Seriously AUGUST !!!

Good Morning to the people of the Internet lands that fill my blogger feed with great stories and good laughs.

You have missed me, I can tell.

I can officially say .. I have been busy. Busy walking about, or bumbling along, given the time of day or the amount of flower watering I have managed through out the day.

Life is cruising along a predicted and steady path. I am gaining strength and speed, and losing gadgets along the way. I am "sort-of" down to using a cane, rather than a walker to motor about. That's a crazy amount of confidence to trust that your brain can think and react on two different playing fields. ALL.THE.TIME.

That's an accomplishment.

I have been able to "kind-of" adapt to walking and maneuvering on the lawn. Wow, what a treat ... Sort of .. Basically it means that I can get to my flower beds, but given the time of day, I can't do it when I am bordering on exhaustion .. It is VERY VERY hard ... Attending to two completely separate tasks, and doing them to completion is monumental!

Currently around these parts the heat has been hitting us a little on the hard side .. So I have to go it slow ... The leg doesn't exactly like being cooped up in a liner that does not permit any type of breathing space ... And embarking on any type of endurance or exercise or even movement (see above paragraph!) sparks a flurry of perspiration ... So pretty much all my movement is slowed considerably.

The other night I was out walking around the block with the four wheeled walker, a cane, and walking poles .. The husband says to me .. "Uhm .. If you didn't have so many gadgets with you, you might be able to walk a little faster .. !" ... I was trying out all the walking apparatus to see what was the easiest method of movement. I am still as slow as a snail. The Lego Man said to me that I was working at a disadvantage. Perhaps. My brain sees this as a huge advantage .. From here, it can only get better.

So my "government issued leg" will be slowly replaced by the $14,000.00 leg, if the insurance companies agree to it. I hope they do. It will improve my mobility & extend my ability to conquer lifes agenda ... Although I will not be able to get a hidden compartment for lipstick, or a USB port, or even Bluetooth ... But, it will give me the ability to freely move about ... With greater ease.

I went to the gym the other day to ride the upright bike at the community Center. They only had one upright bike. I didn't want to ride a recumbent ... The gym attendant helped me get on the bike, and even strapped my foot to the peddle, so it would stay on. I did mention that I would need help to get the foot un strapped, since I couldn't even reach it. No problem she said. After 15 minutes of riding, I saw her pluck upon a cupboard, reach for her purse, and yell over to some gym folks .. Alright people, I'm leaving, she said. WTF. There I was ...stuck to the upright bike with my right leg ...  The first and last time I go to the community Center gym.

I spent July 31st having an awesome day ... as much as I tried not to think of the monumental time that had passed since last year, the same day I had the leg departed ... I spent THIS July 31st with two of the boys friends, and the boy, and the girl in the back yard ... It was simply an awesome day ... One that makes me feel just so thankful that I am alive, and over the hurdles of the past four years. Big deal, at this time, I am currently learning how to walk, and virtually re-do life ... But THIS I can do !!

TODAY I am debating what is on my agenda ... So far I have missed walking at the tack, it is too hot to go now .. I want to garden, but that will lead to a hot and unhappy leg ... And yet .. I wish to NOT be stuck inside ... Which is why I do not wish to keep painting my picture that sits at the other end of this table .. So something of greatness will have to come my way .. I am thinking I am going to go for a car ride to the Americas .. I am going to bring my camera and take pictures .. I think that is what I am going to do ..

Off to find my passport .. Later my favourites !!!!

Treadmill trekking!!!

Today !!! I walked on a treadmill .... The first time in over 4 years that I walked at a pace that didn't involve a limp, or in agonizing pain.

Yes, and in the process the treadmill said I burned 9 calories ... NINE WHOLE CALORIES!!!

The physio claims that I burned a whole lot more ... She said that people that are working harder at working burn more calories than the regular folk.

The best thing is I WALKED!!!! It was lovely and beautiful and simply enjoyable to keep plodding in a forward direction ...

The nice thing is she recognized that I was able to walk faster, and with a longer stride, and when that happened ... The walking became much more patterned and second natured ... But then the treadmill can have that effect on someone ...

So today I trekked on the treadmill, but in my mind, I might as well have finished a marathon!

Seriously for REAL !

I have a leg home with me ... All weekend long .. I have a leg ... !!!

Yes, the dream of dreams has finally happened .. And I was able to bring my leg home on Friday, with the strict instructions I could wear it off and on for 3-4 times a day, a half hour at a time.

Friday I gardened (well, I chopped fallen branches, does that account for "gardening!"). I did eventually put the leg on, and bumbled about .. Me and my walker ..

Yesterday, I visited the sister, and her newly acquired "golden retriever" = "heart melter" for hours, which to me there was no purpose in wearing the leg, since it involved, on and off, and moving and stepping, and a whole lot of thinking about how to get the leg inside as it was pouring. Eventually upon my return, I had to do dishes, and then wash my hair, so I donned the leg for all that great excitement .. And then we went out, so that was it for yesterday.

Today ... Being just nine a.m. I am yet to put it on, and "I believe" the weather gods have cleared the schedule of rain showers and an over abundance of clouds, so that it will clear up, and I can resume my yard duties ... So the leg will certainly not be in fair use at that point either.

And to think, ... The physio was terrified that I was going to overuse my leg.... Currently my activities consist of things that it is simply easier to move about legless.

Go figure.  

June filled days

Wow. What a year.

This time last year, all things bad were coming to a head. Well, the volcano had already started erupting a number of months prior, however; at this point last year the writing was already on the wall.

Cancer was busily trying to take me down ... And it became evident that the cure measures had turned drastic. The long days from June, all the way to the very end of July were excruciating. A year later, and I am happy to let that horrific memory fade into oblivion.

Fast forward to this week. I was "promised" I could bring my prosthetic home LAST week, like the week before last. That didn't happen. I was probably slightly disappointed ... Given what I had gone through I said to myself ... Good gawd ... Did I shed a tear when I had to have my leg amputated ... Uhm no ... I certainly wasn't going to shed a tear when I couldn't have a leg when it was "slightly" promised to me ... And even at that ... I wasn't really allowed to do more than simply wear it while "sitting" ... So I wasn't that far ahead.

So this week coming up .. June 15th actually I think I am going to be "allowed" to have this leg "at home" with me ... So this is very exciting news .. Way more exciting than the abysmal news that I had  lived with this time last year.

Just to be clear ... Walking is hard .... It's very hard !! I am not complaining, nor whining, just an observation.

This leg continues to be a bit of a make work project ... I have a kneecap that is way out of kilter, I have to put on my leg that is not the normal way of putting it on, the muscles in the leg are developed in a different way than my left leg, numbness overcomes the leg when it stands in a dependent position, and the fact that it turns ice cold at the base of the leg. So, it has it's challenges, which makes the natural walking stride not so natural feeling. I think this is definitely all something that will definitely happen in time & familiarity, with more "wear" time.

In things full of comedy ... I got an X-ray yesterday .. Of this limb .. (To figure out what this leg is up to ... So the physio, Doc & LegoMan can sort things out ... They have determined they haven't ever encountered something like "this" leg, not sure how this is, but that's how it is) ... Anyways ... Because I actually "had" the leg on, the X-ray techs moved the wheelchair, and then the walker, and then said to me .. "Oh, just go over here" ... I had to say to them 3-4-5 separate times ... "So I know I have two legs  .. But I can't actually walk .. " Which is kinda funny to me .. Not sure how !

So happy to be here, on this June filled day. 

This guy ... Forever smiling .... He's just a character to the tenth degree !!

And this months love affair ... Brought to you by Rice Krispies, bananas, almond milk & chocolate syrup !!!

A reason to write:

I just got back from rehab a while ago.

How free, lovely and boring of me ... I drive over to rehab, pull on a leg, and walk back and forth on a long wooden board with handrails ...

HOW IS THAT for cool and boring!!?!

Last week I had a little breakdown into tears .. Taking those first steps after many LONG months of enduring the process of hopping, and before that, the exhaustingly horrific months of constant mind numbing pain and fear that this horrible cancer was searching out another hiding spot in my body.

TODAY ... I said to the physio lady ... This feels like I am walking in my running shoe, except it's my leg ...

HOW BEAUTIFUL is THAT????

I have been avoiding this little space .. So much has happened .. And I am free to be... And that I am. I can't believe that I haven't taken the time to capture the shear excitement of my first steps ... But then again ... It isn't so awesome, everybody walks - more or less ... I knew eventually this is the space I would find myself in ... Which I am HUGELY grateful for ...

Yesterday I grimaced .. And the  physio lady asked if I was in pain ... "No, not at all", I said ... " I am just trying to concentrate" .... The reason being ... I am visiting the rehab department .. Where the majority of the folks are recovering from Strokes, and at my time, I am the only one minus a limb. All I could think about was ... "Deanna, when is it going to be your chance to start back again ... " All I could think about were the possibilities that were within reach of my own personal successes, as long as I kept walking... I was grimacing as I continued to take my steps because I was telling myself to stay focused in the "here and now" ... Stop looking to the future ... It will happen, as it happens... But I am so happy and thankful and anxious to further my journey ... And my journey with belonging to the stroke community ... And I just want to be back, making a difference, if that is what I am doing when I am there ...

I did find a reason to come here today ... I always wonder about the difference that I might to people in the world, and I feel that it is never enough ... At least not right now ... So I found myself hunting about on Facebook as a lunchtime distraction ... And I found this guy:

https://colontosemicolon.com/

https://www.gofundme.com/canadianbucketlist


TALK about making a difference, talk about changing people's lives, talk about a purpose, talk about the evils and ravages that cancer has on individuals and their families ... THIS guys single idea will make such a difference to people in their journey's .... I very much feel it is a worthwhile cause ... I felt a little inspired to come here today and whisper a couple of humour words ... Thanks to this stranger.

Under 30 crowd

Yes peeps, this is the truth ... You are the crowd, and I am under the 30 day mark of NOT writing on this little whiteboard of mine.

Much has happened, as it was supposed to ...

I finally had a revision of my little more than half healed incision line. FINALLY.  NOW, it is just a bit of time before this leg heals up. FFS FINALLY. That's all I can say.

The BOY played with his band. I missed it. BUT I got to see it on video. Ever more better I say !!

GUESS WHO can finally drive their car?? BIG HINT: Not my daughter!

Yes folks, I finally was able to sit my crooked behind into the DRIVER'S seat of my car .. What an experience ... I drove down the street kinda squealing..... Sorta lots actually ... And I drove around and around and around ... In circles ... Like my crescent is .. Well, it's more the shape of a super long track ... But all the same .. There I drove ... Around and around. An hour later ... I drove the girl someplace... Of course!

Then, I got adventuresome .. And drove down to the bear location. And just sat, breathing the moment of almost accomplishment mixed with freedom ... Finally the moment had arrived where I was starting to get my life back ...

The very next day .. I went off to the gardening place .. And purchased flowers ... Little by little things are happening.

Then, the next day ... Larger adventures ... I drove to Harrsison Hot Springs. Myself and the girl. She made me do it ... That's when I realized ... This is good, I can drive ... MY left foot just over. The first day out I was in silence in the car .. The continuous .. "Gas left, Brake right" .. Playing through my brain .. Then the next day .. I used some quieter music .. And then the next day I had the girlie girl talking at me, and we were playing music ... Every once in a while.. I thought in my head .. "Gas left, brake right"....

Yesterday in all things grand .. I was wildly wild .. Just wild ... About being stifled for so freaking long .. I was most upset with my back triangle yard ... Morning Glory has come in and taken over the last number of years, and I haven't been able to get a hold of it ... (Well, a hold of stemming it's tide of flourishing wreckidness !!) ... And I was tired of raking, fighting with my walker, and playing with the dog who insisted on dropping his toy in my way with every move ... And plunking out morning glory .. I just hate that shit .. Who invented SEEDS for it ... !!! ... So I eventually threw my walker ... Who knew that walkers could fly that far ... Sigh ... So then I sat there .. Thinking to myself .. SHIT ... Cheesus that walker went airborne .. How the fucking fruitballs did that happen ... ??? So eventually I sorta crab walked to fetch the freaking thing .. That is when the husband man saw me ... And helped me retrieve it .. Although I didn't ask him to .. Since the walker was "over there" because of me ... Good thing all things "dog" had been picked up .. And I had just raked the area free of debris AND I had gloves on ... There're are some good things to throwing your walker ... 

If I could only...

Make it to the fast lane I would.

Well, two weeks worth of waiting .. And this is what I have accomplished ...

After speaking with Road Safety BC I was informed that it would take an andditional FOUR months to process my application post driving assessment. Four FUCKING months, yes you read that right. After the first 4 1/2 FUCKING months it took for the bastards to "assess" the driver license status in the first place.

I received a letter on February 19th (that had been dated Feb 5), that stated that they had funded me for a driving assessment, as long as it was completed 60 days within the original date of the letter.  Cool, thank you VERY MUCH, that's only $1200.00 dollars saved! ... But of course ....  Kabang, the little tiny problem of the little tiny wound ... That needed a VAC. The VAC was on and off again in 5 days, which helped the hurry up and heal already by months upon months. After it had been removed, I called the driving assessment location, and arranged for the first available appointment ... March 16th ... Phew ... Under the 60 day mark, however 6 weeks past the original letter dated Feb 5.

March 16th arrives with much fanfare and memories ... A massive windstorm, traffic delays, & power outages ... Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME  .... The OT indicated to me that she would send the assessment out the following week, on Monday orTuesday .. (My brain silently exploded as to WHY she couldn't just send it out the following day ... ), with people comes PAPERwork ...

I called the driving assessment place this past Friday. I was informed that the paperwork was not processed to Road Safety BC only this past week ... (A FULL week after what the OT had stated). Not a big deal right ...... You are so FUCKING wrong ... !!!! GET this ... It takes 7-10 working days for the assessments to even be processed as "received" ... Which means that they attach it to your file. That means exactly that ... They have only "received" it, not that they are processing it. So a week, delay is a really really really BIG deal ... As the applications are processed in the order to which they are received ... So delaying the "sending of the file" has a huge impact ... Especially being on the receiving end of all this.

Hence my gasping for breath on the phone the other day when I was now told it would be approximately four months before I could even see the light of the day with seeing my drivers license  amended.

Are you fucking fucking fucking fucking for real ??? I SCREAMED in my brain ... However; shockingly amazingly miraculously I remain composed and polite and widely kind after been on the receiving end of that blow. The person on the other end of the phone told me that I was the nicest person she had spoke to on the phone the whole day ... It was 3:25 in the afternoon ....

So on that end, it renewed my hatred for the human population behaving insanely cruel to people just trying to do their jobs, I have even a more impassioned hatred for the government and their underfunding of departments where people like me are caught up in a process of paperwork. HUGE HATRED !!!! But I guess you would not have gotten that from this "lightly" written assignment of formuated words ...

How does one recover from this .... YOU FUCKING REFRAME YOUR THINKING.

Currently I am missing my right leg .... IF I were to have waited until I got my "right" leg back to drive with ... Well, then I am still many months away from "walking" on this new leg, let alone driving with it ... And THAT'S how you reframe a MAJOR time shift .... I will drive once my new leg is restored, it is now just THAT simple.

That's the MANTRA ..... If I could only .... Make it to the fast lane ... I would simply say it faster !

In other things .....the game changer might have occurred ... That master musician son of mine might have probably made the best move of his life ... Booked a flight to Toronto ... Playing at Canada Music Week, quit his job .. 

Undertakings 101

And here we have it... Some stuff, or undertakings as you will:

The face clothes in my home keep disappearing ... I haven't quite figured out to what level of hell they find themselves in ... But alas I have taken it upon myself to recreate what I have, and yet has gone missing. Currently am in love with the cast on stitch, as it will match the cast off stitch ... My little complaint about knitting ... Thank you Pinterest for all your smartness !!

This is the gazillion worth of hours of 'the tam' that I built for my mom. It was a delightful weight upon her head ... Just enough to cover her hair, and yet not too heavy to proclaim ... "Bad hair day, look out!" I am most pleased with how it turned out ... I will be re-doing this pattern in turquoise .. For ME ! I was quite fortunate to have a season of house of cards to watch while knitting ... I'm hoping I could get so lucky on my next attempt!

In other things ... In larger under takings that might lead me to moving more than all the sitting that is happening from the above .... I saw the surgeon. I will hope that all her prodding the leg will not incense the living shit out of it .. As that happened to me in January ... The Rehab Doc upset the little wound and it lead to a breakdown in it's happy state ... Which has set me back to this ... So now, after the surgeon has touched it .. I will HOPE that the little tiny spot has had time to KNIT itself back together, and will not mind all the pushing and shoving that she instilled upon it yesterday. It has TWO weeks to sort itself out. I think it will ... It has to, otherwise the alternative is going to set me back months, on top of the months that this has set me back .. Except .. Who's counting ... ??

The boy in the non-band MIGHT have something in the works ... A trip back to Toronto. On an airplane... Hopefully THIS might lead them SOMEWHERE.

Now, onto MORE undertakings ... 

Settling the dust plumes

A number of days later, and I have re-appeared.

One would have thought that my return to driving seems to have unsettled the whole freaking universe. There were definite signs that "Mother Nature" was trying to one up me, this past Thursday. She and her universe of parading elements of weather forces did an excellent job of trying to keep me from my 0900 appointment.

Fortunately for the wonderful insight, and the middle aged mind & lack of sleep induced friend she left her home VERY EARLY in the morning to ensure that my arrival time for my "assessment" would not be interrupted by Mother Nature. And it wasn't.

The assessment itself wasn't very taxing, with of course the exception that I forgot that one needs draw lines from smaller numbers to larger numbers, to connect the dots. I won't go into detail, but the impact of the insult into how mortally wounded I felt in one short minute is rather life impacting. One that sorts through moments of their life, and resorts, and resorts again for  good measure doesn't do well with this kind of information rattling on and on and on in their brain. .... THIS person had to say enough ... It was a less than a MINUTE in my life ... I need to stop thinking about this. And done.

In other things that have been interesting .. For a number of months I have ALSO been rattling through my brain ... Gas LEFT, brake RIGHT ... NON STOP. (This is where the O.C.D. Thing does come in handy !) ... And visualizing moving my foot from the gas on the LEFT, to brake on the RIGHT.

I got to drive a little car ... And drive I did !! I was a very smooth operator! After not driving for close to a year ... I managed to what I thought was absolutely reasonable..... I never slammed the brakes or mixed up my peddles ... I just cruised about .. And eventually made my way to way busier streets, and was able to drive the two folks in the car back to the business park. I did stop half way, and the O.T. Said that at that point it was generally determined whether one was fit to drive, and it was up to me if I wished to drive back to the business park. I gave it a moment's thought actually. Had I had enough for the day? Would stopping the driving at that point give the O.T. Reason to conclude that I didn't have the confidence to drive, or would this show that I was over confident in my thinking, and willing to take risks that I otherwise shouldn't. One does not know what an assessor is going to interpret. I chose to carry on, as I sort of considered this the moment of sliding off a horse ... It was important to get back up on this horse, and just continue on riding ... My ability to be successful was not hindered by the "opposite" way of thinking, or the fact that I was in a smaller car, driving in an unfamiliar location, or taking direction and instruction from somebody else, or the fact that someone was in the back watching every move I made, good or bad .. Like stopping over the the stop line, a beautiful habit of 34 years of driving  ! I was able to curb that .. But probably not quickly enough.

Previously ... I was fortunate when I sat behind the little "make shift" driving apparatus ... tears welled up into my eyes .. And just said "this has just taken so long" .. I can't believe today has finally arrived, and I am here ... It is true, the time had whittled away into months upon months, and process after process, and hoops after hoops .. And amidst the momentary burst of tears that trickled from my eyes, I apologized saying that I wasn't sure if it would happen in the office, or in the car .. but at any rate ... They are really tears of rejoicing that I although I am still down a leg, I am making steps forward ..  And there I sat on a wickedly blustery violent weather filled day, looking out a window, and sitting at a driving apparatus ... That was my moment looking out to the world, where freedom of confinement would be a thing of the past!

In things that were very great in my life that day ... I had my hilarious friend with me .... Where I can definitely thank "The Universe" for her and mine paths to cross ... Only 40 short years ago. OMFG .. Holy shit .. !!!! How the dust flies ... And just when I got the plumes settled ! 

Duo Lingo

Well ... I am still waiting, with lots of GREAT things to attend to while waiting for a leg to be delivered!

So living out here ... Way on the WEST COAST ... I will admittedly say that OUR official second language is not so prevalent in our day to day life.

Growing up, going to school, being introduced to a second language all the way into the fourth grade was completely a foreign and almost un fathomable way of thinking ... All.those.years.ago.

Unfortunately, while growing up in our families home, a second language was not considered to be an asset, or a way as bettering ourselves, it was (I would think now actually) looked upon as a threat. My parents (from what I can conjure up as a memory), viewed this as something that was being crammed down our throats, rather than looked upon as an opportunity to help in putting our best foot forward. Perhaps it was a political stance that was taken, or "their" view that "the frenchies" were taking over... I an not sure of their reasoning, but all the same. I will attest that I MISSED OUT.

I remember a time when my sister approached my parents when she was in Grade 9, and ASKED for PERMISSION to be a part of the French Immersion program at our Junior High School. This was a big deal... And I remember feeling so proud of my sister for being so brave, and setting the bar higher for herself, not only for improving her knowledge, but standing up to my parents for her own sake of learning. In the end, I know my Dad was quite proud that she became bilingual.

I have a fellow that I know that speaks six PLUS languages, and another speaks three. WHEN, WHERE & HOW do you acquire this amount of learning ... Well .. It comes from being exposed to it I guess ...

Well ... And there you have it ... I was busily knitting the other day ... As I have been for months .. And I asked  myself .. "Why not me?" ... Out of the blue ... This question popped up .. And who really knows WHY the question arose ... However I interpreted it as "Why can't I learn to speak another language?" ...

Fortunately .. In this VAST day of knowledge at your fingertips ... I immediately turned to the APP store and downloaded something called "Duo Lingo" ... And I have been learning French ever since! That said ... There will NOT be a day SOON where I will be speaking French out and about and in the open ... BUT I have opened the door to opportunity!!

I think I might love that ... Now, if only I can get George Clooney to speak to me ... But he would have to do in Italian I'm thinking .. And THAT is a whole other lesson my friends ... 

Knitting in the round.

This has more than one meaning ... When you are busily knitting back together a leg .. It's round, and the cells are doing their knitting ... Along with me ... I am currently knitting a "tam" .. It's a lovely coloured tam ... And I just keep knitting and knitting with 2.5 mm needles ... That is quite the small scale of knitting I will admit!

So I am not sure what the situation with this non broke, but broken in a way knitting mishap I have going on in the leg. It is genuinely doing it's thing ... And taking it's freaking time . I guess it's just really pissed that it is being forced back together .. Without it's consent. Little does the very tiny wound know that I consented to this a great while ago, and it's time for it to get itself on board the healing train, and heal ... Like NOW.

I have some "prisma" set inside the edge, which has been there for a week for or two .. And it's still hissy fitting it's way to the bitter end ... I will rephrase that thought ... "BETTER end" ... I was sincerely hoping that in less than a week this would be gone, and I am of course hopeful that it will be. For "holy-don't-feel-like-swearing-this-second-sake" ....

In other things for real:

Still TWO days away from the driving thing. Holy SHIT .. Could time stand still any quicker?  Even after I complete that assessment .. I will be waiting for information to exchange hands ... And THAT somedays takes forever !!!!!

I have decided to let my book go that I was reading .. Sorry Alexander McCall Smtih ... Not excited about your Bertie book this time around, I think it would be OK, I am just not that deeply committed to trying to like a book any longer ... There are just so many to read anyways .. I will stick with the REALLY good ones! ... However ... I do love the "#1 Ladies Detective Agency books" ... Now those are the cutest things going!

Oh, and beetled off to Tim Horton's today ... I caught up with the man that makes changes ... He was looking at a door .. I pointed out the task of maneuvering through the parking lot being a  "disabled person" ... And  asked him if he could change the configuration of the cement barricades for disabled people ... He said they never considered the issues  ... Until I pointed it out to him ...

In the meantime ... This wild woman will remain at her post ... Knitting in the round ... Or however that is going down today in these parts!

LOOK. AT. THESE!!!!!!

So, in adventures that would be considered HOARDING ... (Or not!), I have purchased these OLD & yet  elegant spoons from Europe. How exciting for me .. I'm onto some hopefully greater adventures in the old spoon resurrecting department.

I know, all of YOU, my ever so faithful readers are now immensely jealous. How could you not be? Who wouldn't want 16 collector spoons .. ? Pinterest here I come!! (I ALREADY have something in mind! .. So even though I can not get out to  purchase my wares of whimsy ... I am somehow bringing them to me anyways!!

Hop to it I say ...

Hello and welcome to the most grandiose blog on the internets. Apart from the beautiful colours, pretty fonts &swirls, plus an outdated photo ... Things here are pretty much the "how to" of creating excitement in a life that very much qualifies for the hands down title of  "The Life of a Duldrum Addict".

For real.

Did I mention I planted some primulas? I did. That was spectacular!!! I might have mentioned that too, apologies. Did I also mention that in an effort to plant them, there was teamwork involved. That is where the husbandman came in. He drove me to the garden center, carried the dirt, and the plants to the car and from the car,  and found the pots, and got a tarp, and put everything on the back of the girlie girls car, and poured the dirt, and stood there ... While I took the primilas out of their containers, and put dirt around them. Whala! I planted something! But here's the big kicker folks ... I smelled dirt, and got to feel plant life beneath my fingertips, I got to make the decision as to "yes, let's just put these in this pot" ... And then watched as he set them on the front steps. I might have mentioned all this ... So sad you are doing a read over ... However .. I am still thrilled at the gift of time and experience of doing such a simple endeavour with the kind hearted husbandman. And THAT is the feeling that I am stuck on. Plus, the primulas are pretty.

In other things ...

The task of the impossible "driving" is still on the scale of over the top ridiculous .. And numerous times a day I am hearing myself talking away in my head ... This is the process, this is the process, this is the process, this is the process ... All the while I just keep seeing the sands of time attached to little pieces of helium, and rather than falling gently on top of one another .. They just sort of sit in the hourglass and gently hover about, never really reaching their destination.  If one has ever wanted to time travel so freaking badly in their life, it would be right about now.

NEXT week ... NEXT Monday ... I will go back and see the orthopedic surgeon ... A make work project, yet again. IT will be THIS moment in time, when my time traveling will have finally paid off, as it will be THIS moment when the road to freedom will happen! AT least one can assume this .. Which I willy nilly am going to stick to.

In other things that impact this life:

Growth.

There's an ebb and flow to parenthood I would surmise. You watch, and nurture, and mentor, and navigate, and guide. Then there's the fleeting moments of all this natural back and forth when one needs to leap .. And whether it's taking that leap of faith, or leaping onto unsteady ground, the leap has to take place, amidst the ebb and flow, in order to move on. Leaping is hard, probably not as hard as hopping, but leaping is knowing that there might be that soft landing, or a sense of balance once you have worked up the courage to leap. Both of these children are at the ebb and flow stage that leaping might be the best things for them, in their personal growth. I can see it, however; as all these parental duties are configuring around them ... How do I encourage that LEAP, without encouraging that leap ... Is it TIME.  Time and growth, growth and time. I will have to see which one plays out. They are both so ready.

Let's just hop to it ...

LEAPING into spring!!

Well ... Here we have a day that is just a mere four years around the corner from the LAST 29th.

Time flies, sort of.

I know that four years ago I was apparently on a journey into hell, of which .. Well how would I know .. Who signs up for that stuff !! Of course there is the mistake of going through "It's a Small World" at DisneyLand .... But THOSE people did that to themselves!!! Getting on that boat and all .. And floating about for an extra ordinate amount of time. Yes, it's a small world ... And Mr Disney seemed to figure it out way before the Internet did ! Wow! What a smarty pants !

So the non band boy's new single came out. Again, can't help but love it. Why is the Canadian Music Industry just so darn feeble ... ? All of those young fellows have heaps among heaps of marketable talent ... Huge heaps .... And waiting ... For their turn to share their passion. And it's wonderful.

https://open.spotify.com/track/7oMztQ1sOK7L0ge69nY5c2

If all of my awesome, loyal and amazing reader fans that I have could share this to 549 of their closest friends, perhaps we could find somebody to market these awesome guys!!

In other leaps of faith:

My knitting ability ....TY Pinterest for the reminder ..  I am going to have to ramp up the current work schematic and get a project done. AND, thank you again Bob Ross, you have instilled my passion to put paint to canvas. I can do this ... I just have to go get my paints, and canvas ... It's in the other room !

SO ... I did manage to almost get a new body part last week ... An IMPLANT .. Of the TOOTH variety !!! Well, like everything ... I will get "it" someday ... Just not TODAY! However ... The first part is done ... Now the waiting .. And then in four months a sparkly new molar that will be able to live in my mouth forever!! It is most exciting to really be working at getting myself put back together! Oh such little things are making me HUGELY happy!

And in other assorted tidbits:

I went grocery shopping yesterday ... It's always all good .. Till I get to the other end of the store ... And there is no place to "take a break" .. Unless I hop my way back to the other end of the store ... And find a seat ... The ONE saving grace is the fact that "at the other end of the store" is the freezer section .. So I can linger much longer, and be quite happy that even though the body has heated up considerably because of the "workout" world I had just entered .. There is a sit tight spot until the King husbandman has returned with the cart of groceries.

All good fun ... In the missing leg department.

Happy LEAP day to those that do leap about, because it is leap year!

TOMORROW: It's spring ! (According to the calendar of "DeannaLand")

Amputee Advice Case file # 865

Today in amputee life of major proportions of frustration:

It seems that driving is a task beyond the horizon. Just a process of hurdles and hurdles. I would like it better if the process would just simply work. But it doesn't. I can't get someone to sign a form, with them not seeing me. It's a pain the ass. They don't need to see me. They fill in answers on a form, and then they sign it. What I want is some ink from their pen. I am not actually going to see my GP anyways ... I get to see a complete stranger, and she gets to sign off on me. How nice. A make work project.

Of course then there is the process of getting a bone scan. Of course the surgeons office secretary would have to fax a piece of paper from her office, to the hospital to get the bone scan scheduled. I have waited a week to hear from "someone", OF COURSE relying on the process that this would be the case .. .that the system would work. But it doesn't. Nobody knows that I am needing a bone scan. So I called the surgeons office back, to talk to an answering machine, and hope that the secretary did in fact fax the info. Most annoying ... After a week worth of waiting.

The LARGER process here is ... That I require somebody to DRIVE me .... See paragraph ONE.

Feel my frustration. Now times that by 1942. That is how I'm feeling right about now.

In things that are not so useless feeling ... I started a new wash clothe pattern ... It seems adequate .... So that is a good thing. Oh, and I am getting my hair coloured Wednesday ... To give it that boring brown but slightly natural but not natural look back!!

And in things that are causing confusion:

The band wants the boy to come back. Of course they do. They have good feelings that things are going to happen. Of course they do. Are they going to happen ... ? Right ... I seemed to have lost my crystal ball ... And just at a crucial time in life ... Again!  

Moments of what ifs:

There generally comes a day when life slows down to the grinding halt of nothingness. Absolute nothingness. Any reasonable human can seriously ask the question .. You can't be for real?

And yet, I am.

Seven months of hopping around, it begins to take it's toll.

Not in a way that brings about sadness, or in a way of regret, but one of "let's go already."

I have come up upon challenges that are not challenges, but are in fact speed bumps presenting as hurdles. My mindset is still focused on that I can definitely overcome these speed bumps, I just have to stop envisioning them as hurdles.

My hip is tired. Very tired. I begin any task of the day, and I am sorta just worn out faster because this leg is tired of working for two. I have to remind it to be kind to me, and hang on, it won't be long now before it gets to share the work. I have to remember to be gentle to it as well. Which in actuality means that all the tasks that I do, I must simplify, and ease this legs burden.
I need my G.P. To sign a form, which she is impossible to get into.
I have to ensure any appointment I try to make with the G.P. That I actually have a way of getting to the location to see her.
I am anxious to have this V.A.C. Removed to begin my world of rehab. A place where my lovely runner sits quietly on a shelf, waiting for it to begin it's adventures with it's twin! I am certain how I can hear it bellowing .. "Hurry the FRUITBALLS UP you moron!!"
Now I have to go for a Bone Scan, which in my opinion is a waste of time. But that's what I have to do.
I have to start doing my exercises again, which will happen tomorrow, once I get this V.A.C. Off.
I am dealing with the guilt of not exercising this leg, which for me everyday not exercising it, has huge implications when I return to walking in the next number of weeks.
Now I will have to deal with learning to drive with my left foot. I am going to genuinely assume that this will just become habit, and my love to drive will be free to me once again.

This isn't really a list of horrible items, but these are the things that are on my mind, constantly.

Getting my life back into functioning order. This is what I am waiting for. It's only been seven months as a one legged version, but it's been going on FOUR YEARS in the process.

In the life of a book lover from this week:

Excellent ... Loved it .. From start to finish ... Actually inspiring ... Life is not a race (not that I am currently entered in one) ,,, but a long journey ... This lead me to believe that all things are just simply out there ... If you reach for them ... Or walk .. Or go on a pilgrimage ... Whatever the words of the day you choose!

Very nice book ... Different from his others ... 

Good Wine text post - post meditation.

This is when things go wrong ...

I attempted meditation, which I am very much a believer in.

First time around wasn't so successful ... Albeit .. I am interested in it ... And appreciative of it, coming my way via the App Store. Thank you very much. ... For my much Apple-ness.

 Things that should be peaceful, mindful, gentle and rejuvenating, and this is how I end up ... With the thought process below. .... Ok seriously ... You have to wonder how my friends really do see me ...

And off I texted this:

Happy wine drinking day ... Will you ... Or won't you drink wine today, and more importantly .. Drink a good bottle of wine ... ?  I don't even know if you will get this message ... And THIS concerns me ... What happens if you don't find out it's international wine drinking day ...? You know ... I don't think it should be today ... This great even should happen in the summer time ... It seems way better of an idea around it .. Or wait .. They should combine the family day holiday with the international wine drinking day ... Now that would make for a great long weekend experience. I was just doing some meditation ... Can you tell ... I don't think it went well ... I got to the point in the audio where the guy is saying ... "Feel you hand tingling" ...well my right hand totally tingles .. All the time ... Non stop ... That would be from nerve damage from my hopping like a crazed person .. Anyways .. I am sitting here with my eyes closed .. Feeling the tingling ... And waiting .. For my next instruction .. So finally I open my eyes .. And realize the audio had stopped ... How convenient ... At least he had it right with the tingling hand. GAWD .... OK .. I might Have to  copy and paste this ... in the meantime ... Make time for wine!

It's good to be me. Other's might not be so brave.

Amputee Advice take 495

Well here we are ... Almost 7 months after this leg is chopped off ... And I now have a little VAC attached to me. This is good. We are on the upswing. We have caught this rather minute little wound making attempts to heal up, and disappear into the land of mysteries.

I would enjoy some rationalization as to why this has taken exactly this long ... Not the VAC, but the process. I want some reasoning behind the purpose as to why this has played out for as long as it has. There has to be a reason why things have just taken this long. AND I am not talking about the human biological process ... In the world according to the universe, there is a larger reason as to howcome this process has continued for so long.

Except I am not partial to that answer.

Is it self-discovery, or one of saving myself, a lesson learned in patience, or the universe just messing with me that I wasn't to be free in this world sporting a way more functional leg, and independent of all things that regular joes can do?

Again, these questions remained unanswered.

I just wrote to a friend ... And thought I would make the timely purchase of the Dr Suess Classic .. "Oh the places you will go" ... Because NOW, today, with this LAST LEG of the race so close .. I feel I have finally reached the finish line, and can embark on my untimely pilgrimage ..... I am ready.... Except I just need a couple centimetres of tissue growth to fill the gap .. Then I am ready.

In other things ...

So the antibiotics almost finished me off. Holy smokes ... They were a bad scene ... Although NOW that I am finished them after a quick four day course, as opposed to the original 14 days I was going to have to suffer from ... They are done, and I hope they remain done.

I did some invigorating chair yoga today ... I think over time I will get better at it ... Currently I just start to laugh. I am not sure why ... I just start laughing ... I think it's the NON quietness of my brain that starts talking to me, not allowing myself to find that claiming spirit or whatever it is. But, I think it's there .. Again ... More time to digest finding the strength to be still and quiet ... When all I think about is being up and at it, and movable and functional. At this moment in time, I come from a place of stillness and quiet ... And when it's "time" to be still and quiet I am having a hard time. Oh well, my very kind of insightful physio said this isn't a race. Which was a really good thing to say ... For me.

Well, the driving situation is about to become real ... Just a number hoops to jump before I begin that process, and then I will be good to go ... Functional driving assessments, people deciding whether you are capable, a doctors visit, money to change hands, then back to other people as to whether or not I can drive, then a phone call to the gadget guy .. And then I don't know .. Driving lessons, and then a road test ... It just goes on and on ... I wish now I would never had said anything ... And carried on like before ... Nobody would be the wiser ...

BUT for now ... Me and this little V.A.C. Will bubble about the home for the next number of days.

Hi lights from the hopper

I should rename this blog ... "Life of a Hopper", Hopper Chronicals, The no bunny tailed rabbit, hopping along the path of life, when only hopping happens, long time hopper - just me and the walker, one-legged hopping machine, the hoop jumper, My Leg on the Shelf of LIfe, I can see it, but can't touch it.

There; an array of details and events of how I feel about this hopping garbage.

THIS is the size of what is stopping from wearing my leg that sits on the shelf in the rehab department.

3cm x .5 x 1cm deep.

THAT'S IT.

Hurry the fuck up already ..... This is BORING to the power of ten.... And then some.

I very nicely had my lovely friend drive me today .... She is just so very real and delightful ... We can whine about the same things with our little family units ... And then although we come up with no solutions to help them (IT COULD NEVER BE US !!!!!! Right !!!?), we feel better nattering about the goings on in the mundaneness of life events.

So the wound care nurse came ... And while I am pretty close to being fed up ... I'm not completely fed up, although she said the words "fed up" ... However  I'm not ... I'm getting sorta at the end of the rope, because of course spring is approaching .. And I need a leg to do the gardening details ... If March comes, and then goes, and I do not have a leg by then .... Well ... This chickalit could be a little on the wild side of typical.

In the meantime .... The BC Transportation Safety Board has FINALLY processed my application. It only took 4 months ... But somehow they have managed. Now I can move forward in the "getting back to driving" department .... Now that's a piece of excitement to be excited for.

So now ... I will await a VAC ... And hopefully this whole MRSA thing will just melt away ... I think I need someone on the ball with this one ....

Such hi lights for this hopper ... Let's hope NEXT month when bunnyrabbits become real ... That I will hop out the other side .... And off I will WALK along that bunny trail.aasics, ampute

Take that nasty bug, take that.

Back to the rehab place I went yesterday .... I waved at my leg ... HI LEG!!! You will wait for me won't you .... !?!?!?

The only thing I got to do was see a Dr. He gave me a prescription for some bug drugs. (I am completely done eating little bug drugs ... I thought I was going to get out of this wound with it unscathed, and just the process that was taking too long). A referral to infectious disease, just to merely nod their head and say "yessiree, that's all you need" and the agreement that a plastic surgeon needs to sew this dastardly spot back up. Please and thank you.

Simple. Not.

If the orthopedic Doctor  could fitness her skills for but a moment ...Maybe she would be so inclined to sew this back up again ... Again; simple. Not.

What a whirlwind of micro steps forward, and a huge leap sideways ... THERE will be a moment in time, that will be happening sooner than later, that will help me regain the momentum of forward motion only ... I know it exists ... Like aliens & ghosts!

In other things that keep me amused hour by hour .... I have a big ball of yarn to knit wash clothes now ... So it's The Office & knitting that goes on around these parts .. And mad dashes of reading ...

I will get there. It's just not today. 

Seriously ..... This is the ridiculous ....?

So the girl didn't pass her driving test. Shit. Now I can't ask her to drive me on Monday! OK ... Moving on to someone else then ...

Alright ... In things that are continued to be messed up:

There's a hole in the leg because somehow a staph infection & MRSA has invaded my space.

How did this happen ... ? All I know is that there wasn't an ounce of anything in it, as reported by a swab way back on January 5th, 2016. And now there is.

All the internet searching the Google-de-ness of the lands can not seem to find a good enough answer for me. I want to know if this MRSA is a skin & soft tissue, or a deeper wound ... Because it isn't just sitting on the top of my skin ... The wound has traveled down to be about a good centimetre plus in depth ... Will oral bug drugs be enough ... Cause I have an end of a tibia & fibula sitting there .... We're is that MRSA & staph finding themselves ... ?

So I think I have had enough of the stupidity ... Thanks a lot, and a bunch, and then some ... Just give me my not so fancy leg, let me stand, then walk, and move on ... K thx & bye.

As the cords gets tangled.

Earlier today I decided that I wished to fish my garden lady out from behind the washer and dryer. She had been sitting on the window ledge, and when the cleaning lady was dusting, she dusted her straight to the ground. So one of my tin garden girls has sat behind the machines, until today.

Today it was operation rescue.

I figured it would be best to do this with a vacuum cleaner .... It made sense.

I asked the girl if she could kindly just grab me the vacuum cleaner, and drag it through the kitchen. I didn't ask her help in retrieving my garden girl. She decided that the vacuum would not work in retrieving the girl, and just sat in the kitchen at her computer, and carried on staring at her screen.

As I was struggling with cords that were tangled, and brooms that had fallen I asked her how in good conscience could she actually "just sit there" and watch me struggle, and not offer to do as I had simply asked, just get the vacuum out, but NOT DO ANYTHING WITH IT.

These are the moments when living on this one leg, and having a human in the home that refuses to do anything that I ask, really does make me fucking mental. I mean fucking mental to the point of I just wish she would politely find a new home to live in, where she can happily just sit around her home, and let it fill up with trash, and mess, and perhaps then she might realize ... HOLY FREAKING shit she is a slob when she wishes to be.....so.fucking.frustrating.

I did ask if she wished to hop around with my walker for a while to do some things, and see if she enjoyed it ... Or if she could even manage for 20 minutes washing her hair, organizing "stuff" that just needs to be picked up, or put away ... She declined.  Odd. Won't use the walker to see how it feels to manage to do things, and yet, can't give a shit to help do a task that I actually didn't want her to do .. Just needed help getting the vacuum out. NOPE.

Well, Karma will bite her in the ass, it really will. Where she is kind to so many people, on all levels, she fails miserably for the ONE person that actually is willing to give her the moon. Oh well, there will certainly come a time in her life when she will require help, and I will simply say. No, you can do it yourself.

Nasty of me ... Very .... But I think this will be a case of what comes around goes around.

There's a hole in my socket dear Liza dear Liza

Two weeks ago I had a hole in what should be my incision line smaller than a pencil tip. Today it's 2cm long by about 1.5 cm deep. I now have 6 days worth of waiting to see the orthopedic surgeon. She will look at it, look at me, and smile and say .. You need a plastic surgeon, not an orthopedic person, but thanks for coming in today.

I have been asking since September, then October, then November, and onto December at my monthly follow ups ... Should I be seeing a surgeon/somebody about this .. ?  In January,  the rehab doc decided that he wanted to see me, and then was surprised that it wasn't healed. I am surprised at all of these people being surprised by me ... They are ALL very young ... Very very young, very new to their practicing .. And then along comes healthy wild woman, with a very silent autoimmune disorder, which NONE of them have taken into consideration ... And they are SURPRISED by me ...

This game is getting boring. Completely boring.

The bigger part of the game is the fact that I need a plastic surgeon. One lady doc flat out refused. The other guy, who had seen me in the past, first said 3-4 months, then reneged and then refused to see me as well. Nice. Asshole. I asked him at some point way way long into the end of 2014 when all this cancer business was coming about, was he prepared to deal with a "scleroderma" type of  person, he nodded his head yes. Well, I have news for him, he should have shook his head NO, he was not prepared to deal with the oddball situation such as me. Things just go sideways. That's how it works, and I am not sure why.

In the meantime, I have a largER hole in my leg, it needs some "surgical intervention" otherwise this is going to months upon months of healing time. I'm done healing. I need to start walking.

In the meantime:

THESE things have happened:

The boy has nicely agreed to play a show with his band.
The girl is going for her drivers test this week. She also is starting a night school course. (Read BUSIER!!!!)
I have read two books: The Owl that Called my Name AND The Untimely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry. BOTH were excellent books! AND I have decided to return to my book club at the library ... And I have taken up a new pattern in wash clothe making. PLUS I have another two books on the go, and have another 2 knitting projects milling about.
Not a lot .. But enough that keeps me wild and crazy while locked up in this house.

Amputee Advice

Come and get it.

So I made someone cry today.

That's the biOTCH in me.

Or is it?

INCORRECT folks ... It was the full fledged KINDNESS that SOMEDAYS flows from my fingertips, that made this person cry.

They were commenting about being a fresh amputee, and I offered up some fresh amputee advice. Oddly enough, at this time ... I qualify!

What was the advice...?

It really wasn't all that amazing ... But amazing enough to help the person that needed it. When I look to the silver linings as to HOW COME I AM STILL motoring along on a walker ... Perhaps it was to HELP this one human alone ... Had I not been still hopping along, then this one person that benefited from my experience would not have happened.

So for that .. I thank the universe!

Back to the advice .. And NOT something that even the best of the "therapists" can offer up .. Since the experience is not "first hand" ...

So basically the person fell, and he did not remember how. AND since FALLING is a huge fear among MOST that have two legs ... It gets a bit scarier when one has ONE leg, and is a number of feet above the ground!

So I said:

Visualize: organize your brain so that every step you take with your walker is planned out. See yourself moving from A to B, and the steps to take to get yourself to the bathroom and back, or in and out of the car, or to move through a parking lot. If a curb is impeding the forward motion, then do not risk hopping over a barrier, but afford yourself the extra twenty steps. I would rather 20 extra steps of safety versus one bad decision that risks a fall.

Invest in yourself: Purhcase a pair of runners that will keep you stable. Wear them ALL THE TIME. No exceptions. Ever. Hopping is quite the work out. Keep the foot knees & hips happy at all times, your mileage will be A LOT further.

Put yourself on the clock: What I mean by this .. Is go to to the bathroom at regular intervals ...thus avoiding the need to "speed hop" to the bathroom, which increases the risk for falls. (BECAUSE remember ... Your brain is thinking BATHROOM, and not necessarily all the steps it will take to get there).

Be kind to yourself. Probably self explanatory, but then again not. It's not that I am saying .. "Ask everyone to do everything for me" ... It 's a case of letting go of the things that you have no control over. It's OK to let daily tasks go, more than likely "the next day" will be a better day to get small tasks accomplished.... Like the dishes! FOR EXAMPLE FOLKS: I had six towels leftover from the laundry that at first got dumped on the bed from the laundry, so I folded them, and returned them to the clothes basket. They were not in the correct location .. And every day it bothered me that I had not returned them to the bathroom .. So after three days of sitting there, (and a chance to visualize my steps to returning them to the bathroom all in one go) ..  I politely heaped them on to top of my walker .... And off I went. Task accomplished. That's what I mean about being kind ... Don't be hard on yourself with the tasks that were mindless trivial non events now come with a bit more thinking ... And that's ok ..

Reframe your thinking: Where you are today, will not be in the same place as tomorrow, next week, or six months from now. This is tough. It truly is, however when you are faced with adversity, you have to be as tough as what is being thrown at you. Take the time to acknowledge the frustration, and move on. HERE's and EXAMPLE FOLKS: So I CAN'T drive .. And basically it is boiling down to the governing body of the provincial government that is keeping me from this task. My first phone call was excruciating abysmal, I had been waiting months to hear from, only to find out that I wouldn't be hearing from them for months to come, many months. So I decided I had two choices, I could wallow in sadness, or madness (depending on the number of cups of coffee inhaled that morning!), or I could decide that this wasn't going to beat me down. My plan was, every week, on a Friday I was calling the transportation agency to talk to them, and ask them where I was in the piles of applications, and for the last three weeks I have gotten the same answer. Nowhere. HOWEVER ... That answer is easier to hear, when it comes at a slow steady beat .. BECAUSE eventually that will not be their answer ... And that is the moment that I am prepared for!

Recognize your fatigue: walking on a walker is like a work out that you weren't prepared for ... All the time! Chances are your energy will be better in the morning, so planning a big afternoon event if you have been busily doing things all day might not be the best of choices.

Realize this: despite the big adjustment ... Just know that whatever parts and pieces eventually come your way, will be WAY WAY better than the originals .. And again visualize how great it will be to move again!

Life is the experience of the moment. I challenge everyone to counter every negative experience with a positive experience. They are there, and only the universe truly understands why "perceived" roadblocks are put into our paths. Take the extra steps to carve out your happiness.

A word to the wise

Entitlement.

Some people are just that way inclined.

They should get exactly as they wish for ... Because it's their right.

Wrong.

I have bought driving lessons TWICE. The second time around came with the conversation that went along the lines of I didn't mind paying for some of the lessons, but not all of them, because I had already purchased them.... And the student refused to renew their "Learners" to ensure their continued driving experience. That didn't happen. Time passes. I get my leg chopped off. Now I am useless to take the person driving. Hence the 2nd time around driving lessons, of which now the person has a job of their own to pay for some of these lessons. It was this persons REFUSAL to renew their license AND their REFUSAL to drive a standard which halted everything.

I asked a number of weeks ago if I could get the Learner to drive me down the street to the dentist. I was refused. Completely flat out refused, forget it, the Learner wouldn't do it. I thought to myself, that is interesting ... The Learner seems to be able to drive all over the lower mainland, but can't drive me down the street, in a straight line for 5 minutes. At that time I hadn't taken any money for the lessons from the Learner, because after all cut the Learner slack ... For none other reasons, than to "let it go" ... Which I still thought ... I wasn't sure how much of the lessons I was going to ask the Learner to pay for ... But I should ask for something ...

Today ... I was excitedly asked to bring the Learner home a fantasmical sandwich since the Learner was able to do some new maneuvers in her driving lesson. As she embarked on her fantabulous sandwich I inquired as to the lessons. I was promptly told very quickly that I wasn't allowed to ask any questions, and how dare I inquire.

Right ... That sense of entitlement ... That I as a parent should provide for the child Learner ended. $550.00 was transferred like that out of her account. Now I don't give a shit ... If she doesn't pass, it's her money that's gone, not mine.

Just a word the wise, or on any other occasion the soft hearted. 

Today finally arrived.

This day took forever to get here.

I am fascinated that TODAY ... Arrived on the same day that a loved one had passed. I can't help but think of the reason for that ... !! I think that spirit father of mine had something to do with it.

My mom was fascinated with the spirit church thingy-majig. One day I will take her.

SO ... Today ... TODAY I got to stand on my lovely fake leg. It was so lovely to stand on that leg. Unbelievable beautiful actually.

My best best moment was The Lego Man ... Just sitting back, and giving me that moment of standing on that leg ... Letting me feel intact and whole again,... Letting me feel BETTER than I felt in so many months that have turned into years ... He just backed up, and let me have that moment of feeling like the person I once was, before this "thing" took over.

For comfort and safety sake .. I wore my green comfy vest ... What an unbelievable high.

Prosthetics ... What a pretty cool profession ... I certainly couldn't do it ... But GLAD somebody can!

The Spirits that live among us

So yesterday I went off to Spirit Church ...  Or whatever it is called .... My friend put me onto this ...
My sister was intrigued so she joined me last night ... Well, I joined her.

Well, have to admit. Very cool. I went back in November, the lady was alright... I'm thinking ... I was "a little" moved .. But not much... Her stories were mere suggestions, although she did deliver messages to people that were still reeling at the loss of their loved one.

LAST night ... Was what I believe ... Truly remarkable ....

The spirit man identified a mother and two daughters that had lost the husband /father. The one daughter had dyed her hair ... And the spirit man said the father didn't like her hair being coloured ... Interesting ... She looked a natural blond to me ... BUT when I saw the girl from the front .. I could clearly see she was dark haired ... To some degree .... Interesting ... The spirit man was able to give them clear details about their loved one ... So that was interesting.

The Asian appearing woman with the deep voice (that visited the first time, last time), was back, in the same spot, with the same annoying voice, blubbering about her same sadness, and the spirit man TOLD her her husband wanted her to move on ... Hopefully she will take her late husbands advice. PLEASE.

The couple that lost their son in a car accident, NEED to take the sons spirits advice and MOVE ON ... He has asked them to get rid of  his ashes, as they are not him ... He is FINE .... And wishes for them to be happy ... As it very clearly appears they are not.

The spirit man found a spirit that had committed suicide, except it was an accident ... The spirit said he didn't know what happened to him ... He just fell asleep, and never woke up. FINALLY a woman came through and said she knew him ... The Spirit Man was insistent that the spirit was coming from their spot in the church, when the girl finally spoke up. Interesting.

The fellow was able to give us a name of a man, (James) he knew that 2 grandkids were named after this man, he was able to determine autism, and knew that one of them were "growing out of it" .... And YES, that is a possibility .... Or at least it becomes LESS pronounced as one of the kids has aged. He spoke of separation (the sisters husband away in India for a month), and odd things like, he apologized for "not being around much" ... The spirit man told us that he is around us much much more than before (something that I already knew, or had a feeling of actually!), and something to do with shots in the arm ... (Butterfly needles in my dads arm, as he died) ... What he DID not say ... Was Thank You to my sister ... Which clearly she was looking for.

And that was the night ... Interestingly comforting to think that yes, there are the Spirits that live among us.

Come here, sit down .... And ... WAIT.

OK... Really ... I would love to know the mind fuckers that have re-entered my life suddenly.

I say it happened suddenly ... Because it appears that is the case, when I wasn't actually paying attention.

MONTHS ago I tried getting my drivers license re-organized so I could drive with my left foot. The BC transportation safety board are working on applications ... From September 1st. I sent my application in .. In October ... Although I sent PART of the little bastard application in .. In September ... Meanwhile ... This BITCH has been immobilized by the 3.2 million drivers in British Columbia that someone has to deal with. Today ... I am starting to LOSE my patience at the stupidity. I knew this would happen. OMFG ... Just hurry up for craps sake .....

Then ... I called the Rehab's specialists office ... The very lovely secretary told me the wait to see the first plastic surgeon was 3 - 4 months ... I suggested it may not be best to wait for him .. Since he wasn't too much in a hurry to fix me when this WAS cancer.... Certainly NOW .. That it isn't ... He will be in that much LESS of a hurry! Moving onto the 2nd plastic surgeon now .... For the LOVE of GAWD ... Hurry this up.

Oh wait ... That's not going to happen on all accounts ... I am a NOBODY in this world of numbers, and face less names ....

Yes, too many cups of coffee ........!!!!!

Yoga-mat users anonymous.

Yesterday, well, last evening yesterday I used my yoga mat. To simply lay on. Is that being profoundly lazy or not? I did not have any real intentions to actually exercise the leg either. I happily layed there ... And watched "The Office" ... I didn't realize that it was truly a funny show ... OK WELL I knew it was a funny show ... Except I did not take the time to enjoy it ... Now I am ... Except for the small problem of me falling asleep on the yoga mat ... BUT only for a short time .... I didn't sleep for like 43 episodes or anything ... Despite me just documenting that I enjoyed the show .. I still fell asleep. Someone's not telling the truth I am thinking!

So I think I am still going to use the yoga mat today ... Because I actually quite like sitting on it ... Even though I am not so moveable while standing, I am very moveable when sitting!

In speaking/thinking of yoga mats ... The lovely physioga lady will be helping me out in the yoga department once the leg makes a re-appearance. We have determined that we will get some chair yoga going, and then once I can maneuver with the leg machine, we will transition to yoga-ing with the mat ... And me, STANDING .... Holy freazuker-luscious that should be mind bending awesome!

Must. Stop. There.

Can't get ahead of me, a LEG, and a Yoga mat!

Reprieve Day 2

Yesterday in DeannaLand was a little (a LOT) quiet ....

Although ... I wasn't entirely by myself ... I did have people come in and out of the house ! I just didn't enter or exit the home ... How BORING am I ... ?

Today ... I have even LESS on my plate! I have nobody popping in, or out ... Nor do I need to go somewhere!

Although the day is still quite young ... Being 0900 in the morning ... So ONE never knows where things could go from here!

In the meantime:

I made a dishcloth. Kind of a step down from my beautiful scarfs, or tams ... But with every step one takes, you get to learn something ... So I have managed to learn some new knitting techniques. Go Me. Perhaps I should find a knitting blog .. And see other peoples projects ... Or Icould just have a look at Ravelry or Pinterest ... For real.

My sister in law and I had a fairly reasonable chuckle at "the black hole" of Pinterest. You start with your early morning cup of coffee & breakfast ... And some "light" interest looking ... Only to surface 5 hours later, 4 hours behind schedule of the day's events, stuck in your morning attire, teeth not brushed, and meeting somebody for lunch .... PLUS, the very sad fact ... WHO are these engineering wizards that come up with gazillions of brilliant ideas PLUS take pictures of them ..... Yes, I leave Pinterest feeling a deep well of sadness that there are real live actual people that are productive and talented humans .. And all I have done is slide my finger across a screen all morning ...  !

OK .... Not that I am ready to slice after looking through Pinterest .. Although the laughter element is true about the "time wasted" .. But NOT really wasted looking at things!

Back to my pathetic washcloth. It isn't truly that "pathetic" ... But it is NOT "perfecto" either ... I made a mistake in the first number of rows with my "counting" of stitches ... However, the washcloth recovered after the addition of the required 2 extra stitches that were missing from the previous section. I had to get serious with the question ... Will THIS affect the dishcloths performance .... ? Will the dishcloth be unable to wipe a counter, or clean the glass without leaving a smudge on it? What EXACTLY will happen if I do NOT perfect the dishcloth pattern .... Well for one thing ... It certainly isn't Pinterest worthy ... So maybe my brain might explode just knowing the imperfections of such a hideous entity. Or not. I have determined the cloth will be fine, as fine as it was sitting on the shelf, in a bin, waiting for a purpose. It's not like it's going to have to endure the land for misfit toys!

Well, Day 2 of this reprieving business, I wonder what I will accomplish !? I think I am going to have a date with Bob Ross. 

Today WAS the day!!!

So today was the day it all starts ....

I start with the construction of a LEG!!!

I'm gonna get a leg.

A leg up.
A leg apart.
A leg down.
A leg worth of race.
My leg of this race ... Has arrived!

It is finally here ... Today was the day ...

BUT ....  Here's the funny part ...

I am only getting a leg, cause this has taken so long .... Not really because it's a real leg that I will be boomeranging around with any day soon.

It's a leg to appease my brain actually. A little snippet of reality of what is supposed to be really happening .... However ... It's not a real leg that can be justifiable HERE IT IS.

It doesn't make sense does it .... But that is the reality ... I am getting a leg, so I can just get going ... Get going on something .. And "on something" I will take.

So unbelievably excited .... FINALLY .... This woman is moving on! Just in time .. I got new runners too!

Breast Cancer worries BEHIND me.

That's a billboard worth yelling about!

Not only is it behind me, it is also behind two other very very important people in my life.

Thank you new age fancy technology for detecting things that otherwise with the old "film" way of doing things, would not have been picked up .. However with the NEW way ... The digital imaging picked things up .. And stupidly in my case ... The CT Scan showed something that they weren't even looking for.

So NOW .. After waiting two months for this day to come and go, this day has managed to do just that .. Come and go .... Unremarkable, and definitely forgettable ... So glad for this.

The people will not be as forgettable .. The lady ... Who had been sitting for an appointment .. For two hours ... The Asian couple, who were more worried about the radiation from the mammogram machine, rather than breast cancer itself ... Then finally .. The woman with seemingly beautiful dementia/Alzheimer's that didn't quite seem to know anything .. In particular .. And was highly confused by my wearing of the two gowns, and where to put her clothes ... What a gem .. If I had to have sat a MOMENT longer with this woman .. I was totally going to ask .. "Do you live on your own?" ... Because LORD knows how she remotely functions !

WE collected our land title registery on our house today. That was even more exciting. Or maybe not ... But it had the potential to be exciting ... Official land owners .... !

Alright ... More leg talk to come .. Will save that for another day .. Gotta keep something to write about here !!!! 

Well, next phase ..... Of this ....

So I worked on and off all day at my application .... My application for CPP Disability benefits.

I think I am seriously having a hard time with this.

I believe I am cured .... I am no longer disabled ... However, because of my cure ... I am without a leg. I am without a leg because of my original condition. My original condition lead me down the path of somehow requiring immunosuppressants, which I believe for the most part ended up with me having cancer. Kind of a lose lose situation.

Except now I am now on the new path of being free ... Except for the fairly large inconvenience of being legless .... And with an autoimmune disorder that burdens me ... Like currently ... It has taken close to 6 months to heal this leg .. 1/2 a freaking year .... I thought I would have been walking by now ... Or something close to that ...

At any rate ... My application is done ... My LTD company sent me the info as it is a requirement ... So .. I have done it ... As much as I have not wished to be on LTD, or receiving benefits of any sort ... Other than a good honest day's paycheque ... But that is for another day it seems.

Next phase ... Please hurry !!!!!!!!!!!

Raw carrots & soup

Interesting day.

I have quietly decided you can just never hand over peace to someone. Not possible. IMpossible. Hugely IMpossible.

My frenzied home bound energy can be a bit on the overwhelming side ... Especially if you are not up to snuff of being on the receiving of the whacky craziness.

I am tired of being locked here, away from people, unable to be free to do as I please, when ever I please, and MORE NOTABLY .. Obligated to be places, where otherwise I have to be away from the home, and out of touch.

In the thrill of never being good enough, the sister was most not pleased with my sudden silence on the texting machine. She fails to realize that I had nothing fucking to say. Not a word. I didn't talk to her, I didn't talk to my any other people, unless they talked to me ... I just haven't.

I gulped fresh air, sat on the porch, even in the pouring rain of winter, ... Just to keep my mind in a stream of moving forward. The sister told me she was pissed that I was silent. I am silent for many reasons.... I have texted before ... Many times, and things have been left, with no message returned. I haven't been bothered to challenge her on her response one time ... "Ah, I didn't feel like it" ... Thanks, good to know that I wasn't worthy.

At the end of the day her mammogram came back pretty much negative. She then said to me that I shouldn't be going to pieces because of her shit .... Uhmmmm .... Thanks, but please don't tell me how to feel, I am allowed to be concerned .... And quite frankly, being locked up in a house ... Unable to partake in the real world .. Sometimes you are left thinking about things a little too often ....

Jesus Fucking Christ .... I wasn't going to pieces ... However ... Knowing that I have another important person in my life walking the same path as her, and me left just waiting in limbo still ... Ya ... I am allowed to feel the way I feel. Fuck.

Oddly enough .. I have been silent ... However ... Probably way more silent because I actually have nothing of any value to contribute .... I am kinda wildly bored being locked in a home that I wish to be away from .... It's almost as though I am waiting for the lottery ticket to cash in .... I dare to dream of the possibilities of what is going to happen around the corner .... Once this leg get's returned to it's starting position!

No soup for you .. Or me....  Just a whole bowl of slop.

The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess ....