HAPPY November 26th.

This time next month we will be stuffed to the brim with the christmas craziness, and winding down on the years events whilst sucking back baked left overs, and wine.  Or maybe that's just me.  It has been a great many months since I have visited this place, and as per usual, I can't seem to get into my blog. I can get into an old blog, one that doesn't really exist on line .. but it's there all the same. So now I have this weird editor gadgety device, and I get into my blog this way. Go me. Go figure! Since my time being here, I have started working again. Yes, true true true ... I am a worker bee once again. Sort of happy, but then not happy about it. That said .... I will preface ANYTHING I write with a "thankful statement" .. which I am thankful for my new little job. I really am. HOWEVER; it is a clerical position, which will lead to absolutely nowhere, and given that I work in a union environment, I am left to the disadvantage of not being able to make more money, until the employer with it's heels dug into the ground ascends to the unions threats and demands. That is usually how it goes. The other side of this is something on a more personal note, one that "eats" at me. One that I am too sensitive about, and shouldn't be. It's the stigma. The assumption that I am a nobody in this world that has never evolved herself enough to move beyond working as a clerk.  It's been an interesting adventure so far, the people that work in the office are lovely. All with their own missions, and work details. Then there's the outer perimeter of people that flounce through, and will not regard you with all their youth & assimilated importance. It's not really a big problem, as time will catch up with them as well, so it's best that I just sit back for that movie to unfold. Again, it's something that niggles away at you. So I just work away silently ... as the important ones attend to their meetings and bypass the lesser folks. I am totally grateful for the fellow I work with. He is hilarious and equally mindblowingly intelligent. My bet is he will run the hospital one day. His business practice and vision will improve our healthcare delivery at a phenomenal rate. Somebody give him the million bucks now. He's going to win at this.  In the meantime, I have learned a couple of things along the way. If I am at a stumbling black what do I do .. ? Well the answer that I have learned is "improve your position" ... so I have decided to do just that. In October I will embark in 8 months of courses, which will lead me away from my current position, to a better paying position, and one with the opportunity to grow. Because it's important to grow when one should otherwise be winding down from their working life, no?  But what about my painting ... couldn't I just paint my pictures, and sell my pieces at the local artisan market & craft fairs? Again, improving my position on that one, including improving my painting skills would be an asset. I have watched my friend leave her job in life, and become this makeshift artist, which she is .. sort of, but her creativity isn't going deep enough. One day she will look at her projects and think to herself .. WHAT THE FRUITBARS was I thinking ..  Not that her work isn't creative. My thing is .. her projects are not creative enough. What I am seeing from her artwork is quantity, not quality. So says me, the absolutely art critic if there ever was one. I am hoping once she slows down and really looks, she will see the same thing. What can one say .... but let her live the process.  My leg is pretty much hurting me badly today. I'm not even sure why. I made a pit stop at the drive thru earlier today, and bought a cup of tea, and soup, and ate it in my car, before I adventured to the next grocery store for shopping treasures ... typically I do not have to do that any longer, as the leg has much more stamina, but not today SATAN .. not today. I do not make a habit of taking off the liner this early into the day .. but I can't get it to settle down, so the best thing I can do, is remove the leg, and the liner, and just let it sit. Silly leg, does it not know how much it really impacts my life not being able to waltz around this earth doing as I please??? Earlier today, just as I was leaving the grocery store I saw a woman who for years I secretly admired who go go go attitude, she was always just busy doing things... I used to see her in a hair salon when I used to take my boy for haircuts ... and I saw her today ... she was sitting in a lightweight wheelchair, and I thought, oh maybe time has caught up with her, or she had broken her foot ... but no, her leg was missing. NOT THIS LITTLE BUSY BEE lady ... I felt so truly sad for her .. very truly sad. I hope she too regains her mobility, I value mine, despite my constant painful struggle. It's just an uphill climb ... all the time, but you get used to it.  Happy November 26. 

Don't fear folks ...

Everyday you wake up, behold there is something more to come.

Today I am reeling with the million dollar effect ...no, I do not "technically" have a million dollars in my pocket ... but I am feeling like it !

That's how quickly your life can change

THe return to work people are apprehensively waiting for the shoe to drop, so far this is all about the stars aligning ...and they have aligned just right for me.

Wow.

When you are smacked in the face with more odd reality.

I got a phone call this time last month, from the case manager handling my disability claim.

She said as of August 31st I was no longer disabled. I was very pleased to hear that. I can't wait for the 31st to roll around, and for me to pop out of bed, jump up, and carry on like I did over 5 years ago.

Oh wait, that's not going to happen.

Unless that whole spinach turning into a new heart muscle (true story) is going to happen with building a whole new leg, I do believe that on August 31st I will wake up, and still be disabled. Much to everyone's sadness, mine included. Well, sad that I know it isn't going to happen, not that I miss my leg, because I don't.

What I miss is being able to move... efficiently & effectively. I can move, sort of the same as an 89 year old. This was something I wasn't really expecting. Especially two years out of the gate.

As I type, I am not even wearing my leg, due to a tiny little ulcer that is wreaking havoc on the "medial epicondyle" (which is the location kinda right next to your knee on the femur) .. but that is the location of the where your bone is round on the end .. and now that this leg is skin and bone, it's rubbing kind of awful.

Anyways .. I am returning to work at the beginning of September (I believe). I must wonder how many prosthetists know people that return to work two years later, and do not have a proper leg yet, that works.

There is that slight oversight in the disability claim people. I mobilize with my leg, not in a wheelchair, but that is what they claim. I can work in a wheelchair, so therefore I can work.

Thanks guys ... love ya. Not.

My current level of function is this. Well, today I am "supposed" to be hopping with my walker. Although that is freaking brutal, so I have come to know, after hopping for a year, fuck. I walk with a cane, with my eyes cast downward. I can not walk and talk and concentrate on a task. If people brush past me, I immediately have a gumby like reflex that my free hand flies up, and I am locked into a stiff position, or somehow we could say I am having my own personal game of freeze tag. I walk next to walls, so people can't brush past me, I stop cold turkey if I have someone who approaches me from the front that isn't looking. I can't carry an object and maneuver through obstacles. I definitely can not go up or down stairs without severe concentration. I move as fast as somebody who is in their late 80's.

Who would have thought losing your leg, would have given you all sorts of hidden ripple effects in this.

Well ... it is off to work I go ... who do sue when you fall over? Asking for a friend. 

March is a Larch .. so far

Happy March 1st.

Today I can barely walk.

Yesterday was going down hill.

But I somehow still managed.

Today so far, every step is on the excrutiatory side of normal.

It takes 10 steps to even get me to be able to set this foot down, until it feels barely OK.

I fear calling the Lego-Man's office ... for a couple of reasons ... ONE .. he is not there, he is in Brazil. TWO ... I think he has someone on back-up, except I cringe at that thought considering that my very own Lego-Man has had quite a time figuring this out. And now he knows me, IF I go in ... the back-up person might destroy what little part of this socket that I have any comfort left.

I think my leg suddenly changed since last week, hence all this horrible-ness. The only way to describe this is to take your hand, place it on your other hand, over top of your blood vessels and tendons, then press down REALLY HARD, like put all your body weight into it, and rub it back and forth. It's a pleasant feeling no .. ? Your hand starts to ache, and your fingers tingle ... and all kinds of sensations start shooting along your hand ... no wonder this leg feels so shitty ...

Sigh.

I might need to traverse with the walker while this gets sorted out ... he's back on Tuesday .. SIX more days ... can I tough this out ... ? I'm not really sure ...

Another sigh.

And I only have a single leg to deal with ... there are some that have to deal with both legs missing, so I have it good ... I have it very good in fact.

Spirit me this ....

I went to spirit church the other night. I was not expecting anything, apparently I was glowing, with spirits. I think it had more to do with my bright pink polar fleece jacket with my very light grey/silver vest to go with it. I wasn't going to argue the fact, since I was spirit church and all.

The spirit church leader that night did point out an interesting piece, to which I have been greatly thinking about not just today, but in the weeks that have now since passed. One comment was the glowing feature, well cool, then she said I was working hard, but going in two different directions, and yet either direction wasn't necessarily the wrong direction .. and then she said to keep writing. OK, so here I am writing ... however; as much as I have thought about writing, I have been thinking lots about drawing. So I also grabbed a little TINY sketch pad, and have been drawing some random tidbits of objects & images that come to mind.

I was inspired a bit mind you, as I saw on good ole' Facebook that there was an autistic man that could draw landscapes from memory, like YUGE landscapes .... I immediately was drawn to his images as they were not by any means perfect, but what they did do was get your eye to see, and your brain just fills in the missing details.

So I picked up my little notebook and have started just filling it up, and to boot, I am using a crappy pencil. I think I will find a sharpener eventually, or even matter so, go and find the drawing pencils that I know I have around here ...

In other things far less exciting ... I am sorta getting a bit tired of this whole leg not working thing I have to deal with. Everyday I wake up and it's a balancing act as to what I wish I can do, what I can potentially do, and what I can actually do. That said, I can manage a great amount, until I can't do anything, any longer. It's sorta on the "obnoxious" side.... my lovely Lego-Man says I just love that word. And when referring to my leg any longer, the word just sorta fits... unlike the leg. He is on vacation right now. I very much think that vacations are obnoxious, especially when I am NOT the person on the vacation, and specifically when the person that you want to see is the vacationer. Next week I will go see him, I am certain that I will be perfectly pissed at how this leg is treating me by then, as if I am not already at odds with it at the moment.

All the above nattering aside, I am grateful and thankful for the continuous attempts that this guy has tried to master for me. This hasn't been easy, this hasn't been straightforward, and this road has long yet been traveled. AS always, I recognize this is only a single leg I am missing, and despite being sometimes temporarily enraged, I send good intentions to the universe to have this swing positively in my direction.

If I am talking with the spirits .. then hopefully my gang of followers will see to it that this comes to fruition.

Wow....

So am currently sorta terrified ... of many things...

World order. (No LIE!)
A bug with long antennae that I found on my dresser (NO LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

How in the holiest of ickball evil doings did a bug end up on my dresser .. ? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW??

It completely bombastardly took me out of my ability to drift into sleep .. all I could see was this bug drifting about ... I couldn't catch it, it slipped beneath the neatly stacked bunch of magazines ... and that was the last I saw of it. Complete and sheer violence on a first world problem level of horror.

WHERE did the little bastard go??

So yesterday ... I got out the vacuum ..  and vacuumed forever ... in the bedroom.

The issue isn't completely the bug .. but HOW the bug got on the dresser .. I want to know NOW!! I feel like Veruca Sault when I squeal like this.

In other worldly events .. holy chitballs... the unfolding events of our neighbours next door, and the impact on the rest of the human population is pretty unbelievable at this point ... I wonder how long this trumpleton will stay in power ... with this amount of delusion ... some semblance of sanity will have to be given back to the peoples to our south. Wow ... am feeling pretty sad for the majority that were outplayed by the simpletons ... and thus .. the twitter feeds are my next new BFF's.

In other gargantuan tasks .. have started the building of a new leg today ... this should be interesting .. considering that I had some steroid pumped into me on Friday ... and HOPEFULLY that will settle down the beastly cyst that has developed inside this little leg .. PHASE 433 in leg building ...

I went for a walk up and down the street today ...  just for some fresh air .. and that way I moved a little ... I totally remind myself of a wobbly little drunk lady .. I am wondering when that vision is gong to melt away .. tomorrow I resume gym activities .. recumbent bike here I come ... along with treadmills, stairsteppers, and weight lifting fitness apparatus ... this "BINCH" is doing the workout !!

WOW. 

OH, it's slightly nothing ...

My eyeball is kind of swilling about being red ... but I think, it's slightly nothing.

I might have a secondary autoimmune disorder ... but I think it's slightly nothing.

I had some bloodwork drawn the other day, it was sorta our of whack .... but I have a feeling it's slightly nothing.

I went to the gym for so couple of hours prior to the bloodwork .... which upon reading about the bloodwork it stated to not exercise prior ... so I think it's slightly nothing.

My socket still isn't fitting me right ... but I think that THEY think it's slightly nothing.

I'm not sure if I am doing damage to this leg/hip while out cruising around... perhaps it's slightly nothing.

I got a RAISE in my disability payment ... $80, no wait ... it's a $70 ..which is slightly better than nothing!

I am meeting a group of friends for lunch today ... now that is cooler than doing nothing !!

Ranting up a storm

So the rains have hit this Wild West Coast ... good thing .. cause I can rant about that as well.

I am not completely sure how I got this blog back up and operational, but for this moment I have managed. It wasn't exactly very easy either ... there isn't a step by step process what to do, or exactly how to go about retrieving your blog off the internets or the App Store, since it no longer exists in the App Store ... and yet there is another hidden entitity of some form that makes you believe you are using your blog. .... ANYWAYS ....

Before the storm .. I had a friend of mine ask me if I wanted to travel with her down to the great Americas for a day ... and a night ... and another part of a day ... I said sure !! I am the perfect co-pilot ... give me coffee, and a breakfast sandwich, and scenery and this "binch" is good to go. (That's the handsomesons GF's word for Bitch") ... but now I have stolen it ... we will not be telling her.

Back to my adventures ... somehow "Starbucks" messed up my highly confusing order of "dark roast with some cream" ... I do not know what the hell I was slurping on .. but yes folks, this binch eventually gave up drinking it .. I never did figure out what it was ... I think it was freaking steamed milk or something ... but it was vile. If it had been steamed milk with some sort of coffee bean or sorts plunked into it, I would have continued to slurp away, but there was NO SLURPIDGE to be had. I just couldn't. What a coffee binch I have turned into ... ha!

So I never got to go Pike Place Market, we drove past. I wished I could have gone, but probably good I didn't... my BINCH of a leg would not have taken me that far. Double sigh.

We did cruise along where the "crab pot" restaurants were .... but there were so many restaurants .. and I only liked the one with the pretty neon sign !!

We went to a couple different restaurants... a breakfast diner, a place called "chinooks" where it was the tasty fish tacos that I dined on, and then I instructed by friend on how to eat the bread ... 'only eat the top part with the melted butter!!' .... most de-lish ... then the next day we went to the Olive Garden ... what a dining experience that was ... however now .. I am going to prepare eggplant parmasean ... that was elegant beyond experience!

I was most fortunate to meet my friends 87 year old aunt, where two short weeks before was on deaths door ... sepsis ... from a bladder infection ... so ya .. that's right folks ... those stubborn parents and grandparents you have rolling around ... life isn't about winning when you almost die all aone .... she has moved into rehab, and more than likely a lovely carehome where she can still have all her freedoms, and yet have meals delivered, and people surrounding her ... and valet parking when her friends and family visit ... that's the way to age well ... it was most lovely to meet this lady ... as she happily sipped on her starbucks latte and munched on her coffee cake ... this lady is absolutely not ready to leave this earth yet ...

In other adventures of uselessness ... I had and ultrasound done on my leg yesterday ... which ... was a waste of time .. because the Dr. Had ordered it back in August ... well a shit ton has changed since August ... and the reason for doing the ultrasound NOW is different ... at any rate ... no answers, other than there is fluid at the end of the residual limb and who knows what else ..  so now hopefully we can move on with getting this leg to fit right. GAWD!!

I went to the gym yesterday ... cruised along on the treadmill, and then rode the bike ... I didn't do it with any HUGE gusto .. but non the less did it ... tomorrow I will return. I will lift weights, and trudge on the treadmill, and do the stair stepper more than likely ... I have to somehow work off my January fudge festival!!!

Not much ranting ... but did manage to do a small sum of things today .... laundry, knitting, watching "Schitt's Creek" .. (It's a MUST WATCH all you Netflix folks!), drove over to the recycle place ... well first had to load all the recycle stuff .. which was an effort in it's own right ... carrying boxes of glass down a ramp ... BIG times for this one legged BINCH ... rant out !!

Freaking Friday the 13th.

Seriously.

I am really starting to DESPISE this whole blogger thing. I BELIEVE I have gotten down to the bottom as to WHY I haven't been able to write much .. it's more than likely because I couldn't. Oh trust me ... I tried ... but was met with the app simply shutting down, and not a save point in sight. 

So I am tired of the constant bull shit that has to go on. Simple stuff like this, doesn't work. Somehow I have found a way into this blog, but it doesnt look like my blog. It's a wall of white .. not a pretty backsplash of pink and orange swirls. I would say they match my curls, but as I get OLDER my curls are becoming less and less. Hot damn.

So this is about as frustrating as the whole walking fiasco is turning into. And it's a fiasco. EVERY corner I turn is a hurry up and wait procedure ... EVERY corner I say people. I am waiting on a system that is in no hurry to accommodate you, a very nice rehab doctor that has a case load of 500 people so the second you are out of his face, you are long since forgotten, then you have a leg guy that isn't going to make a single change until you see the rehab dr, which is like winning the lottery if you can get in to see him within a 3 month period of time. I have now been unofficially "let go" from rehab ... which is slightly problematic since learning to walk all by yourself with a whole new socket is pretty darn annoying. The whole process is turning out to be pretty fucking annoying actually. 

The truth.

One would not think that learning to walk would NOT be this fucking annoying... but it is. I have a leg that is pretty impossible to fit, I have a mind that is driven to keep propelling forward, and yet I am going stopped up by the process. I barely get a LEG UP on the situation, then the LEG UP changes a slight bit, and I am back to square one trying to figure things out .. in the meantime the waiting process of these slight adjustments are hugely annoying. 

EVERYBODY is .. "oh it just takes time" .. well that's very SPECIAL to be told "it take's time" ..... how about we trade this very instant and the conversation of "taking time" would freakingly stop this second. I will gladly exchange the useless visits and trips to see people that are busily waiting on the next person to make their move in this chess game. 

This is going on FIVE years. FIVE freaking (FUCKING) years. I have lost TWO jobs, never got to say good bye to people, have lost a ton of work acquaintances, lost a HUGE amount of income, and I am now answerable to a disability company where every move I make is scrutinized. Currently they are assessing my case YET AGAIN. The long and short answer is ... I can't walk people. I can't walk like I used to walk, I can't stand up and go like I used to go, I can't move like I used to move. EVERYTHING is an effort. An effort three-four times harder than once upon a time. But assess away ... hopefully they might come up with a better way to learn how to walk ... because ON PAPER this should not be taking this long ...  

All that aside ... I am eager to move on, I am eager to walk like a typical person again, I am eager to adventure forward with my new parts and pieces, I am eager to be a new state of me, I am eager to continue building my gardens, and rummaging around taking my pictures, and eagerly dreaming of adventures that await me .. I am eager, eager, eager ... however all this eagerness translates into frustration when the steps leading to forward motion is a methodology in chess play. 

And that is how freaking Friday the 13th this is all looking !!!