March is a Larch .. so far

Happy March 1st.

Today I can barely walk.

Yesterday was going down hill.

But I somehow still managed.

Today so far, every step is on the excrutiatory side of normal.

It takes 10 steps to even get me to be able to set this foot down, until it feels barely OK.

I fear calling the Lego-Man's office ... for a couple of reasons ... ONE .. he is not there, he is in Brazil. TWO ... I think he has someone on back-up, except I cringe at that thought considering that my very own Lego-Man has had quite a time figuring this out. And now he knows me, IF I go in ... the back-up person might destroy what little part of this socket that I have any comfort left.

I think my leg suddenly changed since last week, hence all this horrible-ness. The only way to describe this is to take your hand, place it on your other hand, over top of your blood vessels and tendons, then press down REALLY HARD, like put all your body weight into it, and rub it back and forth. It's a pleasant feeling no .. ? Your hand starts to ache, and your fingers tingle ... and all kinds of sensations start shooting along your hand ... no wonder this leg feels so shitty ...

Sigh.

I might need to traverse with the walker while this gets sorted out ... he's back on Tuesday .. SIX more days ... can I tough this out ... ? I'm not really sure ...

Another sigh.

And I only have a single leg to deal with ... there are some that have to deal with both legs missing, so I have it good ... I have it very good in fact.

Spirit me this ....

I went to spirit church the other night. I was not expecting anything, apparently I was glowing, with spirits. I think it had more to do with my bright pink polar fleece jacket with my very light grey/silver vest to go with it. I wasn't going to argue the fact, since I was spirit church and all.

The spirit church leader that night did point out an interesting piece, to which I have been greatly thinking about not just today, but in the weeks that have now since passed. One comment was the glowing feature, well cool, then she said I was working hard, but going in two different directions, and yet either direction wasn't necessarily the wrong direction .. and then she said to keep writing. OK, so here I am writing ... however; as much as I have thought about writing, I have been thinking lots about drawing. So I also grabbed a little TINY sketch pad, and have been drawing some random tidbits of objects & images that come to mind.

I was inspired a bit mind you, as I saw on good ole' Facebook that there was an autistic man that could draw landscapes from memory, like YUGE landscapes .... I immediately was drawn to his images as they were not by any means perfect, but what they did do was get your eye to see, and your brain just fills in the missing details.

So I picked up my little notebook and have started just filling it up, and to boot, I am using a crappy pencil. I think I will find a sharpener eventually, or even matter so, go and find the drawing pencils that I know I have around here ...

In other things far less exciting ... I am sorta getting a bit tired of this whole leg not working thing I have to deal with. Everyday I wake up and it's a balancing act as to what I wish I can do, what I can potentially do, and what I can actually do. That said, I can manage a great amount, until I can't do anything, any longer. It's sorta on the "obnoxious" side.... my lovely Lego-Man says I just love that word. And when referring to my leg any longer, the word just sorta fits... unlike the leg. He is on vacation right now. I very much think that vacations are obnoxious, especially when I am NOT the person on the vacation, and specifically when the person that you want to see is the vacationer. Next week I will go see him, I am certain that I will be perfectly pissed at how this leg is treating me by then, as if I am not already at odds with it at the moment.

All the above nattering aside, I am grateful and thankful for the continuous attempts that this guy has tried to master for me. This hasn't been easy, this hasn't been straightforward, and this road has long yet been traveled. AS always, I recognize this is only a single leg I am missing, and despite being sometimes temporarily enraged, I send good intentions to the universe to have this swing positively in my direction.

If I am talking with the spirits .. then hopefully my gang of followers will see to it that this comes to fruition.

Wow....

So am currently sorta terrified ... of many things...

World order. (No LIE!)
A bug with long antennae that I found on my dresser (NO LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

How in the holiest of ickball evil doings did a bug end up on my dresser .. ? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW??

It completely bombastardly took me out of my ability to drift into sleep .. all I could see was this bug drifting about ... I couldn't catch it, it slipped beneath the neatly stacked bunch of magazines ... and that was the last I saw of it. Complete and sheer violence on a first world problem level of horror.

WHERE did the little bastard go??

So yesterday ... I got out the vacuum ..  and vacuumed forever ... in the bedroom.

The issue isn't completely the bug .. but HOW the bug got on the dresser .. I want to know NOW!! I feel like Veruca Sault when I squeal like this.

In other worldly events .. holy chitballs... the unfolding events of our neighbours next door, and the impact on the rest of the human population is pretty unbelievable at this point ... I wonder how long this trumpleton will stay in power ... with this amount of delusion ... some semblance of sanity will have to be given back to the peoples to our south. Wow ... am feeling pretty sad for the majority that were outplayed by the simpletons ... and thus .. the twitter feeds are my next new BFF's.

In other gargantuan tasks .. have started the building of a new leg today ... this should be interesting .. considering that I had some steroid pumped into me on Friday ... and HOPEFULLY that will settle down the beastly cyst that has developed inside this little leg .. PHASE 433 in leg building ...

I went for a walk up and down the street today ...  just for some fresh air .. and that way I moved a little ... I totally remind myself of a wobbly little drunk lady .. I am wondering when that vision is gong to melt away .. tomorrow I resume gym activities .. recumbent bike here I come ... along with treadmills, stairsteppers, and weight lifting fitness apparatus ... this "BINCH" is doing the workout !!

WOW. 

Freaking Friday the 13th.

Seriously.

I am really starting to DESPISE this whole blogger thing. I BELIEVE I have gotten down to the bottom as to WHY I haven't been able to write much .. it's more than likely because I couldn't. Oh trust me ... I tried ... but was met with the app simply shutting down, and not a save point in sight. 

So I am tired of the constant bull shit that has to go on. Simple stuff like this, doesn't work. Somehow I have found a way into this blog, but it doesnt look like my blog. It's a wall of white .. not a pretty backsplash of pink and orange swirls. I would say they match my curls, but as I get OLDER my curls are becoming less and less. Hot damn.

So this is about as frustrating as the whole walking fiasco is turning into. And it's a fiasco. EVERY corner I turn is a hurry up and wait procedure ... EVERY corner I say people. I am waiting on a system that is in no hurry to accommodate you, a very nice rehab doctor that has a case load of 500 people so the second you are out of his face, you are long since forgotten, then you have a leg guy that isn't going to make a single change until you see the rehab dr, which is like winning the lottery if you can get in to see him within a 3 month period of time. I have now been unofficially "let go" from rehab ... which is slightly problematic since learning to walk all by yourself with a whole new socket is pretty darn annoying. The whole process is turning out to be pretty fucking annoying actually. 

The truth.

One would not think that learning to walk would NOT be this fucking annoying... but it is. I have a leg that is pretty impossible to fit, I have a mind that is driven to keep propelling forward, and yet I am going stopped up by the process. I barely get a LEG UP on the situation, then the LEG UP changes a slight bit, and I am back to square one trying to figure things out .. in the meantime the waiting process of these slight adjustments are hugely annoying. 

EVERYBODY is .. "oh it just takes time" .. well that's very SPECIAL to be told "it take's time" ..... how about we trade this very instant and the conversation of "taking time" would freakingly stop this second. I will gladly exchange the useless visits and trips to see people that are busily waiting on the next person to make their move in this chess game. 

This is going on FIVE years. FIVE freaking (FUCKING) years. I have lost TWO jobs, never got to say good bye to people, have lost a ton of work acquaintances, lost a HUGE amount of income, and I am now answerable to a disability company where every move I make is scrutinized. Currently they are assessing my case YET AGAIN. The long and short answer is ... I can't walk people. I can't walk like I used to walk, I can't stand up and go like I used to go, I can't move like I used to move. EVERYTHING is an effort. An effort three-four times harder than once upon a time. But assess away ... hopefully they might come up with a better way to learn how to walk ... because ON PAPER this should not be taking this long ...  

All that aside ... I am eager to move on, I am eager to walk like a typical person again, I am eager to adventure forward with my new parts and pieces, I am eager to be a new state of me, I am eager to continue building my gardens, and rummaging around taking my pictures, and eagerly dreaming of adventures that await me .. I am eager, eager, eager ... however all this eagerness translates into frustration when the steps leading to forward motion is a methodology in chess play. 

And that is how freaking Friday the 13th this is all looking !!! 

Seriously AUGUST !!!

Good Morning to the people of the Internet lands that fill my blogger feed with great stories and good laughs.

You have missed me, I can tell.

I can officially say .. I have been busy. Busy walking about, or bumbling along, given the time of day or the amount of flower watering I have managed through out the day.

Life is cruising along a predicted and steady path. I am gaining strength and speed, and losing gadgets along the way. I am "sort-of" down to using a cane, rather than a walker to motor about. That's a crazy amount of confidence to trust that your brain can think and react on two different playing fields. ALL.THE.TIME.

That's an accomplishment.

I have been able to "kind-of" adapt to walking and maneuvering on the lawn. Wow, what a treat ... Sort of .. Basically it means that I can get to my flower beds, but given the time of day, I can't do it when I am bordering on exhaustion .. It is VERY VERY hard ... Attending to two completely separate tasks, and doing them to completion is monumental!

Currently around these parts the heat has been hitting us a little on the hard side .. So I have to go it slow ... The leg doesn't exactly like being cooped up in a liner that does not permit any type of breathing space ... And embarking on any type of endurance or exercise or even movement (see above paragraph!) sparks a flurry of perspiration ... So pretty much all my movement is slowed considerably.

The other night I was out walking around the block with the four wheeled walker, a cane, and walking poles .. The husband says to me .. "Uhm .. If you didn't have so many gadgets with you, you might be able to walk a little faster .. !" ... I was trying out all the walking apparatus to see what was the easiest method of movement. I am still as slow as a snail. The Lego Man said to me that I was working at a disadvantage. Perhaps. My brain sees this as a huge advantage .. From here, it can only get better.

So my "government issued leg" will be slowly replaced by the $14,000.00 leg, if the insurance companies agree to it. I hope they do. It will improve my mobility & extend my ability to conquer lifes agenda ... Although I will not be able to get a hidden compartment for lipstick, or a USB port, or even Bluetooth ... But, it will give me the ability to freely move about ... With greater ease.

I went to the gym the other day to ride the upright bike at the community Center. They only had one upright bike. I didn't want to ride a recumbent ... The gym attendant helped me get on the bike, and even strapped my foot to the peddle, so it would stay on. I did mention that I would need help to get the foot un strapped, since I couldn't even reach it. No problem she said. After 15 minutes of riding, I saw her pluck upon a cupboard, reach for her purse, and yell over to some gym folks .. Alright people, I'm leaving, she said. WTF. There I was ...stuck to the upright bike with my right leg ...  The first and last time I go to the community Center gym.

I spent July 31st having an awesome day ... as much as I tried not to think of the monumental time that had passed since last year, the same day I had the leg departed ... I spent THIS July 31st with two of the boys friends, and the boy, and the girl in the back yard ... It was simply an awesome day ... One that makes me feel just so thankful that I am alive, and over the hurdles of the past four years. Big deal, at this time, I am currently learning how to walk, and virtually re-do life ... But THIS I can do !!

TODAY I am debating what is on my agenda ... So far I have missed walking at the tack, it is too hot to go now .. I want to garden, but that will lead to a hot and unhappy leg ... And yet .. I wish to NOT be stuck inside ... Which is why I do not wish to keep painting my picture that sits at the other end of this table .. So something of greatness will have to come my way .. I am thinking I am going to go for a car ride to the Americas .. I am going to bring my camera and take pictures .. I think that is what I am going to do ..

Off to find my passport .. Later my favourites !!!!

Seriously for REAL !

I have a leg home with me ... All weekend long .. I have a leg ... !!!

Yes, the dream of dreams has finally happened .. And I was able to bring my leg home on Friday, with the strict instructions I could wear it off and on for 3-4 times a day, a half hour at a time.

Friday I gardened (well, I chopped fallen branches, does that account for "gardening!"). I did eventually put the leg on, and bumbled about .. Me and my walker ..

Yesterday, I visited the sister, and her newly acquired "golden retriever" = "heart melter" for hours, which to me there was no purpose in wearing the leg, since it involved, on and off, and moving and stepping, and a whole lot of thinking about how to get the leg inside as it was pouring. Eventually upon my return, I had to do dishes, and then wash my hair, so I donned the leg for all that great excitement .. And then we went out, so that was it for yesterday.

Today ... Being just nine a.m. I am yet to put it on, and "I believe" the weather gods have cleared the schedule of rain showers and an over abundance of clouds, so that it will clear up, and I can resume my yard duties ... So the leg will certainly not be in fair use at that point either.

And to think, ... The physio was terrified that I was going to overuse my leg.... Currently my activities consist of things that it is simply easier to move about legless.

Go figure.  

June filled days

Wow. What a year.

This time last year, all things bad were coming to a head. Well, the volcano had already started erupting a number of months prior, however; at this point last year the writing was already on the wall.

Cancer was busily trying to take me down ... And it became evident that the cure measures had turned drastic. The long days from June, all the way to the very end of July were excruciating. A year later, and I am happy to let that horrific memory fade into oblivion.

Fast forward to this week. I was "promised" I could bring my prosthetic home LAST week, like the week before last. That didn't happen. I was probably slightly disappointed ... Given what I had gone through I said to myself ... Good gawd ... Did I shed a tear when I had to have my leg amputated ... Uhm no ... I certainly wasn't going to shed a tear when I couldn't have a leg when it was "slightly" promised to me ... And even at that ... I wasn't really allowed to do more than simply wear it while "sitting" ... So I wasn't that far ahead.

So this week coming up .. June 15th actually I think I am going to be "allowed" to have this leg "at home" with me ... So this is very exciting news .. Way more exciting than the abysmal news that I had  lived with this time last year.

Just to be clear ... Walking is hard .... It's very hard !! I am not complaining, nor whining, just an observation.

This leg continues to be a bit of a make work project ... I have a kneecap that is way out of kilter, I have to put on my leg that is not the normal way of putting it on, the muscles in the leg are developed in a different way than my left leg, numbness overcomes the leg when it stands in a dependent position, and the fact that it turns ice cold at the base of the leg. So, it has it's challenges, which makes the natural walking stride not so natural feeling. I think this is definitely all something that will definitely happen in time & familiarity, with more "wear" time.

In things full of comedy ... I got an X-ray yesterday .. Of this limb .. (To figure out what this leg is up to ... So the physio, Doc & LegoMan can sort things out ... They have determined they haven't ever encountered something like "this" leg, not sure how this is, but that's how it is) ... Anyways ... Because I actually "had" the leg on, the X-ray techs moved the wheelchair, and then the walker, and then said to me .. "Oh, just go over here" ... I had to say to them 3-4-5 separate times ... "So I know I have two legs  .. But I can't actually walk .. " Which is kinda funny to me .. Not sure how !

So happy to be here, on this June filled day. 

This guy ... Forever smiling .... He's just a character to the tenth degree !!

And this months love affair ... Brought to you by Rice Krispies, bananas, almond milk & chocolate syrup !!!