Ho Hum ... how is it I feel so glum?

Well .. I can tell you why ...

I am way more emotionally invested in this "band" than I wish acknowledge.

This is my boy, who at the end of Grade 9 was "given" a beautiful $3500.00 keyboard. This thing did NOT get wasted ... for a single second. What did get wasted was the time that he (including the band) spent playing at venues with perhaps a dozen people to watch them,  ... in awe of their raw talent ... which is something they did not lack in ... in any regard.

 I am so so so grateful that I took the time to go and see him play, and record these events, and throw them on YouTube; where for as long as YouTube will be around .. so will my boy and his fantasmical playing ability ... that never got to see the limelight as the other parts of his band over shadowed him.

So tonight ... he called a meeting ... and told the band members to be there ... even though they were all heading out for a party at six oh four records ... as he could not wait over their "christmas break" to let them know that he wished to step back.

The nicest part of my son is this .. while he completely wants to walk away (it has been six years), he still felt that he wanted to help them with shows around "here", or with recording backing tracks, and finding a "replacement" ... (which NOW he deeply understands how UNREPLACEABLE he is) ... sounds all big shotted and fancy-pants speaking about "my boy" like that ... but that is what it is ..

This has been two years in the making ... he has stayed for two additional years ... just to ensure that he was "certain" about his decision about removing himself from this band.

And now tonight ... it was important that he tell these really talented guys ... there are lots of talented guys ... there really is ... but finding them is a challenge ... and for MY BOY .. moving on to growing up is a bigger challenge when you have to give out these types of let downs ...

So back to me ... I am in tears .. perhaps just ALL OF LIFE catching up to me ... perhaps the knowing that he did what he could do, and this is the end of the road ... and yet I know that it is the end of the road in THIS REGARD, but a whole new road to be traveled on his own. But I am sad. I am just sad that while he didnt have big hopes and dreams (that this was his golden ticket) .. it just didn't work out for them ... I feel sad that I was never able to hand them over $50,000.00 and say "go make your recordings" ... and "let's find you guys a real agent" ... and so none of that happened ... so they didn't happen. I am sad for the music that is now left behind. I am sad that they will just drop him, and say .. ya, it's been nice.

When the boy gets home ... he may or may not tell us stories .... thus I wait .... so glumly ... 

The Band No MORE Boy

So ... all good things must come to an end. Sometimes.  I am feeling a bit apprehensive for the boy today .... as I have a feeling he is very much feeling that way himself. He has remained hidden inside the confines of his room ... just "chillin" I am guessing.

He has decided to end his good times with the band that he is in. Mind you .. in reality he really doesn't wish to quit. He wishes to NOT quit so much that it's eating him up inside. However; in an effort to grow and expand into his adulthood he needs to move on. He can't move on, while he is forced to remain at something where he ONCE loved, but somehow knows he just needs to go.

He spent a month back in September/October traveling and playing ... he decided that THIS was not the life for him ... He didn't like imposing on complete strangers couches, and the unknown of where he would shower at the start of the day, or for how long would he get to sleep before they had to pack up and leave to their next destination. So not what he wishes to do for the "rest" of his life.

My boy has simply said that his style of music has changed, he doesn't wish to be a "part of the background." Not that he is going to "go it alone" in his musical ways, although he very much is wishing to move on with his musical self.

I have always said ... and still say ... He is completely Elton John, but a 21st century Elton John. He isn't meant for background .... this guy has just got what it takes in the front of the show talent department ... and yet has the graces to not let it go to his head ...

So today I am feeling sad for him ... he wants to tell them tonight at band practice, and yet is not going to, as they have a show tomorrow night ... so he doesn't wish to wreck their HIGH.

Well, ... but moving forward .. it may open doors and opportunities for other engagements that he can participate in ... a young lady said to him last week that she could sit and listen to him for hours ... the nice part about that comment was the fact that she was a piano teacher herself, and had been playing for twenty years ... so a compliment to the boy himself as to the level of talent that he possesses.

Interesting though ... eventually things change ... as time moves on.

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

Wow ,...

Guess what I found ....  MY CARD READER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It had been "missing" for quite some time ... SOME LOTS of time it seems. I was never able to upload photos of this beautiful bomb shell. However; now I have ... and thus ... Grad photos from MAY are in order. This day was brutally WARM ... little did we know, THAT this day, along with weeks upon weeks filled the calendar ... all the way up until October.  It was quite the weather spell we were under. 

So here is the beautiful babe ... and just like when she was just a wee babe .. this brother loved her to the moon and back ... just the same way he did when he got to meet her for the first time, and the same as this day, her graduation day!

Burgundy brown.

That's my hair colour.

I washed it today .... the water ran pink.

I pay actually money for this, this is not a mistake ... I repeat .. NOT A MISTAKE. How the hell have I gone from "once upon a time" looking like Snow White ... to mother of the year in the hair styling department ... ?

This hair could win awards in the prettiest flower colour of fall ... I am the perfect PANSY colour !!

I spent the day hunting ... BIG time hunting ... not big game mind you ... HOWEVER .. it was a big game to try and find what EXACTLY I was looking for .. which is a knitting pattern! I want to knit a particular type of sweater jacket ... and it's taken me hours to LOOK for something that MIGHT be the best thing to put together ... !! Of course we have to keep in mind that I am a fairly amateur knitter ... so big projects have to be on the simpler playing field ... there's trade off's you know !!

And WEIGHING in heavily in "trying to not overthink shit" ... is this whole bullshit that I have happening inside my left chest ... WTF ... waiting for "the next test" to confirm what SHOULD NOT BE GOING ON ...

And now ... settling back to my next baddest boyfriend in town ... BOB ROSS !!!!

Are you FREAKING kidding me ...

I hate cancer. As anyone should. I really fucking hate it.

On my agenda this week: going to see the Lego Man ... for the start of the rebuild of the leg that is missing due to cancer ...

Then ...

Ring Ring ....

Hi this is Deanna ...

This is Dr. GP's office ... Dr GP would like to see you in follow up.....

Oh OK ...

Make the appointment .. The End.

Now I am left waiting to FIND OUT  what the fuck they found on the CT.

Mini breakdown ... fortunately a friend was here ...

Sue helped me through the mini meltdown.

THEN ... HI .. It's Dr Onccologist calling ... The CT Abdomen was clear ... except that they saw something on the left breast.

Ya ... but what about my NEW LEG that I am going to try on NEXT WEEK....  that is what my plans were ... those were my FREAKING plans ... not visiting the GP to deal with a new found suspicios something.

No Humour here today ..... other than ...

I got my hair coloured ... so now it's burgundy in flavour .... !! 

Hey Lady - over here!

So today I went for a CT Scan ... they had a pretty little look at my abdomen. Not that there is anything wrong with it, that I know of. Life will go to holy terrors of hell if it comes back that they have detected something.. as NOTHING should be living inside of me. Except for that gerbil, in my knee, when I am laying on my stomach, and bending my "little leg" up and down. What an UGLY feeling that is ... hence why I say I have a gerbil living in me ..

So that CT Scan dye is pretty awesomely cool ... and I did not notice "this" before as the dye flushes through your system ... and it crazily flushes ... then, just when you think you have been "scanned" into success .. your eyebrows slowly raise ... and now you are left feeling like you have peed your pants. Yes ... and then you lay on the table and think to yourself ... I really didn't pee my pants right ? The overwhelming flushing didn't wreck the boundaries of my bladder right ... ?

Fortunately ... all was well ... in the peeing of the pants department ... double PHEW!!!

And then, because adventures just get better and better ... I went to the MEAT store! Probably at this point, someone would be excited to go into the meat store. I was excited to GO to the meat store, not actually BUY anything at the meat store. Hence why the very hyped-up meat selling cow jockies kept calling out : "hey .. I can help you over here !" .... I turned them down ... four times.  I have a feeling that they have never been so happy to see someone leave their premises .... the one legged hopper with the walker left with nothing ... interesting ... I don't like meat. Except for bacon. Bacon is my friend ... and bacon (for me) is a completely edible interesting flavoured vegetable. For real.... so don't you faithful readers be "hey lady - over here" ... trying to point at me that it is ANYTHING different!

All the wrong ways! ~ sort of

Check out the eyebulbs on this crazy character. He knows 10,000 times over where he is NOT supposed to be ... so he quickly, and quietly tucks himself in, and immediately starts the sleeping process. He knows that as long as he sleeps stealthily, this not so stealth in the "kicking him out" department will leave him where he is. 

So many rules ... forever changing ... 

ON yesterdays life adventures ... 

I paid actual real live money to go sit in a gym, and scrapbook. Crazy ... ! or not !! I LOVED IT!! 

Life is a changing ... I can feel it in the winds. Well, I can see that life has changed .. cause this little guy stands at three times the height, doesn't wear fleecy jammies, we don't own linoleum from the 1970's any longer, and that wood paneling is gone. AND the "wild west" CD, is long, and wild gone!! This little Bobe-dee sang along to "rawhide" .. and stomped up his feet .. and gee ODD, was a performer at this tiny of an age!!  All the worry and unknowns about raising children right ... "what will they become" ....well  at this very moment .. the boyson is currently reading a book about the first world war, which involved elephants. For real. That's what he has become ... a huge history LOVING, piano playing, song writing musician. Wowser mowsers ...this is definitely something that ISN'T the wrong way!

And ... moving on.

So I think it was about this time last year that the final confirmation came in about this foot. It was around this time last year that I was looking forward to January ... I wanted to skip the fricken December month, and move straight on into January. The Truth. How odd, no?

ANNND ... here we are almost a year of waiting ... but now for different things !! GAWD.

Life around here can be at times a bit montonous ... although .. I have to admit .. I have had good opportunity to "chill" ... for an extended period of time. In fact, unbeknownst to you, (ever so avid reader), I probably have stolen some of your "chill time" ... by pure osmosis.

Feeling ripped off now a little, I'm guessing ... ?

I know right !?

So I was doing a little contemplating this morning ... what the hell happens when I have obligations forced upon me ... what the hell am I going to do then .. ? Now that I have stolen most of mankinds "chill time" ... because .. in reality .. I have turned into a professional at it.

I will admittedly say ... that pretty much from morning till night, I am busy. Busy somehow. Busy being not really busy, but busy. Engaged. Doing something. Professional hour filler. Hand me your boredom, and I will fill your plate with "something".

This "chill time" could accurately be described as a prison sentence, ... and the days out, are escorted day passes. How lovely of a thought process. As I do not required electronic monitoring ... cutting off the leg managed that little problem. In the meantime .. I am exactly that ... an excited furry creatured beast ready to hit the road for any kind of car ride that will come for me!

Well in things way more exciting:

So I have had the opportunity to go scrapbooking for the day tomorrow. I have KNOWN about it for months upon months, and yes, upon months. Guess who is not ready? I mean really ... not ready ... that would be ME ... shit! I have contemplated my DAY LONG project ... and have come up with NOT MUCH !!! I have ideas upon ideas roaming in my brain ... and I have YET to get things organized ... so that will happen, post blog post. Trust me ... I am a professional ... !! Laughable ... 

And in other things that are weighing on my mind that I wish to divulge at this time ... so the leg is about an "eencie-weencie" amount worth of healing to go on .. and this bitch leg is DONE! done done done done done ... and done. It will be ready for the next phase of leg-less-ness ... and that is LEGNESSNESS .... hopefully I can be scanned ... and let the designing begin. MUCH to most readers grand disappointments ... I am going with a regular boring run of the mill leg ... one that pops on, and gets me places. This crazy woman does not require a STATEMENT of intactness ... meaning that I do not need designs & tattoos and flourescent colours screaming at me that I have a story .. christ ... everyone has a story ... EVERYONE ... mine, like EVERYONE's doesn't need to be plastered across the world stage for all those to wonder ... so pretty excited about THIS PHASE. I can't say that I was feeling this level of excitement LAST year at this time ... and now moving onnnnnnn .... 

Seriously Santa

So ... while I was cleaning out one of my cupboards a number of weeks ago .. I found a purple shimmery box. It was intriguing to me .. I knew there was something of completely NO value, except I did find some christmas ornaments. These guys needed some colourful TLC. What a project.

As GUILT has an evil way of commanding what happens in your life ... I decided that I couldn't possibly LIVE another christmas without having these ornaments all coloured and bedazzled in christmas craziness.

So now .. I sit ... and paint .. and fuss,... and paint ... and fuss ... and waste a whole bunch of time contemplating the colour red ... because as luck would have it ... I have managed to find myself a whole bunch of Santa's ... really, seriously santa!

IN other things of whimsy and value ... !!! .... A rather large expense will be purchased  NOW,  in the next coming months ... so I have managed to heal up this little leg!!!! Another week or so .. and off I go to catch a new leg ... or the process of getting a new leg ... hooray for the two legged-ness! So excited to be a believer in things do eventually work out!

Virtual Nothingness

Ok seriously ... how does one almost do nothing all day ? Is that even possible I ask? Because today is the day I perfected practically virtual nothingness. AND not for the real intention of doing nothing ... but accomplishing actual nothingness without actually trying for complete nothingness. Let's just label this full on loser award!

Well .. not really ...   I did stuff that I would simply like to label as "stupid shit" ... things that are just annoying unto themselves that the instant you complee the task .... it is just that easily forgotten ... like wiping down the bathroom counter with the lysol wipes because you don't really want to "actually" clean the counter with like ... stuff ... you know, that kind of time saving factors. (From the woman with LOTS of time on her hands!)

However in other nothing filled events ... I didn't even use my magical lights. AT all. How is that possbile ... since I don't actually have to be up scurrying about getting ready for "work life" stuff ... christ ... once one slips down that slope ... it's a helluva way to try and crawl back up ... gawd ... even the dishes did not get re-distributed to the cupboards ... Ok .. again LAZY ASSNESS ... sort of ...

I failed to mention that yesterday was a triple duty in the hopping department, and the cycling department, and going out department, and in the standing department, and therefore extra pressure in the hands being numb cause they are tired department ... so today ... being a little on the nothing side was probably virtual goodness ...

AND then I went through and got rid of bits and pieces of paper n junk, and folded laundry and did dumb dumb exercises that keeps this leg from totally getting smaller in the muscle department... and then hung out with the boy and the girl and the lovely friend that took me out wheeling, which lead to us talking to a fairly funny neighbour ... so all in all ... the day of virtual nothingness isn't really nothing .. just not a lot of accomplishments of great stupendous things !!

No worries though ... the minnie mouse wheeling will resume it's activity tomorrow ... 

A workers guide to retirement

Ok ... so first things first.

One MUST work.

Well now there's a situation.

The End.

I just got home from a retirement "do". This lady "did" a lot. I will not compare myself to her. But gawd damn ... one can not HELP but compare their lives ... like "holy crap" ... where did she get the time, and all the vision ... to put forth change in so many ways !! And yet ... she is still very young ... VERY young ... and now what does retirement look like for her ... because THOSE ideas do not stop, that forward thinking, being a mentor to so. many. people.

So I think I still have "some time" left to make an impact. On something.

But GAWD what ... ?

And that is WHY my book on a workers guide to retirement will be a short non-descript snippet of words that simply says ... "And now, the adventure begins!"

In my non-retirement form I am fortunate to wake up everyday and ask myself ... "what is the goal for the day?" How do you foresee your day unfolding? Is there room for solitude, or spontaneity? Is it colourful, or is it planned out ? Big or small, I equate my days to adventures, even mini adventures, I am not changing peoples lives minute by minute, but I do add to the equation of "my peoples" lives, and that is important. Somedays.

In other things that are way less boring ...

I put my paints away for a titch of time. In reality, it's a make work project just to get them out again. That should be fun. NOT. However; in the meantime, I will carry on with my New York colouring book, and practice the art of turning a black and white picture to colour via pencil crayons.

Somehow it just doesn't seem worthy to talk about accomplishments, and "shoes to fill", retirement, and colouring ... "Hi ... I am here for our colouring date!" .... ya, not so much.

Well, THAT was scary. NOT

So for over 498 moments I decided to change the look of my blog. I thought it was dying. The blog. Not me. I thought I was running out of words, and stories, and useless tales to tell. I thought that this was a "wash out" ... that I was going to pack up shop and be done.

NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

I think I am BACK ... with more stories, useless details of life, and other random pieces of adult life that really isn't that humorous at all. However; I will now try to find a the humour in the day, and leave it here ... to be found. With attached labels and photos to further get the intention across.

Here's a photo now ... nope .. can't seem to make it happen. So at this point this blog will remain pictureless... which is really actually a good thing since I do not have many to share.

So here we are the end of October ... almost at the end of another year ... amazing how time doesn't fly. This time last year I was waiting upon people to tell me stories of life changing alterations that were in the works ... and a year later ... I am still waiting on the life altering fix ups .... "I hear that leg a comin, comin' down the track" ... it's that level of excitement around here ...

I watched a couple of videos a number of weeks back by the "AmputeeOT", she was interesting & informative, and clearly very smart. I can't say I was thrilled with her blaring BYYYEEES and child like waving into the youtube videos very enticing to keep me coming back ... in fact .. down right scary  ... perfect for a day like today .. when that is the amount of scariness that this one person can take. Perhaps what may have been very scary is the fact that she was strutting along at 10 weeks post amputation .. on her very own leg. Today marks three months in the calendar of time that I have managed to put behind me ... all minus a leg. Still alive, and hopping about to tell the tall tales of adventures ... and I am waiting for the excitement of the day when the adventure starts again on two legs!

So now ... amongst the rain storm ... I will go and observe the pumpkin carving adventures! 

Holy slow-pokes

So today .... miraculousy enough managed to submit some "artwork" to an art show, that fortunately is titled "anonymous" ... more than likely for ME, is a good thing! I actually FEARED having to put my name on the little 8x8 pieces of  "artwork" for the HUGE fear of embarressment !!! SO horrific! .. and well, timely .... VERY SCARY !!! Oh yes, very scared ... however .... I am intrigued as to what the gallery will look like, once all the gems are hung up for the show ... in the meantime ... the show is juried .. and now I will live in the HUGE fear that the people will call me with "thanks for coming out today with the artwork, but you need to take yours home" .....

And so .. moving on ....

Novembers project will be quickly approaching ... !! I found some christmas ornaments that need some sort of embellishments of christmas craziness ... so before the box of mega stash of paints is set away for safekeeping .. I will paint up a storm or red, greens & blues for the festival of christmas time fun colours!

In other things .... well ... that would be the above items ! Apart from the fact that I am still down ONE leg, and there is no real end site into "it's" arrival ... although NOW I am thinking that it is going to be closer to the END of the year ... so we could be talking Birthday Gifts for oneself !! Who knows .. the leg recovering gods only know that !!

When the loves runs out ...

So when Lady Ga Ga was dreaming up music ... little did she know, she perfected the minniemouse wheeling song ! My life has revolved around this piece of music .. and wheel away I go, on my mini-bike .. that's mini HAND bike that sits atop my counter top .. while I peddle up a storm .. trying to get this heart rate above a hundred. But alas we have the lovely Neil Diamond ... with his Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show ... now that is a quaint piece of music ... that keeps these mighty arms a peddlin!

I keep peddlin ... as the love has not run out ... YET!!

So in current events:

WE have had the grand transformation of the "girls" room ... she is now hoarder-less appearing now .. and is in fact .. most disgusted with the amount of "things" that she had stored away for another day... so in reality .. she might be swinging the other way now .. not interested in STuFF that crowd her world. Very freeing ... I would believe.

I am currently perplexed by my pickle trees. So I have been doing some painting for an "anonymous" show ... and good gawd .. this woman is keeping it anonymous !!! I wouldn't want my name on ANY of these absurd creations .. however .. they are painstakingly making me remain focused ... sort of .. I would rather do dishes than paint .. so that's telling ya something.

Waiting for the boyson to return to living in the homestead ... upon his return ... will he remain a band member, or forgo that passion and enter the mainstream population ... time and an apple pie will tell !

Well .. back to the pickle tree painting party ... 

Well isnt this a numb ride!

Yes it is folks. Numb all around. Currently the little "pawsies" are back up to their hissy fitting tricks and are numb as numb can be.

This couldn't possibly be due to the fact that I am a professional hopper maniac. I have crutches, but despise them ... the non cruise control walker gives me super sturdy ground to balance on. Gotta love balance. So the extreme pressure that I use to walk with is causing nerve damage to my hands .. which is the reason for the numbness, such dumbness .. No ?

BUT then I have the minnie-mouse wheely hand bike ... I am up to 43 minutes on that baby. AND cheesus .. I could break down the wheely biking to a couple of times a day .. but once you get on this piece of magic ONE DOES NOT WANT TO GET off this hand bike .. gawd NO ... reason: YOU would never get back on ... it is just obnoxious .... wheeling and wheeling and never getting the heart rate past 100 BPM. At least I think that's the case ... I have a heart rate monitor ... on the telephone ... but that means ... stopping (well once your torture of the minutes is up) .. it takes a good two minutes to get the app up and running ... pokey pokey .. in the meantime ... the wheeling has to stop ... and so does the freaking heart rate. Double damn on being the nosey parker as to whether I am still alive or not. Freak.

Let's talk hair. It's everywhere. All. The. Time. I usually have great plans to wear it down ... and it looks all great and lovely .. until I start HOPPING about .. and then it's a showdown in the "wild west of hair locks" ... they are everywhere! Of course washing this fine mane is another sub-par arrangement. I like washing the locks in the laundry room sink .. it seems to fit my head .. however the floor is tile, and by the time this wild hopper is done .. so it the leg & foot. It's done dead and gone. By then end of the hair washing .. I am now standing on what would be "high heels" in an effort to NOT stand on the remaining good foot. Double witchy wonderland.

to be continued ... 

Five years ago ..

I was staring at a Bob Cat through the den window, and blazing about the backyard catching pictures of it .... terrified that it would come and get me, if I went back there .... gawd .. if only I had known that something for more severe would silently sneak up and try and kill me in the meantime. But it didn't ... and here I am.

The girlie girl has just set foot out the door and off to work she goes ... it is just so very lovely .. my graduated girl ... making her way to the Wally World of entertainment ... I wonder if the Sir let her drive on the way there ... he tends to NOT let her drive when the are out on short excursions .. gawd .. how those minutes count .. when the driving time is precious!

So the fact that I am MINUS a right leg leaves me whirling a bit in the NON driving department .. I am useless to the girl for a driving companion .. which is a shame ... beuse we have lots of time together while we could be out tooling around ... but apparently we are not supposed to be .. so says the universe. I have talked with the agencies that "report on" this sort of stuff .. one agency says I am allowed to drive with her .. and another agency says I can't ... and because the "yes" side has no names attached to it, or I have a "YES YOU CAN" in writing .. I am opting for the NOT driving with her .. because in the end ... the rather very large corporations will have me by the throat if something goes awry.

In things way less boring ... am still waiting on the leg. We have now reached October 10th ... (well duh) ... and no sign of a leg any day soon ... however ... probably at the end of October I am holding out hope that this is where I am heading ... to be "leg-filled" ... har har har ... So I have this "wound edge" from the chop off point that has refused to heal ... little bastard ... BUT NOW .. with some additional TLC and not just letting it sit .. it is getting smaller ... so happy for that. I think there are still some sutures left in the leg as well .. or something .. because on the end of the left side of the chop off point it is irritated enough ... and enough is MORE than enough to stop the "getting the leg" process .. so I have given the leg one more week of "sitting" around and made an appointment with the surgeon .. who hasn't been my surgeon at all .. but rather a covering surgeon who has only seen this wound once, for 22.3 seconds, and the other time just wrote a prescription for the homecare ladies to take out sutures .. kind of comedic .. all the same . a bit of a make work project ... but it may be worth it in the end if there is something niggling away at keeping it unhappy.

The boy has made it to Oshawa today ... him and the band are making their move across the country. This MAY be his breaking point as to whether he is IN or OUT of the music making industry. I have my fingers crossed that the "agents" and entertainment type loving people actually see their worth .. and "do" something to make their work finally worthwhile for them ... yes ... fingers crossed .. big time. OR ... he finds his way back home, and returns to life in the education ways .. and moves on.

Today ... we are in the final stages of changing the girls room for what she has known her whole life as beautiful and sweet, into a young ladies bedroom. It's all very exciting for her!

So here I sit .. with many tasks needed to be tended to, including this "anonymous show" that I am determined to accomplish ... but of coures that involves painting something ... and it is all in my head that this is swirling about ... I "simply" need to forge ahead with the painting process which is very tricky !!

So this time next year .. when it gets to be "six years ago" .. I will have a leg .. and probably wont be sitting here .. bu rather will be engaged in finding great camera adventures ... and slurping back coffee in a thermos along some roadway gathering "autumn"shots ... or EVEN better .. will be sitting organizing photos from a 25 year wedding celebration ... after a cruise !! That's what this chick is waiting for ...

Oh, and in other things .. paid off the mortgage yesterday. Things will be finalized by next week. That's a bit of a hooray.

So here we are folks ... a number of hours later, about 43 coats of paint, and the beginnings of a new beginning. I need more colour and more brushes, and more canvas and pieces of inspiration, and this free flowing colour will learn to take hold. For now, this is a start, and as I become accustomed to let the paint just sit pretty .. so will my paintings. This has to start somewhere ... this being the first, is a good first. 

Happy September first-stepping!!

Well phew .... have managed a whole long month with being the one legged wonder.

Exactly a month ago I was sitting in a hospital bed ... wishing away the long hours and long days ... and knowing that "things" would be so much better a month out ... and I will admit ... they really fucking are !!!!

All the things I currently do take about a gazillion extra steps, but I have come to the conclusion that I really am not going anywhere very fast anyways ... so the time that I eat up just "doing" things is really quite fine.

Am I frustrated .. hell ya ... Am I still wishing away the hours ... a little less of a hell ya .... Am I now looking forward to things that I can begin to do again ... HELL YA !!!

ONE doesn't know how far they have fallen until it becomes that moment when you look up from your pit of hell ... and surrender.... but not the surrender in giving up, however it's the surrender that this is finally the ground breaking moment when you find that little tiny etch in the wall, and KNOW that you can find your way back. It's knowing, REALLY knowing that there is light, and life OUT THERE ... and trusting that inch by inch, ONE can find there way back.

What I have been through, is completely "over-come-able" ... in the true sense of Deanna'isms this journey has been a dastardly ride in the rollercoaster of hell. For the most part, it is indescribable the horrific pain I have lived with and walked with. I can't even register now ... a SINGLE month out .. how I fucking lived like that. And yet BEFORE, every fucking day ... I would get up, get washed, fix my hair, brush my teeth, get dressed, get that lipstick on, and face the fucking day ... and cheesus ... this went on for months upon months. BECAUSE ... I knew that somehow ... this was "over-come-able".

So while I malingered in that pit of hell, I still had an amazingly wonderful supportive network of friends and family and people that surrounded me, and insulated me from that pit of hell ...and you know .. they kept me. There is no other word to truly describe it ... They helped to keep my resilience to the evils that although I was sitting in a pit ... I didn't seem touched by it ... and I wasn't going to let that pit of hell keep me locked into isolation and darkness. I wasn't going to be tricked that even though this was my lonely walk, I wasn't alone.

And now ... a whole month later ...I still can't go up and down stairs, I am isolated from the rest of the world because of my inability for accessibility .... and do I care .. HELL NO ... because my first steps a whole long one month ago were now the first steps away from my pit ....

Yes, September first .. The previous month was a whole lot of firsts ... and am finally feeling free to enjoy this next month of firsts.

Welcome to Life Part III

So let's just do some damage control here:

January 6 - surgery & VAC, graft on little foot
March 16 - biopsy -all clear
March 31 - IV antibiotics & the thought that SOMETHING is NOT right.
April - WBC Scan, Bone Scan, MRI - hmmm - osteomyelitis
May 4 - Appt with Oncologist - he says "foot looks fine" - LATER that day appt with Inectious Disease- Foot DOESNT look fine
May 8- Back to Plastic Surgeon
May 16 - Biopsy Again
May 22 CT scan Abd - POSITIVE for enlarged lymph nodes groin
May 28 - IV Antibiotics D/C'd, Appt with Plastic Surgeon - POSITIVE for Re-current SCC
June 8 - Back to square one, might as well be January 6 all over again, plus a bone BX at surgery
June 18 - PET scan
June 22 - FNA lymph node groin
June 28 - appt with oncologist
July 13 - Excision lymph node groin
July 31 - Amputated the poor little foot, just below the knee.

WELCOME TO LIFE !!!!

THREE times the CHARM!

And now it starts ... exercising the leg .. and the body back to trying to get some re-conditioning happening ....

Thank you for your patience !!