Almost the end ... Near the end ... Happy for the end!

It couldn't be any truer !

This time last year I was quietly waiting for the end of the year, and hesitantly happy for the start of the new year ... Although apprehensive ... But all the same ... Ready to embark upon a year of recovery from a foot surgery.

Wow ... I got more than I bargained for ... An extended journey into hell, three surgeries, a bone infection, and a fourth surgery which resulted in my leg being amputee, my wound still not healing after five months, no chance for a leg until at least February, and a license not amended so I could gain back some independence and DRIVE myself places! And the uncertainties of a CT Scan that will not be resolved until the end of January. This year has been met with truly some challenges.

Even still, I am in a way better place than I was at this time last year ... Although I am still missing my body part, it will come to me, and I will be stronger!!

I am ever so happy to be ending off this year in some solitude that life will resume it's regular pace, and I will be pleased to help individuals as the need arises. Sounds odd, but those "go fund me" pages that request money for things ... To help people out ... They are a good thing ... So I have decided. Where currently I can not do errands for people, or offer up any type of hands on help, I can offer up the gift of money, in their times of need.

I so can't wait for the end of January to make it's appearance ... !!!! A leg, a tooth, and a left gas peddle adaptor are all on the horizon ... Now all I need is for that sunrise to make it's debut!! I will be so grateful for the end of this year's darkness ... It's almost the end!!!!

Ho Hum ... how is it I feel so glum?

Well .. I can tell you why ...

I am way more emotionally invested in this "band" than I wish acknowledge.

This is my boy, who at the end of Grade 9 was "given" a beautiful $3500.00 keyboard. This thing did NOT get wasted ... for a single second. What did get wasted was the time that he (including the band) spent playing at venues with perhaps a dozen people to watch them,  ... in awe of their raw talent ... which is something they did not lack in ... in any regard.

 I am so so so grateful that I took the time to go and see him play, and record these events, and throw them on YouTube; where for as long as YouTube will be around .. so will my boy and his fantasmical playing ability ... that never got to see the limelight as the other parts of his band over shadowed him.

So tonight ... he called a meeting ... and told the band members to be there ... even though they were all heading out for a party at six oh four records ... as he could not wait over their "christmas break" to let them know that he wished to step back.

The nicest part of my son is this .. while he completely wants to walk away (it has been six years), he still felt that he wanted to help them with shows around "here", or with recording backing tracks, and finding a "replacement" ... (which NOW he deeply understands how UNREPLACEABLE he is) ... sounds all big shotted and fancy-pants speaking about "my boy" like that ... but that is what it is ..

This has been two years in the making ... he has stayed for two additional years ... just to ensure that he was "certain" about his decision about removing himself from this band.

And now tonight ... it was important that he tell these really talented guys ... there are lots of talented guys ... there really is ... but finding them is a challenge ... and for MY BOY .. moving on to growing up is a bigger challenge when you have to give out these types of let downs ...

So back to me ... I am in tears .. perhaps just ALL OF LIFE catching up to me ... perhaps the knowing that he did what he could do, and this is the end of the road ... and yet I know that it is the end of the road in THIS REGARD, but a whole new road to be traveled on his own. But I am sad. I am just sad that while he didnt have big hopes and dreams (that this was his golden ticket) .. it just didn't work out for them ... I feel sad that I was never able to hand them over $50,000.00 and say "go make your recordings" ... and "let's find you guys a real agent" ... and so none of that happened ... so they didn't happen. I am sad for the music that is now left behind. I am sad that they will just drop him, and say .. ya, it's been nice.

When the boy gets home ... he may or may not tell us stories .... thus I wait .... so glumly ... 

The Band No MORE Boy

So ... all good things must come to an end. Sometimes.  I am feeling a bit apprehensive for the boy today .... as I have a feeling he is very much feeling that way himself. He has remained hidden inside the confines of his room ... just "chillin" I am guessing.

He has decided to end his good times with the band that he is in. Mind you .. in reality he really doesn't wish to quit. He wishes to NOT quit so much that it's eating him up inside. However; in an effort to grow and expand into his adulthood he needs to move on. He can't move on, while he is forced to remain at something where he ONCE loved, but somehow knows he just needs to go.

He spent a month back in September/October traveling and playing ... he decided that THIS was not the life for him ... He didn't like imposing on complete strangers couches, and the unknown of where he would shower at the start of the day, or for how long would he get to sleep before they had to pack up and leave to their next destination. So not what he wishes to do for the "rest" of his life.

My boy has simply said that his style of music has changed, he doesn't wish to be a "part of the background." Not that he is going to "go it alone" in his musical ways, although he very much is wishing to move on with his musical self.

I have always said ... and still say ... He is completely Elton John, but a 21st century Elton John. He isn't meant for background .... this guy has just got what it takes in the front of the show talent department ... and yet has the graces to not let it go to his head ...

So today I am feeling sad for him ... he wants to tell them tonight at band practice, and yet is not going to, as they have a show tomorrow night ... so he doesn't wish to wreck their HIGH.

Well, ... but moving forward .. it may open doors and opportunities for other engagements that he can participate in ... a young lady said to him last week that she could sit and listen to him for hours ... the nice part about that comment was the fact that she was a piano teacher herself, and had been playing for twenty years ... so a compliment to the boy himself as to the level of talent that he possesses.

Interesting though ... eventually things change ... as time moves on.

Here's hoping that

This week can be a whole lot better. Way better.

EVEN though last week was still really really good .... it was rough. To a degree.

So I have had to come to terms with this NO LEG thing until the middle of January. I just really wanted to get MOVING on. So fucking hard to move on, when you simply can't. So the part of the body that was trying to kill me is gone. Long gone, as in 4 1/2 months ago gone. Now the left over person is milling about ... unable to truly "get out there" because I am still missing a kinda sorta vital body part to keep me moving on. A wound that is barely anything ... as in .4 cm x 2 cm is left sitting on my wound edge. Just sitting. It's slowly filling it's way in ... and violently slowly at that.

So ya, no leg till January. Then things will roll.

I have this weirdo ottoback tube thing that I wear now, it's a liner betweent he prosthetic and the leg. I can wear it for about two days, during the day ... and then ... the leg goes violently itchy and blotchy red, and a little extreme on the ouchness of wearing this thing. I am unsure as to whether it is almost an allergic reaction, or it's part of getting used to the silicone. Very bizarre. I did not wear it on Friday, so I could get the leg to settle down. It did, and again I wore it for the two days, and tonight I had to get it off, as it was writhingly turning violent. Odd.

So my fingers are still partly numb, especially the right pinky & ring finger ... now it's seeping into my middle finger ... the left side is not as bad ... just a bit less. AGAIN .. I need to get off this walker mobile ... and life will settle back to boringness. As one can only hope.

And not to be outdone by the fingers ... the right shoulder is ever so slighty destroyed ... it hates me ... still. I thought it was settling down ... but the little bastard is still reminding me that it is every so deeply unhappy with it's efforts in all this walkerness.

Finally, I can say that the face is stopping all it's bullshit hand out pain overload .... It is still every present ... however much more duller than before ... so I am thankful for the itty bitty things that are filtering their way from my life.

And the last point of unstoppable stupidity is this mammogram I am waiting for. God fucking damn it. January better not be the month of my un-doing all over again ...when January 6th rolls around ... it will be a year of "when the big mess started" ... and I would like this next year to be Total Clean-up. Pure and simple.

Meanwhile .... it's me the yoga mat and the christmas tree !!

2016 is going to be the year of replacing lost body parts ... that's all I am looking forward to! Getting my leg ... getting a new tooth put back in my head ... seriously ... just give me a tooth and leg .. and life will be all sweet !!

Wow ,...

Guess what I found ....  MY CARD READER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It had been "missing" for quite some time ... SOME LOTS of time it seems. I was never able to upload photos of this beautiful bomb shell. However; now I have ... and thus ... Grad photos from MAY are in order. This day was brutally WARM ... little did we know, THAT this day, along with weeks upon weeks filled the calendar ... all the way up until October.  It was quite the weather spell we were under. 

So here is the beautiful babe ... and just like when she was just a wee babe .. this brother loved her to the moon and back ... just the same way he did when he got to meet her for the first time, and the same as this day, her graduation day!