So here we are folks ... a number of hours later, about 43 coats of paint, and the beginnings of a new beginning. I need more colour and more brushes, and more canvas and pieces of inspiration, and this free flowing colour will learn to take hold. For now, this is a start, and as I become accustomed to let the paint just sit pretty .. so will my paintings. This has to start somewhere ... this being the first, is a good first. 

Happy September first-stepping!!

Well phew .... have managed a whole long month with being the one legged wonder.

Exactly a month ago I was sitting in a hospital bed ... wishing away the long hours and long days ... and knowing that "things" would be so much better a month out ... and I will admit ... they really fucking are !!!!

All the things I currently do take about a gazillion extra steps, but I have come to the conclusion that I really am not going anywhere very fast anyways ... so the time that I eat up just "doing" things is really quite fine.

Am I frustrated .. hell ya ... Am I still wishing away the hours ... a little less of a hell ya .... Am I now looking forward to things that I can begin to do again ... HELL YA !!!

ONE doesn't know how far they have fallen until it becomes that moment when you look up from your pit of hell ... and surrender.... but not the surrender in giving up, however it's the surrender that this is finally the ground breaking moment when you find that little tiny etch in the wall, and KNOW that you can find your way back. It's knowing, REALLY knowing that there is light, and life OUT THERE ... and trusting that inch by inch, ONE can find there way back.

What I have been through, is completely "over-come-able" ... in the true sense of Deanna'isms this journey has been a dastardly ride in the rollercoaster of hell. For the most part, it is indescribable the horrific pain I have lived with and walked with. I can't even register now ... a SINGLE month out .. how I fucking lived like that. And yet BEFORE, every fucking day ... I would get up, get washed, fix my hair, brush my teeth, get dressed, get that lipstick on, and face the fucking day ... and cheesus ... this went on for months upon months. BECAUSE ... I knew that somehow ... this was "over-come-able".

So while I malingered in that pit of hell, I still had an amazingly wonderful supportive network of friends and family and people that surrounded me, and insulated me from that pit of hell ...and you know .. they kept me. There is no other word to truly describe it ... They helped to keep my resilience to the evils that although I was sitting in a pit ... I didn't seem touched by it ... and I wasn't going to let that pit of hell keep me locked into isolation and darkness. I wasn't going to be tricked that even though this was my lonely walk, I wasn't alone.

And now ... a whole month later ...I still can't go up and down stairs, I am isolated from the rest of the world because of my inability for accessibility .... and do I care .. HELL NO ... because my first steps a whole long one month ago were now the first steps away from my pit ....

Yes, September first .. The previous month was a whole lot of firsts ... and am finally feeling free to enjoy this next month of firsts.

Welcome to Life Part III

So let's just do some damage control here:

January 6 - surgery & VAC, graft on little foot
March 16 - biopsy -all clear
March 31 - IV antibiotics & the thought that SOMETHING is NOT right.
April - WBC Scan, Bone Scan, MRI - hmmm - osteomyelitis
May 4 - Appt with Oncologist - he says "foot looks fine" - LATER that day appt with Inectious Disease- Foot DOESNT look fine
May 8- Back to Plastic Surgeon
May 16 - Biopsy Again
May 22 CT scan Abd - POSITIVE for enlarged lymph nodes groin
May 28 - IV Antibiotics D/C'd, Appt with Plastic Surgeon - POSITIVE for Re-current SCC
June 8 - Back to square one, might as well be January 6 all over again, plus a bone BX at surgery
June 18 - PET scan
June 22 - FNA lymph node groin
June 28 - appt with oncologist
July 13 - Excision lymph node groin
July 31 - Amputated the poor little foot, just below the knee.

WELCOME TO LIFE !!!!

THREE times the CHARM!

And now it starts ... exercising the leg .. and the body back to trying to get some re-conditioning happening ....

Thank you for your patience !!

Marjolins Ulcer VS Marian Keyes!

Which makes for light late night reading?

Clearly the first option will shock the living shit out of ones eye bulbs, and leave them reeling down even the flattest of driveway landscapes.

So don't go with option ONE, I'm telling you that right now.

Marian Keyes of course is the best choice award for late night LIGHT reading .... then there's the challenge  to actually open up the page where one left off ... to get that nice floaty feeling that goes with the as option two.

So life in the world where a little things like cancer and other related events impede your day ....

The surgeon is wondering if the pathology report was actually wrong ... for two reasons ....

The margins of ONE percent was actually more, and the LOCATION of the unclear margin was incorrect.

Nice.

How the hell does this shit happen ... Are we talking a life long gong show event that continues to take place ... 

If I go back in time ... and review some of the idiotic events that have occured, one would spin their heads, and chuckle and point and admit ... yup ... "Look .. it's gong show girl !" Well then let's just admit it ... trust me people, ... this gong show girl is a professional.

Things like having the good doctory people tell you to keep using the majorly potent steroid cream.

Then have another dermatologist tell me that why didn't I listen to the other two good doctorly people, and put the potent steroid cream around the edges of this LESION. In fact ... put the majorly potent steroid cream over the whole LESION. And while we are talking NON WOUNDS, but lesions ... it is only a lesion, and not a non healing wound, and get the dressing off it ... because it's not helping it. (So I guess it's OK to walk around with socks and runners continuously soaked with draining fluid ...?) That doctorly person failed to answer that question. 

So I followed that REALLY BAD ADVICE, and the foot (fake wound I guess) burned to freaking living hell for four days ... that I remember now actually .. but it burned on and on and on and on .... I eventually made it back to my GP where I had to dispell the hellish event of seeing that doctorly sort of person. His consult also reported that what I needed was physio. That's what I really needed, and I had been lax in realizing this myself. 

My question to the GP had been .. OK ... I could do physio, except ... this foot is burning, violent and I can barely walk ... but I could consider physio ... IN OTHER LIFETIME OF HELL. She suggested I wait a bit before I embarked on physio ... considering that in reality nobody could actually touch the foot or manipulate it in any way as it was ... so maybe it was best to wait. OK... great thanks.

In other related stupid story events ... I appreciate people's (we are talking doctorly people) good regard for me demanding urgent health care. It's the truth peoples ... gawd. Yes ... many of the doctors I saw told me that I needed to tell the doctorly types that what I needed was on an urgent basis. Uhmmmmmmm ... just a note here peeps .. from what I REALLY know to be true, and what actually WORKS .. is that if you doctorly peoples actually talk to one another ... there's these handy devices such as telephones, and even handier such incidentals as well (!) paid secretaries to do the dialing if the whole telephoning event is a difficult process. Yes, it was up to me to supposedly demand that I get the ball rolling QUICKLY.  

Right. That works ... in the HELL FREEZES OVER scenario.

However today ... in the gong show events of life .. when the sugeon stated that things were NOT as they should be ... he told me I needed a biopsy ... just so we are CLEAR ... I need a biopsy two months and five days after surgery that was supposed to fix this mess.  

OK.

So I won't sign up at the gym then ... it could be a waste of money at this point ... 

Interestingly enough ... I am listening to the boys band The Face.plants song called WHY. Except their song is supposed to be a fun pop love song ... which it is ... in my circumstance ... I ask myself the question .. "Please tell me why" .....which are their lyrics ... however it's suddenly suiting for my life question in this moment ... 

So in todays office conversation with the surgeon he gave me a date of April 10th for a biopsy. I hmmmed and hawed (FUCKING LIE! .. I didn't) ... actually I sighed and said .. well ... this is what I know, and from experience now in our new found relationship ... I know that one month from now, this foot will just be a lot worse ... the pain will intensify, and in reality things are just going to deteriorate. I asked him if he really thought this was potentially cancer crawling it's way back ... because I have been watching all other parts of this foot HEAL the last two months .. except this one part, which has actually gotten worse ... and he wonders the same thing ... my obvious observations was the pain portion .. I said .. well, things in the pain department are very much better, and yet .. there is a huge reservation as to WHY this is still very painful, when in reality it shouldn't be. In the end things changed quickly ... 

My appointment for the oncologist was bypassed.

I suggested that I continue antibiotics for another week because the massive stupid infection in my ankle probably hadn't cleared yet, which could be a HUGE contributing factor the pain problem.

I have a DATE with the surgeon this MONDAY morning, just past sunrise.

He is going to biopsy the freshly fixed problem, and THEN we are going to attempt to biopsy the ankle, which I don't think I am going to be able to do ... unless we have a five minute knock out sledge hammer approach to throwing a needle in an area of tissue that is already badly wounded.

Then ... as badly as he wished to NOT DO ... if the biopsy results come back as positive he has already said .. well, we fix and graft all the portions of the foot. The NEW spot, the SPOT of original ONE percentness, and then the ANKLE. 

And then to make matters even more interesting in a casual office visit ... he said that I should start to swirl around in the back of my head that if this continues to be way ... that I should start considering the potential for amputating.

Yes, swallow that with your handful of caramel popcorn.

I need a drinking problem.

And THIS is what the story of LIGHT reading about Marjolin's Ulcers are ... they COME BACK.

I will stick to my LATE night Marian Keyes LIGHT reading ... thanks.

Just past twelve ...

And what exactly have I done?

So I have realized that I have a lot of clothes in my closet neatly piled with nothing to do.

Other than make me fret about finding a single pair of pants ... which of course I couldn't find. Gawd damn it. Thats OK .. I only have ten days to figure out where I might have put them in my neatly folded stack of clothes that have nothing wrong with them .. and yet I don't wear.

Gotta admit ... the lovely physio girl is heading off to Portland .. but only for a single night .. not good in my books ... I need a Portland do-over. Hence my believing that her single day is just not adequate ... I want to go for a week ... and just chill ... except that I think I would have to go it alone .. the husbandman wouldn't be into wandering almost aimlessly about the crackerjack village for no real reasons ... he has no great understanding of the intense people watching that must take place ...

OK .. nope .. I think I want to get to the Oregon Coast more ... yes ! That's It! ... says Charlie Brown ... or Lucy ... but you get the connontation ... I wish to walk the sands of the Oregon Coast ... with my monopod. Perhaps the husband would do that with me ... or I could go it alone ... I think. The better part is we could bring the rascally BO BO meister ... he would make any little trip adventuresome.

So earlier we were talking about enjoying going out for dinner ... well .. I think I might .. if I had a husbandman who enjoyed going out for dinner ... except that since he is addicted to enjoying cooking, and the whole shopping portion of the cooking .. and the whole process ... he doesn't like going out for dinner ... because he quietly cesses out the cost comparison .. .and of course it is a KAJILLION times cheaper to create the exquisites in the homeland. All find and dandy ... but WHERE'S the adventure ? And the atmosphere ... and MOST importantly ... the PEOPLE !

Then there's the whole poler fleece addiction ... when one wishes to believe that polar fleece is all occasion wear ... then it's hard to go into finer establishments with the homeless looking person at your side. Gawd. I gotta get that shit right ! Wrong ... I will stick to eating my pineapple poles (that's what I call them) from Costco .. and my full on greek yogurt and hemp hearts .... cause living with me is just that simple.

OK ... back to the children that are not children in the sense that they are not under two feet high. So the boy was in an indescribable wickedly bad mood last eve .... so much so the signal of endearment was all but forgotten ... and no eye contact was made while he was sitting at his music making piano machine ... he even stealthily made it into his bedroom many hours later .. and not a single word was said to me ... OUCH. When these wildly talented musicians find themselves in a bad mood ... the world must be forced to dance upon eggshells. And be evermost diligent about that eggshell walk.

So the best thing to counteract the foulness of moods .. is still that awakening moments ... with happiness .. which included a chocolate chip muffin for the lad .... and of course for the beautiful young lady ... just past twelve ....

hummmmmmmmmm

Last week while I was twirling about in the bed because the little bitchfoot was exhausting my efforts at remaining asleep ... I came up with a plan ...

I had to figure out a way to set up shop with my camera, and use the remote button ... to get pictures of hummingbirds.

So amongst the sliding this way and that ... I managed to figure it out.

I did a little reading about the little fellas .. and so today ... I started my trap!

I bought some brightly coloured spring flowers, and then moved my hook allotted hummingbird gadget .. and I set to work cleaning up the feeders, and brewing up the mixture. All 10 seconds it took to make the swirling clear mixture!

So now ... the trap has been set ... however ... I am going to purchase more "hooks" & feeders for additonal hummers to find their way into the yard ... so it can be a festival of humming porportions!

Back to regular scheduled programming ...

Have yet to practice any of my exercises due to the continued wreck of a thigh muscle .. how hilarious (OK NOT) that I can't exercise lying down because I still managed to ruin a muscle.

I am not sure whether to cancel physio on Tuesday or not ... nahhhhh ... I won't ... it's better that I go ... I will hummmmm my way through things somehow!

Just dont mess my hair.

That is what I was thinking about this morning prior to me going to physio.

So here's my latest .....

Me doing CORE work .. and BREAKING a sweat.

Seriously folks, it's the truth.

I will say HAPPY sugarclumps over that one!!

How is that possible. Well it just is. Fuck. Take my word for it.

I pay a beautiful woman a lot of money, to make me sweat and almost fall off exercise balls!

That's OK .... I am feeling pretty trashed after being at her place for a single hour ... and I am not fucking kidding you bozo the clown eyebrow raisers! Gawd, or more like double gawd ...

I came home to sweepa the homestead since I didn't do it yesterday, so over night the regular two dog multiplying hair system that takes place while darkness penetrates the home ... it was more like a triple dog hair multiplying process ... and now today .. POST physio, and doing things like DEAD BUGS ... there is a whackadoodle amount of hair ... which I can barely sweepa....

OK and then in news that is even more horrifying ... the fixer upper massage therapist girl is busily going on spring break ... so I am out of commission from her as well ...

This is now life in the fast lane ... and more expressively ... every body has switched lanes ... so all I have to do is keep driving till these people come available to me again.

I am going to have to do something fascinating while on spring break ... except in my adult boring world there isn't much to break about .... maybe I will reminess over lasts year adventure ... New York !

In other things so muh less exciting:

I texted the girl yesterday ... "So I'm going to Costco ...." when I get the freakishly excited text back .. "NOT WITHOUT ME!!!!!". That's my girl ... always just so not excited about things.

Well ... it's best to venture on with the day ... although I am having a hard time standing ...  kind of funny actually ... I can barely stand cause I SAT and exercised for BARELY an hour!

And, my hair became messy. I rock the world.

ONe nut bar at a time

That is how one walks through life ....

I am the perfect speciman for a nutbar ... or at least presentation style resemblers such as that.

Which is fine .. especially when you leave the people guessing.

So in things that I have become addicted to:

Massage.

My head sings clearer already. Even if it is a nutbar approach to the head clearing station.

The lady at the desk laughed at me today when I walked in the place, and immediately touched their orchid. I was checking out the soil moisture. Mine has almost kicked the bucket, and I haven't bothered figuring out their life span. Sighhhhhhh. Then after I was done, I told her that I best be off to get some coffee. She again chuckled that this crazed vibrant person cruised through the door sans coffee.

The nice massage lady noticed that I was minus the polar fleece today ... I said I was braving it up a notch since it was going to be 14 degrees that perhaps the polar wasn't necessary, although a down vest truly the next best thing.

And now .. its spring break .. and people take time off and shit. How hugely annoying. I would recommend that NOBODY get sick during this time ... all the doctory types have left the villages and headed for the resorts a plenty ... so it's best to slice and dice yourself in a resort right now .. cause all the fixer upper types are at the ready, drink in one hand, and a numbing instrument in the other! Ha. not.

Fuu-waa.

That is the word I have been using. Alot. It demonstrates the level of pain that I am currently trekking around with. Sometimes I might even say extra bigly FWWWWA... with accent on the W.

I went to the Doctory Lady yesterday ... the poor ankle has some idiotic bug in it ... which is now just killing me off ... a lot.The bug drugs will kill it off ... and I will be back in business. THEN .... I will be off to join the gym ... cause I am nut-bar-ish like that.

Now I have embarked on something furtherly fun ... Im meeting my friend next week to discuss some paint splatter to happen ... on a canvas, or something ... and be all  juicy and creative .... and that's all the way into next week.

Maybe after I finish my book .... more laughter .... !!

What have we got today ...

The dentist called me yesterday.

He told me he missed me. Of course he does. I bring him good money! Then, because he missed me so much, he called me back. So it was established that The Sir's jeep fund should in reality be called replacing Deanna's teeth fund. I love expensive CT scan's they reveal so much ... as in I have enough bone to replace the teeth that are now barely hanging in there .... I am such a superstar!

Yesterday was the first day back at the Stroke Group. I was excited to be back, and yet highly reserved to think that I was going to be unhappy at the end of the day. Well, truth be told, I was happy.... the whole right side of my body wasn't.  So I told it to fuck off. That worked till later in the night when I was continuosly telling the body to fuck off, and it wasn't slicing the mustard.

So I got my hair coloured last week. It has taken on a bit of a red like appearance .. not really super red, but red enough indeed. AND, my bangs are still missing. The hairdresser lady has put the fear of gawd into me that I am not to go near my head of hair with a crappy pair of scissors and chop at my bangs. So far, so good. Yesterday I spent an undeterminate degree of time and equipment to recreate the freshly coiffed look and appeal that I left the hairdresser ladies home with. Despite magicals oils, big brushes, flat blow dryers and smoking hot straightening irons, I still wasn't able to achieve what the hairdresser lady was in a matter of moments, and a single blow dryer. It made me laugh. A lot. Yesterday .. and now today. The truth of the matter is ... I am home alone ... laughing by myself. We might have a situation here ...

I have a make believe list of the great details of what I wish to do today are ... and again ... I am troubled by which to go about my great imaginary list. I most definitely have a problem. Albeit a very manageable problem, but a problem all the same. I am perplexed by the very notion of what to do, and what not to do. Today the foot is kinda stinging like a vinegar bath, with an ache as big as frying pan thumped upon a log. Do I weather the feeling, and carry out my mundane tasks with some frivolity, or do I simply say ... ok .. fuck it, forget it ... just do nothing, and rest it. The conflict remains the regular source of confusion, ... as in "use it, or lose it" ...  Trying to regain some mobility and stamina for carrying out routines of the day ... however ... that inflicts a certain amount of trauma .. and I can't seem to balance out pain between perservence, vs extending the length of time this foot remains wounded.

Well .. I will move into my exercise room and unleash my fury on my exercise aparatus. Oh wait ... that is non existant. Although ... I did have the great revelation from the exercise rehab physio that I found how to tie my arm exercise pulley system to a door handle, without it smacking me in the face.

So as much as The Sir explained his huge dis-satisfaction with his lack of space for his jeep like repairs and the fact that he needed a garage built to sooth his car addicted soul ... I pointed out to him a couple small things ... that which I did not have, or which my inner artistic soul has not been  tapped into, nor replensihed in a very great number of years ... the fact that I once was a painter, and I used to draw, as well, I used to sew, and then along came scrapbooking, which as nice as that is, is far too big (the end product being the albums), for this tiny house (we do not even have a bookshelf - apart from my closet!), and the new onset task of enjoying to knit (despite what my facebook posts depict), as well as a scaled down version of scrapbooking, but card making .. I enjoy that as well, along with taking photographs..... which in all it's smallness still takes up space. So while the Sir complains about lacking of his great passions ... I pointed out that all my great passions were neatly (and haphazardly) tucked away in closets awaiting their turn for a revival.

No Sir, you are not alone in your wants.

And that's what we have for today!

Matrimony 101

So I think the secret to successful marriage some days is just go and do what you please, whenever you please.

Since there are no real rules in life in regards to making relationships work .. other than being kind, and responsible, and treating each other wish respect ..... there are other times that one sees fit in just moving on.

I live one way, he lives another.

That is what I have determined.

Where I would actually derive the pleasure of his company, it seems that his agenda is full of his agenda, and there isn't any bending it.

Alright fine. I'm good with that.

So I went out the other night ... it was supposed to be WITH him, but given that he had forgotten, he wasn't prepared, hadn't taken the dog for a walk, needed to shower, was sitting on the couch after an exhausting week at work, the whole while dealing with a cold .... it might be forgivable that he didn't want to go out. Once you add up that scenario .. who would.

So I spelled it out to him that it was quite fine that he didn't want to go ... or that ... he did want to go, but later ... way later ... after he had done all his things. So we are not in sync with one another more than anything ... by the time he was ready to go, was the exact same time that I was prepared to come home.

It's that simple, we have two completely different clocks, and learning (and relearning) to make them work .. is work.

I wonder .... does anybody make it out of  the Matrimony 101 stage of wedded bliss?  

This book, that you CAN'T see!

We are talkin some serious ......

fruit salad !!

First off:



I read this book ... OK .. uhm. Wow. Yikes. Scaryville.



I probably would not do the best for a book review person. Since this is not something that I wish to read about on a regular basis ... I found it excruciatingly good, and yet awful at the same time. I can't stand reading books where woman are hurt or beaten or abused, even if it was the truth ... I do not wish to read about it.

Although ... in other things that are on the upswing:

Lot's of stuff !!

I got the girl her driving lessons! CRAZYVILLE yes, I know.

I managed to book a massage therapy appointment, even if it may not be with a person that I wish to stay with for a while, it's a first step in moving forward. Again, CRAZYVILLE, I have never been to a massage therapist before. I am looking for a specific type of one ... so who knows ....

I managed to make it through a quick trip to Costco yesterday. EXCITING TIMES FOLKS. One would think slugging it through the place is a work of pure chore-dom, and while it is/was ... it was HUGE in my world. Of course without fail ... the cashiers had to pause to count their freaking cash. OF COURSE ... as my minutes were dwindling standing on my foot by the second ... people that were 4 people deep cruised past me in the other line ups. I FUCKING HATE Costco for that reason. I guess I would be far more tolerant if this DOUBLE BEE-otch was a little more patient .. no wait .. make that COMFORTABLE while STANDING.

All the same ... I went someplace today that was ever so brave and again ... CRAZYVILLE. I went to a fitness center. YES. I. DID. I even went inside, and made them show me around ... I even touched a piece of equipment. As in rested my finger on a piece of equipment. So here's the situation you see: it's difficult when you live just 5 minutes away from your community recreation center ...  and yet, I find the price of attending the center EXPENSIVE. The gym/fitness center that I wish to attend is a 19 minute drive, past the mall (read TRAFFIC), and it just seems so FAR away, even though it isn't. It is WAY cheaper than trying to attend the local rec center .. and one can go as many times as you would like for FIFTEEN dollars a month. Seems worthwhile to me. My plan is to HIRE a personal trainer to START, and give me a work out plan .... and then meet up with this personal trainer down the road. I do not need an attendee by my side every time I wish to go ... I however wish for someone to give me a work out with the weights and such since my cardio time is limited due to the very reason I have to attend the gym in the first place. Treadmills, ellipticals, regular bikes, racing bikes are all out of the question for the time being, as are any types of classes where standing takes place, or where you have to work in a circuit. BUT .... in an effort to increase the metabolism I want to start doing some weight lifting ... so that will make a nice difference I am sure !!


I went to see the good Dr Rheumatologist the other day .... sigh. I knew he couldn't do anything for me ... but all I was there to see him for was advice. AND .. you can't call these speciality guys up and say ... "Hey Jim .... I have a question ..." so hence .... making an appointment .. and off one goes ... The question I was asking him about wasn't an easy one ... so again .. a bit difficult ...  So he says to me ... "OK wow ... so that was cancer ... wow ... " ... He claimed by the last time he had seen me that because the way it had failed numerous times to heal, that he finally had suspicions of cancer. Although he then said to me ... this is the way vascular ulcers present themselves ... so not only he didn't detect it, nor did the 5 other dermatologists, which he found incredible ... and yet claimed at how difficult this was to treat since the other people had no question marks swirling in their notes either that it was in a bad way. OK ... just for the record ... I could have SCREAMED to anyone and everyone I was in a bad way. He asked me where the graft was ... I told him the whole top portion of my foot.

So then I started thinking ... hmmmm ..... my GP said to me weeks ago that as GP's they don't see this in regular everyday practice ... and then the other day when the DR. Rheum said the same thing ... I thought NOR does he ... and then yesterday I had to buzz in for a prescription refill ... and the non GP woman that I have had to start seeing asked to see the foot, because she was the last to see it before the surgery ... so she to was fascinated ..... alrighty then .... the NICE NICE NICE part is .... this little graft is slowly disappearing into my tissues ... so how freaking ultra crazy cool is that .... this big huge oval looking entity is slowly melting away .. if that is such a thing.

It is a thing. And it is exciting. To be MOVING on. Sort of.

MY ankle has a big hole in it, or at least a hole that is now getting bigger. The Dr. Rheum suggested that perhaps we should start this biopsy business all over again.  Of course he asked why they didn't biopsy it at surgery. I asked him why did he ask me questions that make sense. It seemed obvious to me .. and yet ... it wasn't obvious to all those that do this sort of thing.

GAWD.

I managed to go over to the car wash today .... and wash up the car. Gotta laugh .... one can not just stand leaning on the car when the timer is ticking as the suds pass through the hose !! It was a bit of a chore ... but I struggled through it ! Again, I was very excited to move on doing boring daily chores!! 

OK .. so in SAD SAD SAD SAD news .... only a couple more episodes of my Mr. Patrick Jane. I so love his character that he portrays. One can not simply find that amount of humour, and that amount of drama. ... although I have to admit ... I have been fortunate in finding Columbo re-runs, which totally makes me laugh at the Patrick Jane similarity ... except ... sorry Peter, SIMON is HOT!

AND in news that I am excited for .. I bought a new blow dryer yesterday ... so I am hoping that my wild and crazy mop of straw disguised as hair will have some control back in it's form again ! 

So there it is .... not much going on with the crazy boy ... but rest assured he is crazy .... with his band, and his working, and his hair growing ... the same with the husband and his welder and his jeep rebuilding .. holy crab storms .. the furry boy is of course crazy ... and then so is crazy girl ... she is crazy too ... in a very cute and lovely way sort of crazy.... all this coming from QUEEN CRAZY ...  this is currently where I am in love with fruit salad. Every day. Good Gawd.

Frantically frantic.

I think.

I might be.

I am very much needing to make up for lost time.

I have lost a lot of time.

HUGE-a-MONGO amounts of time.

Unfathomable.

Like I have made my out of the longest Survivor maze ever. 

Forever present in the moment, and the beauty of the surroundings, but enveloped to the point of being strangled.

So now I am feeling frantic.

Edgy.

In need of ... something.

Like I need to get going, get moving, get living again.

Fortunately .. the weather is a bit nasty ... so that is keeping me locked up, and out of trouble.

Somewhat.

Plus, I just realized tonight that the boy had borrowed my camera .. a great long while ago, and even that isn't at my disposal. OUCH. 

I have taken up scrolling through Pinterest. Rhymes with interest, for great reason.

The passions of all the whackadoodle creativity is slowly coming alive, and I find myself longing for some magic to begin to unfold!!

But first I need a darning needle .. to finish the boys toque. MUST. FINISH. THE. TOQUE.

It's comedy actually that this project has been dithering about ... since November. All of the winter months .. where the boy essentially wears a toque everywhere he goes ... kind of like it's going to be the grand unveiling of his LONG hair. Comedic. 

In things that are greatly comedic:

I had the great opportunity to witness the GIRLIE girl sit and teach herself a lovely STAY WITH ME song, and the boy toodle about on the ukulele. Talk about changing tides!

I fisnihed these two books ...

One was TOTALLY CUTE, and made me laugh, laugh and laugh. It was not a book that an adult would read, but rather a younger kid .. I DON'T CARE .... it was as cute as the sweetest kitten picture ever posted on Facebok could ever be ... 

The OTHER book was abysmall ... deeply disturbing in a horrid motherly way .... very well written, but just so sadly disturbing ... I should have really read what the title was telling me ... 

So now .. moving onto my next book .. in keeping with the bluster of activity in the news of late .. I have To Kill a Mockingbird in my grasp!!

AND then .. when I get bored .. its back to Pinterest I go to continue gathering great ideas for my gardening adventures !!

Silence amongst us.

The ever so beautiful and amazing young lady of a daughter had her wisdom removed from that beautiful head of hers on Friday. She is just such a rock star, in a huge amount of ways. In her delirious perfectly good but high state, she texted her friends afterwords. Stating she was fine, no big deal. What a girl of epic porportions .... calm and steady .... with a small sentiment that she was ever so slightly nervous, as she had right to be.

So now that she has had her teeth sent to wisdom heaven, she has had to be only slightly quieter this past weekend. That's alright she has all her gadget that she needs surrounding her ..which is perfect in keeping one silent. Well, that and pain drugs ... do the trick.

In feats that will leave the readership astounded into even more silence would be the fact that I was actually able to make some jello for her. Sounds incredulous .. .seriously .. a feat such as boiling water, and stirring a powdery substance. Surely to gawd I am exagerating ... NOPE. That is how far I have fallen my loyals readerships. One would begin to guess and assume that surely to good gawdliness that I tell the lies of highest of mountains ... but no, the sad quiet detail of my life ..... that I have spent living it from the bed to a chair, and if I were to be out, it was always on tortuous borrowed time. ....  However ...  gasps that will truly shock ... I, in the same kitchen experience was able to boil up some macaroni noodles, and grate cheese, and offer up that as an offering off a soft and yet filling dinner for her. In regular joe times ... who would even speak of such ridiculouness ... boiling water, dumping noodles, grating cheese, and presenting that is a feat the same as discovering North America porportions ... YUP. After that amount of insane standing, and manuevering the little foot/leg recovered .. a number of hours later ... the truly nice part of all of this jaw dropping silence .. is the mere fact I was actually able to do it, ... and clean up after .... something that has been so absent from my life, for so many months. Long months.

In other things of great silence ... there is still an err of unease that exists inside this body beyond the 1 percent of badlike things that still resemble the horrid cancer bullshit. I have a whole arm / underarm thing where the poor arms are just swollen feeling and hard. I used the similar describing words as a great sale going on at Target, where the doors are pulsating and bulging from the people pushing on them .. with every added desperate shopper the doors bulge a little more ... I'm not a Target fan .. but my friend is .. she appreciated my humour ... as her beloved Target is going to close down ... and I sorta laughed at that ! And that is still the silence that I am living with ... hoping that all will settle itself down without a devious undermining developing.

I went to see the very nice surgeon last week. He agreed in acknowledgement that I was not comfortable knowlingly letting 1 percent still remain, and hoping that the inflammation alone would kill things off, I said I wasn't comfortable waiting for that eventuality to unfold.. The sugeon nodded, and did agree .. then said he would send me to a radiation oncologist. OK .. well ... that's alright except the three options of which none I was content with have now become one. A surgeon that wishes to NOT do surgery. Interesting. From what I know .... is that surgeons LOVE to do surgery. That's why they are surgeons, they don't really want the messy life components .. they want to cut, chop and refurbish. Now he is handing me off ... to see if a little zap will do me .. even though the surgeon said that even a little zap will melt my newly acquired graft. As pure life comedy would have it ... the best looking part of the graft is where the itty bitty 1 percent remains.

In other things of silence is the Jimstonson. He's silent, but not. He came forward with the plans from the crazy band. Holy not-silenceville-whatsoever .... they will be gone for three weeks, of which they will be playing twice a day ... well rock and roll charlie .... that's a good thing. The Elton John influence has truly come to show in his playing ... I will never forget the night that him and I got to go ... I was in horrific pain ... but yet .... what an impact it had on him. A silent smile creeps across my face on that one!

So in keeping with enjoying my chickalots ... a lot ... I had kept some tissue paper hearts from the Micheal Buble concert that the girl and I went to ... we had an awesome time .. her and I .... what a moment in time ... so all these pink and red hearts floated from the ceiling at the end of the show .. I of course picked up a couple of them, and safely put them in my phone case ... and I enjoy knowing they are there, as they always remind me of what a great time the girl and I had enjoying that good fellow Micheal ... ! So the other day I had a great idea to clean out the tub ... and swoosh like no tomorrow my iphone fell in the tub ... phone ended up dead, the tissue hearts water logged and destroyed ... so what did I end up doing ... i ploughed my phone into a rice bag, and then in an attempt to revive the hearts, I dumped rice on them ... well bless my soul ... I have a phone revival as well as tissue heart retrieval ... how awesome is that !

And now ... with both the chick a lots home ... I will inquire as to what is maintaining their silence .. amongst us.

Pinch pinch - pinch an inch

As time and calories have built up, so have the inches. Not an uncommon entity when it comes to being unable to move much, if at all.

So I go to the surgeon today ..... I fail to ask a thousand and three questions, oh wait ... or really any questions at all.

You know .. the small details in life ...

When can I really start back at standing and walking again?

I can't wait for the pain to wear off, because that could be an eternity.

So, I'm using Bactigras, and from what I have learned from having a graft is that they start to dry out. OK, so when do I start moisturizing? ... not sure how you moisturize around weeping spots ... but that is saved for a day when prettier conversation prevails.

I didn't bother to ask about numbness, or the fact that there is complete numbness. That should maybe return in ..... how about never amount of time.

The real trickster portion of the day is the very fact that I can not walk on it with out a runner; however, I am supposed to leave it open to air, which is all fine except when I go to walk ... So I have to protect it ... while being in a shoe ... which means it's all wrapped up. It's a make work project really ... then when I am done ... I unwrap it again ... so gawd help me if all the gadgets of life are not at my disposal ...  or I forget to switch the load of laundry !

Now in the meantime ... I am looking at ways I can get back to doing something that has a little cardiovascular component, as well as a little bit of a stretching exercise ... to be moveable again .... I think there is an app for that !

In the meantime ... I am not seemingly dissatisfied with the inches that I can now pinches .... after the endless hours of non stop walking and running .... that's OK ... I will make it back .... 

I am graft worthy!!

The graft seems to be happy.  Look at me doing things right.

For a change.

Finally.

Except not completely.

There is no tissue left on one of the tendons. Tendons don't bond to grafts. Time will tell as to what it decides to do.

Then there is the little issue of ... somehow they managed to remove the whole 99% of this cancerous mess.

What about the remaining ONE PERCENT?

So ONE PERCENT of remaining cancer, is still cancer.

That's how that story goes.

The steps to what is next, is TIME.

TIME is what I need to be on my side before "they" proceed to removing the remaining ONE PERCENT.

This means that the Dr. is handing out options as to which the team of "people" whoever "they" are will make decisions as to which way to proceed ...whethers is another sugery, or whether they radiate the area. The surgeon said surgery would be tricky ... not sure how that is the case ... from what I see I have been through the biggest trickfest of my life. The next equally unfavoured option is to radiate the area ... to which the surgeon said it would melt away the prervious graft.

Yowsers. Grand options.

The hilarity of today was removing the staples. Ya, not recommended on skin that is super hard. I think I lost 15 pounds in sweat that poured from me as the staples were plucked out. So, for all you ninny cats out there ... staples are not THAT painful .... I have had to have them twice before ... and what do they feel like ... a little tug ... a swift little tug .. not so bad ... not so bad . when the skin actually gives way to the swift little tug .... but when the skin has no give, at all ... it's like pulling nails out of a piece of wood. THAT's the TRUTH you NINNY CATS!

But I'm alive. And I have a feeling I'm so not a NINNY CAT.


In things are way moe hilarious in this worldy life ....

SO we have the now LONG since graduated son ... coming up two years worthy of graduation from HIGH school .. and then we move on to the ever so beautifulest girlie girt in the world ... The Min Min!! Her graduation is slowly setting upon us .  So like the boy ... I also got a grad photo of them ... except not dressed in grad garb, but just a nice photo of their last year in high school ... the boy has a respectible 9x12 photo ... set in an 12 x 14 frame. It's all respectable and within not overly screaming in your face PHOTOGRAPHS ... and then along comes The Min Min ... somehow I managed to purchase a TRUE to LIFE 16 x 20 portrait of her ... HILARIOUS ... the bigger than life girlie girl happily smiling along side of the suave looking handsome gentlemen brother ... TOO FUNNY !!

Welcome to the scary world

So my job currently is just sitting here ... ever so still ... not moving this foot really one iota!!

I did some googled up reading on grafts ... and the one thing that I read about them .. is the fact that they are not supposed to move .. at all ... so being that this rather large graft is sitting on the top of my foot .. and I am still walking on this foot .. well, semi walking .. I am semi sorta scared crapless that this graft is not going to take .. and just peel off when I show up in the surgeons office on Tuesday. So I am doing almost everything in my power to keep this foot busily grafting until then.

I think tomorrow I MIGHT go sit in the livingroom ... for a bit ... I will see how my leg likes the semi elevation ... it might not .. and I will find myself just sitting atop this bed ... I am better off here anyways ... I have all my super gadgets and pieces of equipment .. and really .. at this time of year, the weather outdoors doesn't look so drastically different !

So yes ... scary google graft reading ... probably better that I did .. since I didn't really have any true discharge instructions .. other than the very basic .. "my job was to keep my foot up". Not much to go on, and really it's the implications of what happens if you don't do it according to plan ...

Go me ... 

Thank. Freaking. Gawd.

Another Friday ... but the first of the 2015 story.

Probably couldn't have lived another lifetime of the past number of weeks over again. Unbelievable!

Now ... 4 days post surgery ... although I can not walk on my foot ... I feel hugely better.

The Good Lord was working for me the other day when the surgeon refused to do the surgery after the pathologist didn't show up ... we needed a pathologist this day ... very much so ... so it has all ended favourably ... now will just wait the final pathology .. and then hope for the best that this beastly disease didn't migrate while everybody was busy holidaying and being jovial (I wasn't included in the jovial part!)

I will admit ... the time spent living for most of December was pretty despicable .. and the first couple of days into January was moving still in that direction .. but now ... I'm off and running!

OK NOT.

But,

NOW .. is when I get to start getting better.
NOW .. is when I get to start getting excited.
NOW ...is when I get to start planning for better things to happen.
NOW .. is when I get to feel that I am finally out of the woods.

This endless story has just gone on too long, It almost seems impossible to believe that this has been so long and drawn out .. to the point of stupid.

Well ... moving forward then ... I can focus on all the adventures that I can now take! So it's exciting to sit back and fathom the possibilities.

Finally.

Tired.

Yup, I'm tired.

I'm tired of waiting .... for the holidays to be over.

They haven't even started.

If the holidays were not just around the corner ... I would have been slated to be fixed a whole shit ton faster ... but we have to wait for the festive indulgent event to quiet itself, and for life to return to normal before my life can return to normal.

So yes ... I'm tired of waiting.

In the meantime ... I can move even less, stand even less, sit even less, have patience even less, be empathetic even less, be helpful even less. Not the ideal time of year to be this useless. OH wait ... I was this useless last year.

I am certain that NEXT year life will be different ... maybe a HOLIDAY away would be a perfect way to celebrate ! Ha ... that's wishful thinking .. the Sir would not leave his turkey cooking and pie building for a second longer .... !!

So for now ... I will carry on with being tired ... and being thankful that this cancer business will be fixed up in the very beginning of the new year ... it leaves lots of time for a new improved version of me now for the rest of the year ... 

Blessed Be Me - I say to Thee!!

So away I went to the lispful surgeon the other day.

I brought the sister with me ... because the last two times I had seen this fellow I wondered to myself if I just didn't follow along clearly enough ... and I was just a dog gone bone filled idiot ... and didn't get the info right.

Well ... it appears that the sister and I are both dog gone bone filled idiots ... because we left the surgeons office yesterday both rather semi confused.... but not really.

I have a list of circumstances that will change as the surgery unfolds ... all of which I know nothing of what will happen until I wake up .... go me!!

I have to say ... I am overjoyed to the ultimate - that this horrific business happening to my foot .. is just that ... only the skin ... not the bones, blood or lymph .... except that the lispful surgeon doesnt know to what extent the skin is involved ... so it's tricky ... but what isnt tricky is all the other stuff. That makes life so much easier. .... if not much more politer.

Yup ... feeling blessed to the max ... if shit had to happen ... then this is the type of shit that I am good with ....