corner .... Once this leg get's returned to it's starting position!

No soup for you .. Or me....  Just a whole bowl of slop.

The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess .... 

Impatiently Patient.

What a moron I am. How can one be like this .. ?

But yes ... I am the comedy of the worst line up ever ... The longest, biggest, baddest line up there ever was. AND I am just that stuck, that there is NO getting out of it!

So in today's working of how things go ... The very nice, and excitable home care nurse shows up ... And packs the eencie weencie little tiny wound ... With approximately 3 inches of packing ... That is the MOST packing I have seen anyone do ... I think this thing should have been packed WEEKS ago .. And even still ... The other equally very nice home care nurses were not so aggressive in their packing .. I had a tiny little amount ... Barely an inch, if that.  What this stuff is supposed to do, is wake up the cells, and kick them into healing action, which is exactly what is going on ... However .. Like I said .. There is the tiniest of holes ... So hopefully TODAY, with the increased inches ... The hole will now make a completely make a disappearance !! Cheesus freaking crackers ... Enough already.

So in other things ... The Lego man is on hold for another week. Cause ... Why not. ... Right ?

OH GAWD ... The Minzie is HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Driving chaos situation case 4,530. ... Here we go. Details to come. 

The life that's in us.

Wow, heavy title. But not really.

So I made my 21 year old son a Betty Crocker birthday cake, in a funnel pan. It broke apart. So did I. How the FUCK does one screw this up?

You have to see it from my perspective ... Doing this all one legged is pretty god damned irritating ...but I go about my business, hoping to make a double chocolate cake for the lovely wild boy ... And the fucking thing breaks.

Is it so hard to screw up a Betty Crocker cake ... Really ..?

In the next instant ... I get a text from my sister ... She has been waiting on test results for a stupid polyp that has decided to grow inside of her ... NEGATIVE, same with the CT Scan.

Two NEGATIVES equal a positive right .. ?

Fuck I hate math ! I hate the rules of math, the concepts, the magics and the unknowns .... It swirls about us unfurling it's infinite ways to which spill unto us .... Determining where and what direction we are headed ....

My direction ... Was tears ... Of madness, of sadness, of relief, or exasperation. I hate the fucking math that comes with Christmas time ... And the number of days it takes for offices & departments to start working again ... We are forced to wait for appointments while the world happily rejoices ... Meanwhile ... Betty Crocker cakes crumble, and then so do we.

Again .. No fucking humour here today ... 

Happy New Year to all you yogi's out there !

Somehow all of this doesn't seem quite right. So last year, I had a leg and could drive. So far this year, I am MISSING a leg & have a brand new car, and CAN'T drive!

However, humour prevails, and my GOAL for the end of this year is to gain a leg & the ability to drive. Not a difficult task..... Says me ..... Who still hasn't healed from my leg being chopped off five LONG months ago!