Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Happy September first-stepping!!

Well phew .... have managed a whole long month with being the one legged wonder.

Exactly a month ago I was sitting in a hospital bed ... wishing away the long hours and long days ... and knowing that "things" would be so much better a month out ... and I will admit ... they really fucking are !!!!

All the things I currently do take about a gazillion extra steps, but I have come to the conclusion that I really am not going anywhere very fast anyways ... so the time that I eat up just "doing" things is really quite fine.

Am I frustrated .. hell ya ... Am I still wishing away the hours ... a little less of a hell ya .... Am I now looking forward to things that I can begin to do again ... HELL YA !!!

ONE doesn't know how far they have fallen until it becomes that moment when you look up from your pit of hell ... and surrender.... but not the surrender in giving up, however it's the surrender that this is finally the ground breaking moment when you find that little tiny etch in the wall, and KNOW that you can find your way back. It's knowing, REALLY knowing that there is light, and life OUT THERE ... and trusting that inch by inch, ONE can find there way back.

What I have been through, is completely "over-come-able" ... in the true sense of Deanna'isms this journey has been a dastardly ride in the rollercoaster of hell. For the most part, it is indescribable the horrific pain I have lived with and walked with. I can't even register now ... a SINGLE month out .. how I fucking lived like that. And yet BEFORE, every fucking day ... I would get up, get washed, fix my hair, brush my teeth, get dressed, get that lipstick on, and face the fucking day ... and cheesus ... this went on for months upon months. BECAUSE ... I knew that somehow ... this was "over-come-able".

So while I malingered in that pit of hell, I still had an amazingly wonderful supportive network of friends and family and people that surrounded me, and insulated me from that pit of hell ...and you know .. they kept me. There is no other word to truly describe it ... They helped to keep my resilience to the evils that although I was sitting in a pit ... I didn't seem touched by it ... and I wasn't going to let that pit of hell keep me locked into isolation and darkness. I wasn't going to be tricked that even though this was my lonely walk, I wasn't alone.

And now ... a whole month later ...I still can't go up and down stairs, I am isolated from the rest of the world because of my inability for accessibility .... and do I care .. HELL NO ... because my first steps a whole long one month ago were now the first steps away from my pit ....

Yes, September first .. The previous month was a whole lot of firsts ... and am finally feeling free to enjoy this next month of firsts.

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