Almost the end of a decade.

Close call and all.

Schlepping in ... pretty much in the 19th hour ... just to say... HEY I MADE IT!!

I can’t even do a recap of the year, as that would take a shit ton of concentration, and this aging Wilba-Lou is almost out of memory juice!

I think it snowed in January, and the gluten girl and I went to a gluten fair. And sushi on Granville. When I USED to eat sushi, but I will get to that.

February, was (AND STILL IS) the shortest month ... SUPER SUPER SUPER big month for the WildBoy and the band ... they made it onto CTV ... did it take them anywhere ... not as “the people” promised ... THAT SAID ... what a truly wonderful journey, and not everyone can say they have made it to television, let alone to be picked out of 30,000 applications to be on a show. For me, I putted along at my irregular pace.

March.... that was the month the Sir and the boy dismantled trees from our trees. They chucked baseballs into the branches and then strong armed them to the ground. I have videos, hopefully I do not accidently delete them.

April. It was spring .. The Sir’s mom up and died on the 27th. Sad, almost shocking, but peaceful, in reality, not really a bad way to go. She left her house full of over 80 years of treasures, which we were now in charge of getting rid of. Bless her, in a way an atheist would wish to be blessed.

May .... I decided I was just simply too large, and had to shed some weight .. so I embarked on doing “keto” ... whatever that meant, but a change of tides was starting to happen. I completed my Diploma in Rehabilition & Disability Management at SFU. Wow, go me.

June ... I think I am losing weight!
July.... I think I am losing weight!


..... and then we will have to fast forward all the way to August when again I made my way to Port Alberni to see the wildboy. I went with my long time forever friend ... she claimed she did not recognize me in the parking lot. I will believe her .. since she wears glasses and all!

September I got a manicure after 28 1/2 years... after a day of gardening while not wearing gloves.

October we high-tailed it to Cannon Beach, it was a beautiful time. Our plans ran askew when the Sir got nervous about trying to visit with our dog, and my friends dog. I was super disappointed. So we made alternate plans, and in the end, it actually was for the better.  At the end of October I hosted an 80th birthday party for my mom ... it was a surprise .. and she was surprised .. gotta admit .. pretty happy over that event!

November sped along, and I managed to excitedly shed pounds and actually take beastly boy for a walk for the first time since having the leg re-assembled into a fake one. Him and I went eagle watching... it was beautiful. I became a “trainer” for amputee volunteers.

December is almost out the door, but not before I have set up my new tri-pod, taken photos, sent the girl to Disneyland, and have almost managed to lose 50 pounds. Oh, and I still do not have a new job!

I am once again hopeful and grateful for the good people, and good things that come to my family, friends and myself. May this next decade bring continued fulfillment in each persons lives.

Peace be with you.

What will this day bring?

Here is Bo Bo ... otherwise known by his real name Angus. Oh my gawd, what a dawg!

It’s only been a year and a half since I visited. Pardon my absence... it is good to know that life has existed beyond this screen.

I have done a zillion things, and nothing all at the same time. Which I think might be a good thing.

Everybody is older, wiser, smarter, crazier, accomplished, growing, funnier and changed.

The beautiful princess sort of lives here, she has a nesting place with her lovely shy boyfriend. The lovely young fellow completely still lives here, and he has a beautiful princess that visits often. The husbandman is still entrenched with building his tiny kingdom to new heights. This year he will be tackling another fence, and continuing to behave like Professor Potts aliken to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He is willing to go on vacation again this year .. back to Canon Beach I believe. Absolutely no complaints from me ... I pretty much love it down there.

BoBo, pictured above is the light of everyone’s lives with his BoBo antics and mischievous ways, and never ending need for attention, but not too much attention, along with wanting to play ball with the theory of “no take, only throw” approach, he still remains difficult to play with. BUT CHEEZUZ he is cute !!!

I have embarked upon another life changing event. I returned to the land of on-going education, and will complete a Rehab & Disability Management Diploma in 2 months time. Of course then, I am hopeful to make a transition into another occupation before I decide to stop working completely, and then live freely with my 10 thousand hobbies that I have acquired over my life.

I laugh at my complete missing a whole year on this blog, I think even at my worst I still managed a half hearted hello to the great folks out there in the blog-o-sphere.

There have been some great strides mind you ...

The girl is well into her second year at college. From there she will move onto SFU. She stopped iting her nails, and there is hope that she will stop pulling out her hair. She has a completely amazing view on life, and is actually very dynamic in her thinking, and should be a role model to young people struggling with life forces, and the power to overcome
The boy and his band made it onto a “big” {???} TV show that afforded them some air time on national TV, although when it hit the airwaves, it wasn’t like listening to them at all, so THAT was disappointing. All the same, he did get a chance to meet Bryan Adams, and given that they had recorded in Bryan Adams studio, that was pretty impressive I would say.

Don't fear folks ...

Everyday you wake up, behold there is something more to come.

Today I am reeling with the million dollar effect ...no, I do not "technically" have a million dollars in my pocket ... but I am feeling like it !

That's how quickly your life can change

THe return to work people are apprehensively waiting for the shoe to drop, so far this is all about the stars aligning ...and they have aligned just right for me.

Wow.

When you are smacked in the face with more odd reality.

I got a phone call this time last month, from the case manager handling my disability claim.

She said as of August 31st I was no longer disabled. I was very pleased to hear that. I can't wait for the 31st to roll around, and for me to pop out of bed, jump up, and carry on like I did over 5 years ago.

Oh wait, that's not going to happen.

Unless that whole spinach turning into a new heart muscle (true story) is going to happen with building a whole new leg, I do believe that on August 31st I will wake up, and still be disabled. Much to everyone's sadness, mine included. Well, sad that I know it isn't going to happen, not that I miss my leg, because I don't.

What I miss is being able to move... efficiently & effectively. I can move, sort of the same as an 89 year old. This was something I wasn't really expecting. Especially two years out of the gate.

As I type, I am not even wearing my leg, due to a tiny little ulcer that is wreaking havoc on the "medial epicondyle" (which is the location kinda right next to your knee on the femur) .. but that is the location of the where your bone is round on the end .. and now that this leg is skin and bone, it's rubbing kind of awful.

Anyways .. I am returning to work at the beginning of September (I believe). I must wonder how many prosthetists know people that return to work two years later, and do not have a proper leg yet, that works.

There is that slight oversight in the disability claim people. I mobilize with my leg, not in a wheelchair, but that is what they claim. I can work in a wheelchair, so therefore I can work.

Thanks guys ... love ya. Not.

My current level of function is this. Well, today I am "supposed" to be hopping with my walker. Although that is freaking brutal, so I have come to know, after hopping for a year, fuck. I walk with a cane, with my eyes cast downward. I can not walk and talk and concentrate on a task. If people brush past me, I immediately have a gumby like reflex that my free hand flies up, and I am locked into a stiff position, or somehow we could say I am having my own personal game of freeze tag. I walk next to walls, so people can't brush past me, I stop cold turkey if I have someone who approaches me from the front that isn't looking. I can't carry an object and maneuver through obstacles. I definitely can not go up or down stairs without severe concentration. I move as fast as somebody who is in their late 80's.

Who would have thought losing your leg, would have given you all sorts of hidden ripple effects in this.

Well ... it is off to work I go ... who do sue when you fall over? Asking for a friend. 

March is a Larch .. so far

Happy March 1st.

Today I can barely walk.

Yesterday was going down hill.

But I somehow still managed.

Today so far, every step is on the excrutiatory side of normal.

It takes 10 steps to even get me to be able to set this foot down, until it feels barely OK.

I fear calling the Lego-Man's office ... for a couple of reasons ... ONE .. he is not there, he is in Brazil. TWO ... I think he has someone on back-up, except I cringe at that thought considering that my very own Lego-Man has had quite a time figuring this out. And now he knows me, IF I go in ... the back-up person might destroy what little part of this socket that I have any comfort left.

I think my leg suddenly changed since last week, hence all this horrible-ness. The only way to describe this is to take your hand, place it on your other hand, over top of your blood vessels and tendons, then press down REALLY HARD, like put all your body weight into it, and rub it back and forth. It's a pleasant feeling no .. ? Your hand starts to ache, and your fingers tingle ... and all kinds of sensations start shooting along your hand ... no wonder this leg feels so shitty ...

Sigh.

I might need to traverse with the walker while this gets sorted out ... he's back on Tuesday .. SIX more days ... can I tough this out ... ? I'm not really sure ...

Another sigh.

And I only have a single leg to deal with ... there are some that have to deal with both legs missing, so I have it good ... I have it very good in fact.

Wow....

So am currently sorta terrified ... of many things...

World order. (No LIE!)
A bug with long antennae that I found on my dresser (NO LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

How in the holiest of ickball evil doings did a bug end up on my dresser .. ? HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW??

It completely bombastardly took me out of my ability to drift into sleep .. all I could see was this bug drifting about ... I couldn't catch it, it slipped beneath the neatly stacked bunch of magazines ... and that was the last I saw of it. Complete and sheer violence on a first world problem level of horror.

WHERE did the little bastard go??

So yesterday ... I got out the vacuum ..  and vacuumed forever ... in the bedroom.

The issue isn't completely the bug .. but HOW the bug got on the dresser .. I want to know NOW!! I feel like Veruca Sault when I squeal like this.

In other worldly events .. holy chitballs... the unfolding events of our neighbours next door, and the impact on the rest of the human population is pretty unbelievable at this point ... I wonder how long this trumpleton will stay in power ... with this amount of delusion ... some semblance of sanity will have to be given back to the peoples to our south. Wow ... am feeling pretty sad for the majority that were outplayed by the simpletons ... and thus .. the twitter feeds are my next new BFF's.

In other gargantuan tasks .. have started the building of a new leg today ... this should be interesting .. considering that I had some steroid pumped into me on Friday ... and HOPEFULLY that will settle down the beastly cyst that has developed inside this little leg .. PHASE 433 in leg building ...

I went for a walk up and down the street today ...  just for some fresh air .. and that way I moved a little ... I totally remind myself of a wobbly little drunk lady .. I am wondering when that vision is gong to melt away .. tomorrow I resume gym activities .. recumbent bike here I come ... along with treadmills, stairsteppers, and weight lifting fitness apparatus ... this "BINCH" is doing the workout !!

WOW. 

Freaking Friday the 13th.

Seriously.

I am really starting to DESPISE this whole blogger thing. I BELIEVE I have gotten down to the bottom as to WHY I haven't been able to write much .. it's more than likely because I couldn't. Oh trust me ... I tried ... but was met with the app simply shutting down, and not a save point in sight. 

So I am tired of the constant bull shit that has to go on. Simple stuff like this, doesn't work. Somehow I have found a way into this blog, but it doesnt look like my blog. It's a wall of white .. not a pretty backsplash of pink and orange swirls. I would say they match my curls, but as I get OLDER my curls are becoming less and less. Hot damn.

So this is about as frustrating as the whole walking fiasco is turning into. And it's a fiasco. EVERY corner I turn is a hurry up and wait procedure ... EVERY corner I say people. I am waiting on a system that is in no hurry to accommodate you, a very nice rehab doctor that has a case load of 500 people so the second you are out of his face, you are long since forgotten, then you have a leg guy that isn't going to make a single change until you see the rehab dr, which is like winning the lottery if you can get in to see him within a 3 month period of time. I have now been unofficially "let go" from rehab ... which is slightly problematic since learning to walk all by yourself with a whole new socket is pretty darn annoying. The whole process is turning out to be pretty fucking annoying actually. 

The truth.

One would not think that learning to walk would NOT be this fucking annoying... but it is. I have a leg that is pretty impossible to fit, I have a mind that is driven to keep propelling forward, and yet I am going stopped up by the process. I barely get a LEG UP on the situation, then the LEG UP changes a slight bit, and I am back to square one trying to figure things out .. in the meantime the waiting process of these slight adjustments are hugely annoying. 

EVERYBODY is .. "oh it just takes time" .. well that's very SPECIAL to be told "it take's time" ..... how about we trade this very instant and the conversation of "taking time" would freakingly stop this second. I will gladly exchange the useless visits and trips to see people that are busily waiting on the next person to make their move in this chess game. 

This is going on FIVE years. FIVE freaking (FUCKING) years. I have lost TWO jobs, never got to say good bye to people, have lost a ton of work acquaintances, lost a HUGE amount of income, and I am now answerable to a disability company where every move I make is scrutinized. Currently they are assessing my case YET AGAIN. The long and short answer is ... I can't walk people. I can't walk like I used to walk, I can't stand up and go like I used to go, I can't move like I used to move. EVERYTHING is an effort. An effort three-four times harder than once upon a time. But assess away ... hopefully they might come up with a better way to learn how to walk ... because ON PAPER this should not be taking this long ...  

All that aside ... I am eager to move on, I am eager to walk like a typical person again, I am eager to adventure forward with my new parts and pieces, I am eager to be a new state of me, I am eager to continue building my gardens, and rummaging around taking my pictures, and eagerly dreaming of adventures that await me .. I am eager, eager, eager ... however all this eagerness translates into frustration when the steps leading to forward motion is a methodology in chess play. 

And that is how freaking Friday the 13th this is all looking !!! 

A reason to write:

I just got back from rehab a while ago.

How free, lovely and boring of me ... I drive over to rehab, pull on a leg, and walk back and forth on a long wooden board with handrails ...

HOW IS THAT for cool and boring!!?!

Last week I had a little breakdown into tears .. Taking those first steps after many LONG months of enduring the process of hopping, and before that, the exhaustingly horrific months of constant mind numbing pain and fear that this horrible cancer was searching out another hiding spot in my body.

TODAY ... I said to the physio lady ... This feels like I am walking in my running shoe, except it's my leg ...

HOW BEAUTIFUL is THAT????

I have been avoiding this little space .. So much has happened .. And I am free to be... And that I am. I can't believe that I haven't taken the time to capture the shear excitement of my first steps ... But then again ... It isn't so awesome, everybody walks - more or less ... I knew eventually this is the space I would find myself in ... Which I am HUGELY grateful for ...

Yesterday I grimaced .. And the  physio lady asked if I was in pain ... "No, not at all", I said ... " I am just trying to concentrate" .... The reason being ... I am visiting the rehab department .. Where the majority of the folks are recovering from Strokes, and at my time, I am the only one minus a limb. All I could think about was ... "Deanna, when is it going to be your chance to start back again ... " All I could think about were the possibilities that were within reach of my own personal successes, as long as I kept walking... I was grimacing as I continued to take my steps because I was telling myself to stay focused in the "here and now" ... Stop looking to the future ... It will happen, as it happens... But I am so happy and thankful and anxious to further my journey ... And my journey with belonging to the stroke community ... And I just want to be back, making a difference, if that is what I am doing when I am there ...

I did find a reason to come here today ... I always wonder about the difference that I might to people in the world, and I feel that it is never enough ... At least not right now ... So I found myself hunting about on Facebook as a lunchtime distraction ... And I found this guy:

https://colontosemicolon.com/

https://www.gofundme.com/canadianbucketlist


TALK about making a difference, talk about changing people's lives, talk about a purpose, talk about the evils and ravages that cancer has on individuals and their families ... THIS guys single idea will make such a difference to people in their journey's .... I very much feel it is a worthwhile cause ... I felt a little inspired to come here today and whisper a couple of humour words ... Thanks to this stranger.

Under 30 crowd

Yes peeps, this is the truth ... You are the crowd, and I am under the 30 day mark of NOT writing on this little whiteboard of mine.

Much has happened, as it was supposed to ...

I finally had a revision of my little more than half healed incision line. FINALLY.  NOW, it is just a bit of time before this leg heals up. FFS FINALLY. That's all I can say.

The BOY played with his band. I missed it. BUT I got to see it on video. Ever more better I say !!

GUESS WHO can finally drive their car?? BIG HINT: Not my daughter!

Yes folks, I finally was able to sit my crooked behind into the DRIVER'S seat of my car .. What an experience ... I drove down the street kinda squealing..... Sorta lots actually ... And I drove around and around and around ... In circles ... Like my crescent is .. Well, it's more the shape of a super long track ... But all the same .. There I drove ... Around and around. An hour later ... I drove the girl someplace... Of course!

Then, I got adventuresome .. And drove down to the bear location. And just sat, breathing the moment of almost accomplishment mixed with freedom ... Finally the moment had arrived where I was starting to get my life back ...

The very next day .. I went off to the gardening place .. And purchased flowers ... Little by little things are happening.

Then, the next day ... Larger adventures ... I drove to Harrsison Hot Springs. Myself and the girl. She made me do it ... That's when I realized ... This is good, I can drive ... MY left foot just over. The first day out I was in silence in the car .. The continuous .. "Gas left, Brake right" .. Playing through my brain .. Then the next day .. I used some quieter music .. And then the next day I had the girlie girl talking at me, and we were playing music ... Every once in a while.. I thought in my head .. "Gas left, brake right"....

Yesterday in all things grand .. I was wildly wild .. Just wild ... About being stifled for so freaking long .. I was most upset with my back triangle yard ... Morning Glory has come in and taken over the last number of years, and I haven't been able to get a hold of it ... (Well, a hold of stemming it's tide of flourishing wreckidness !!) ... And I was tired of raking, fighting with my walker, and playing with the dog who insisted on dropping his toy in my way with every move ... And plunking out morning glory .. I just hate that shit .. Who invented SEEDS for it ... !!! ... So I eventually threw my walker ... Who knew that walkers could fly that far ... Sigh ... So then I sat there .. Thinking to myself .. SHIT ... Cheesus that walker went airborne .. How the fucking fruitballs did that happen ... ??? So eventually I sorta crab walked to fetch the freaking thing .. That is when the husband man saw me ... And helped me retrieve it .. Although I didn't ask him to .. Since the walker was "over there" because of me ... Good thing all things "dog" had been picked up .. And I had just raked the area free of debris AND I had gloves on ... There're are some good things to throwing your walker ... 

Moments of what ifs:

There generally comes a day when life slows down to the grinding halt of nothingness. Absolute nothingness. Any reasonable human can seriously ask the question .. You can't be for real?

And yet, I am.

Seven months of hopping around, it begins to take it's toll.

Not in a way that brings about sadness, or in a way of regret, but one of "let's go already."

I have come up upon challenges that are not challenges, but are in fact speed bumps presenting as hurdles. My mindset is still focused on that I can definitely overcome these speed bumps, I just have to stop envisioning them as hurdles.

My hip is tired. Very tired. I begin any task of the day, and I am sorta just worn out faster because this leg is tired of working for two. I have to remind it to be kind to me, and hang on, it won't be long now before it gets to share the work. I have to remember to be gentle to it as well. Which in actuality means that all the tasks that I do, I must simplify, and ease this legs burden.
I need my G.P. To sign a form, which she is impossible to get into.
I have to ensure any appointment I try to make with the G.P. That I actually have a way of getting to the location to see her.
I am anxious to have this V.A.C. Removed to begin my world of rehab. A place where my lovely runner sits quietly on a shelf, waiting for it to begin it's adventures with it's twin! I am certain how I can hear it bellowing .. "Hurry the FRUITBALLS UP you moron!!"
Now I have to go for a Bone Scan, which in my opinion is a waste of time. But that's what I have to do.
I have to start doing my exercises again, which will happen tomorrow, once I get this V.A.C. Off.
I am dealing with the guilt of not exercising this leg, which for me everyday not exercising it, has huge implications when I return to walking in the next number of weeks.
Now I will have to deal with learning to drive with my left foot. I am going to genuinely assume that this will just become habit, and my love to drive will be free to me once again.

This isn't really a list of horrible items, but these are the things that are on my mind, constantly.

Getting my life back into functioning order. This is what I am waiting for. It's only been seven months as a one legged version, but it's been going on FOUR YEARS in the process.

Good Wine text post - post meditation.

This is when things go wrong ...

I attempted meditation, which I am very much a believer in.

First time around wasn't so successful ... Albeit .. I am interested in it ... And appreciative of it, coming my way via the App Store. Thank you very much. ... For my much Apple-ness.

 Things that should be peaceful, mindful, gentle and rejuvenating, and this is how I end up ... With the thought process below. .... Ok seriously ... You have to wonder how my friends really do see me ...

And off I texted this:

Happy wine drinking day ... Will you ... Or won't you drink wine today, and more importantly .. Drink a good bottle of wine ... ?  I don't even know if you will get this message ... And THIS concerns me ... What happens if you don't find out it's international wine drinking day ...? You know ... I don't think it should be today ... This great even should happen in the summer time ... It seems way better of an idea around it .. Or wait .. They should combine the family day holiday with the international wine drinking day ... Now that would make for a great long weekend experience. I was just doing some meditation ... Can you tell ... I don't think it went well ... I got to the point in the audio where the guy is saying ... "Feel you hand tingling" ...well my right hand totally tingles .. All the time ... Non stop ... That would be from nerve damage from my hopping like a crazed person .. Anyways .. I am sitting here with my eyes closed .. Feeling the tingling ... And waiting .. For my next instruction .. So finally I open my eyes .. And realize the audio had stopped ... How convenient ... At least he had it right with the tingling hand. GAWD .... OK .. I might Have to  copy and paste this ... in the meantime ... Make time for wine!

It's good to be me. Other's might not be so brave.

Seriously ..... This is the ridiculous ....?

So the girl didn't pass her driving test. Shit. Now I can't ask her to drive me on Monday! OK ... Moving on to someone else then ...

Alright ... In things that are continued to be messed up:

There's a hole in the leg because somehow a staph infection & MRSA has invaded my space.

How did this happen ... ? All I know is that there wasn't an ounce of anything in it, as reported by a swab way back on January 5th, 2016. And now there is.

All the internet searching the Google-de-ness of the lands can not seem to find a good enough answer for me. I want to know if this MRSA is a skin & soft tissue, or a deeper wound ... Because it isn't just sitting on the top of my skin ... The wound has traveled down to be about a good centimetre plus in depth ... Will oral bug drugs be enough ... Cause I have an end of a tibia & fibula sitting there .... We're is that MRSA & staph finding themselves ... ?

So I think I have had enough of the stupidity ... Thanks a lot, and a bunch, and then some ... Just give me my not so fancy leg, let me stand, then walk, and move on ... K thx & bye.

There's a hole in my socket dear Liza dear Liza

Two weeks ago I had a hole in what should be my incision line smaller than a pencil tip. Today it's 2cm long by about 1.5 cm deep. I now have 6 days worth of waiting to see the orthopedic surgeon. She will look at it, look at me, and smile and say .. You need a plastic surgeon, not an orthopedic person, but thanks for coming in today.

I have been asking since September, then October, then November, and onto December at my monthly follow ups ... Should I be seeing a surgeon/somebody about this .. ?  In January,  the rehab doc decided that he wanted to see me, and then was surprised that it wasn't healed. I am surprised at all of these people being surprised by me ... They are ALL very young ... Very very young, very new to their practicing .. And then along comes healthy wild woman, with a very silent autoimmune disorder, which NONE of them have taken into consideration ... And they are SURPRISED by me ...

This game is getting boring. Completely boring.

The bigger part of the game is the fact that I need a plastic surgeon. One lady doc flat out refused. The other guy, who had seen me in the past, first said 3-4 months, then reneged and then refused to see me as well. Nice. Asshole. I asked him at some point way way long into the end of 2014 when all this cancer business was coming about, was he prepared to deal with a "scleroderma" type of  person, he nodded his head yes. Well, I have news for him, he should have shook his head NO, he was not prepared to deal with the oddball situation such as me. Things just go sideways. That's how it works, and I am not sure why.

In the meantime, I have a largER hole in my leg, it needs some "surgical intervention" otherwise this is going to months upon months of healing time. I'm done healing. I need to start walking.

In the meantime:

THESE things have happened:

The boy has nicely agreed to play a show with his band.
The girl is going for her drivers test this week. She also is starting a night school course. (Read BUSIER!!!!)
I have read two books: The Owl that Called my Name AND The Untimely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry. BOTH were excellent books! AND I have decided to return to my book club at the library ... And I have taken up a new pattern in wash clothe making. PLUS I have another two books on the go, and have another 2 knitting projects milling about.
Not a lot .. But enough that keeps me wild and crazy while locked up in this house.

Amputee Advice

Come and get it.

So I made someone cry today.

That's the biOTCH in me.

Or is it?

INCORRECT folks ... It was the full fledged KINDNESS that SOMEDAYS flows from my fingertips, that made this person cry.

They were commenting about being a fresh amputee, and I offered up some fresh amputee advice. Oddly enough, at this time ... I qualify!

What was the advice...?

It really wasn't all that amazing ... But amazing enough to help the person that needed it. When I look to the silver linings as to HOW COME I AM STILL motoring along on a walker ... Perhaps it was to HELP this one human alone ... Had I not been still hopping along, then this one person that benefited from my experience would not have happened.

So for that .. I thank the universe!

Back to the advice .. And NOT something that even the best of the "therapists" can offer up .. Since the experience is not "first hand" ...

So basically the person fell, and he did not remember how. AND since FALLING is a huge fear among MOST that have two legs ... It gets a bit scarier when one has ONE leg, and is a number of feet above the ground!

So I said:

Visualize: organize your brain so that every step you take with your walker is planned out. See yourself moving from A to B, and the steps to take to get yourself to the bathroom and back, or in and out of the car, or to move through a parking lot. If a curb is impeding the forward motion, then do not risk hopping over a barrier, but afford yourself the extra twenty steps. I would rather 20 extra steps of safety versus one bad decision that risks a fall.

Invest in yourself: Purhcase a pair of runners that will keep you stable. Wear them ALL THE TIME. No exceptions. Ever. Hopping is quite the work out. Keep the foot knees & hips happy at all times, your mileage will be A LOT further.

Put yourself on the clock: What I mean by this .. Is go to to the bathroom at regular intervals ...thus avoiding the need to "speed hop" to the bathroom, which increases the risk for falls. (BECAUSE remember ... Your brain is thinking BATHROOM, and not necessarily all the steps it will take to get there).

Be kind to yourself. Probably self explanatory, but then again not. It's not that I am saying .. "Ask everyone to do everything for me" ... It 's a case of letting go of the things that you have no control over. It's OK to let daily tasks go, more than likely "the next day" will be a better day to get small tasks accomplished.... Like the dishes! FOR EXAMPLE FOLKS: I had six towels leftover from the laundry that at first got dumped on the bed from the laundry, so I folded them, and returned them to the clothes basket. They were not in the correct location .. And every day it bothered me that I had not returned them to the bathroom .. So after three days of sitting there, (and a chance to visualize my steps to returning them to the bathroom all in one go) ..  I politely heaped them on to top of my walker .... And off I went. Task accomplished. That's what I mean about being kind ... Don't be hard on yourself with the tasks that were mindless trivial non events now come with a bit more thinking ... And that's ok ..

Reframe your thinking: Where you are today, will not be in the same place as tomorrow, next week, or six months from now. This is tough. It truly is, however when you are faced with adversity, you have to be as tough as what is being thrown at you. Take the time to acknowledge the frustration, and move on. HERE's and EXAMPLE FOLKS: So I CAN'T drive .. And basically it is boiling down to the governing body of the provincial government that is keeping me from this task. My first phone call was excruciating abysmal, I had been waiting months to hear from, only to find out that I wouldn't be hearing from them for months to come, many months. So I decided I had two choices, I could wallow in sadness, or madness (depending on the number of cups of coffee inhaled that morning!), or I could decide that this wasn't going to beat me down. My plan was, every week, on a Friday I was calling the transportation agency to talk to them, and ask them where I was in the piles of applications, and for the last three weeks I have gotten the same answer. Nowhere. HOWEVER ... That answer is easier to hear, when it comes at a slow steady beat .. BECAUSE eventually that will not be their answer ... And that is the moment that I am prepared for!

Recognize your fatigue: walking on a walker is like a work out that you weren't prepared for ... All the time! Chances are your energy will be better in the morning, so planning a big afternoon event if you have been busily doing things all day might not be the best of choices.

Realize this: despite the big adjustment ... Just know that whatever parts and pieces eventually come your way, will be WAY WAY better than the originals .. And again visualize how great it will be to move again!

Life is the experience of the moment. I challenge everyone to counter every negative experience with a positive experience. They are there, and only the universe truly understands why "perceived" roadblocks are put into our paths. Take the extra steps to carve out your happiness.

Today finally arrived.

This day took forever to get here.

I am fascinated that TODAY ... Arrived on the same day that a loved one had passed. I can't help but think of the reason for that ... !! I think that spirit father of mine had something to do with it.

My mom was fascinated with the spirit church thingy-majig. One day I will take her.

SO ... Today ... TODAY I got to stand on my lovely fake leg. It was so lovely to stand on that leg. Unbelievable beautiful actually.

My best best moment was The Lego Man ... Just sitting back, and giving me that moment of standing on that leg ... Letting me feel intact and whole again,... Letting me feel BETTER than I felt in so many months that have turned into years ... He just backed up, and let me have that moment of feeling like the person I once was, before this "thing" took over.

For comfort and safety sake .. I wore my green comfy vest ... What an unbelievable high.

Prosthetics ... What a pretty cool profession ... I certainly couldn't do it ... But GLAD somebody can!

Come here, sit down .... And ... WAIT.

OK... Really ... I would love to know the mind fuckers that have re-entered my life suddenly.

I say it happened suddenly ... Because it appears that is the case, when I wasn't actually paying attention.

MONTHS ago I tried getting my drivers license re-organized so I could drive with my left foot. The BC transportation safety board are working on applications ... From September 1st. I sent my application in .. In October ... Although I sent PART of the little bastard application in .. In September ... Meanwhile ... This BITCH has been immobilized by the 3.2 million drivers in British Columbia that someone has to deal with. Today ... I am starting to LOSE my patience at the stupidity. I knew this would happen. OMFG ... Just hurry up for craps sake .....

Then ... I called the Rehab's specialists office ... The very lovely secretary told me the wait to see the first plastic surgeon was 3 - 4 months ... I suggested it may not be best to wait for him .. Since he wasn't too much in a hurry to fix me when this WAS cancer.... Certainly NOW .. That it isn't ... He will be in that much LESS of a hurry! Moving onto the 2nd plastic surgeon now .... For the LOVE of GAWD ... Hurry this up.

Oh wait ... That's not going to happen on all accounts ... I am a NOBODY in this world of numbers, and face less names ....

Yes, too many cups of coffee ........!!!!!

Yoga-mat users anonymous.

Yesterday, well, last evening yesterday I used my yoga mat. To simply lay on. Is that being profoundly lazy or not? I did not have any real intentions to actually exercise the leg either. I happily layed there ... And watched "The Office" ... I didn't realize that it was truly a funny show ... OK WELL I knew it was a funny show ... Except I did not take the time to enjoy it ... Now I am ... Except for the small problem of me falling asleep on the yoga mat ... BUT only for a short time .... I didn't sleep for like 43 episodes or anything ... Despite me just documenting that I enjoyed the show .. I still fell asleep. Someone's not telling the truth I am thinking!

So I think I am still going to use the yoga mat today ... Because I actually quite like sitting on it ... Even though I am not so moveable while standing, I am very moveable when sitting!

In speaking/thinking of yoga mats ... The lovely physioga lady will be helping me out in the yoga department once the leg makes a re-appearance. We have determined that we will get some chair yoga going, and then once I can maneuver with the leg machine, we will transition to yoga-ing with the mat ... And me, STANDING .... Holy freazuker-luscious that should be mind bending awesome!

Must. Stop. There.

Can't get ahead of me, a LEG, and a Yoga mat!

Today WAS the day!!!

So today was the day it all starts ....

I start with the construction of a LEG!!!

I'm gonna get a leg.

A leg up.
A leg apart.
A leg down.
A leg worth of race.
My leg of this race ... Has arrived!

It is finally here ... Today was the day ...

BUT ....  Here's the funny part ...

I am only getting a leg, cause this has taken so long .... Not really because it's a real leg that I will be boomeranging around with any day soon.

It's a leg to appease my brain actually. A little snippet of reality of what is supposed to be really happening .... However ... It's not a real leg that can be justifiable HERE IT IS.

It doesn't make sense does it .... But that is the reality ... I am getting a leg, so I can just get going ... Get going on something .. And "on something" I will take.

So unbelievably excited .... FINALLY .... This woman is moving on! Just in time .. I got new runners too!

The Colour of Christmas Past.

So, I am on my own with this blog. Just me .... Writing to the world .... As to which I am the only one in the world that looks at it! Sometimes one would hope that someone would chime in and offer up some useless advise to my non stop ditherings ...  It may just be as well ... Since the musings and ditherings and complex thoughts can be just that .... Non stop!!

However ... This photograph has been on my mind A LOT !! I knew I had taken it back on the 26th of December .. And I remember it just being so beautiful and Christmas filled, and joy filled, and full of hope .... The bouquet was lovely, but I didn't want to capture the whole bouquet ... Although of course I should have ... Except that the colours are never the same as you remember ... So I wished to remember seeing the beautiful red & white and splash of green in the sunstream coming through the window. 

So in the meantime .. Life is genuinely complicated, in case NO ONE knows that. I have encouraged the people around me to write things down, let go of their thoughts, and release to the big wide world of who know what ... So this is me .. Writing junk down.

So I had the wheelchair salesman come today .. I did not want him to come, but he did. I really do not need a wheel chair .. But given some point in my life, I think I am going to need one, might as well just be prepared for the day that I need to utilize it .. Even if it isn't for another 453 years.

One more week till I have to go for this bloody mammogram .... Most obnoxious ... Having to wait this freaking long. Not much I can do about all this god damned waiting. My faint hope is the very fact that the radiologists know what they are freaking seeing on the CT scan when they are looking at it.

In the meantime, I have two other very VERY important people in my life that are going through similar situations. Both had screenings back in the middle of December, and were called back in to go for a further test. Of which they have both had theirs .. And I am still waiting. Like I said .. I fucking hope the radiologists didn't fuck up when they said it was ok to wait  for 10 weeks before my follow up mammogram. It does bother me, I can't help it ... The woman that just had her leg chopped off because of screamingly dangerous cancer has to wait for 2 1/2 months for another cancer screening test.  I am going to be downright FUCKING PISSED if this turns out to be more than nothing.

In other things sorta less but more stressful .... There comes a time when one has to start to consider what's up with the mother. Some of her decisions are a bit "out there" ... And because of that ... She is starting to show her age. Only 76, and highly highly functional and mobile, and independent ... But some of her thought processes are becoming odd. Like getting mad at the Vet Dr because she didn't think he knew how examine her dogs eyes. Or deciding to drive home, in the dark ... When she really  doesn't drive anywhere after dark ... For years. 

Of course there is always the dwindling head of hair on the daughter.... Although it looks like it is returning ... Now that the massive sections are growing back. One of my friends commented it looks like she has had chemo. Quite frankly she is not wrong. I should perhaps be more worried about her mental state ... But I am more concerned with her hair pulling as a very bad habit ... Until she is ready to put the work into make some positive change ... She will have to live with the consequences of having no hair on her beautiful head of what would be beautiful hair ... 

I am basically a week away from going to the Lego man .. Probably will now be the longest part of my life ... Just give me the fucking leg ... Holy crap .. This has taken long. Five and a half months to heal this poor leg ... And the muscle wasting due to very limiting use ... Awful ... So much change in the body image department ... I don't mind really being legless ... At least I don't think I mind ... I think in the years to come, I will actually be better for it ... As time deteriorate our bodies, my bionical leg will stand the test of time ... So OF COURSE I am looking forward to moving on ... With a new and improved segment!

We bought a new car ... It is a bright beautiful blue red 2016 Mazda CX-5 ..... Of course I haven't driven it .. Only driven in it ... As in a passenger! The day can not come soon enough to start the driving again ... Holy crapsville THIS process has already taken TOOOOOO long ... 

In other things taking too long ... September .. The boy is going to return to college .... That moment can come fast enough.

In other things that are taking long enough to be fucking almost eternity ... The girl and her fucking driver's license ... Holy freaking hell of hell's if she doesn't pass her driving test ... I probably might just lose my mind. I think I am at the bitter end of my fucking frustration with her, and this fucking driving. My husband has taken her out, many times, and basically has says she is a very good driver .... A natural .... That's all well and fine .... Her driving test is not for another 3 weeks ... It might as well be three years .. As far as I am concerned.

So being locked inside this home has been a bit trying ... And while I am quite stable ... And just simply taking one moment at a time .. I am more than DONE dealing with the little intricacies of life ... In this regard ... I will happily let January tick past .. And then will be happy to see February fade away .. And then hopefully will be well on my way with getting acquainted with the leg, and driving ... And then independence and gardening ... Very purposefilled work that has some real goal oriented activity! MIND YOU ... I am supposed to be knitting a beautiful TAM right now .. and I am busily being all super pokey about this at this very moment !!

In things that are otherwise keeping me occupied ... I have a crossword book that my good husbandman gave me .... And I am quite enjoying it ... It's all about CANADA ... And such .. So far, I am able to answer some of the clues .. And am slowly making headway at answering most of the clues ... I LOVE LOVE LOVE the little tag he wrapped it up with "To Make You Smart" he wrote ... Gotta love hat!

Well ... On that note ... Some frantic thoughts are "out there" .. Milling about the world free to float away I would guess .... 

Almost the end ... Near the end ... Happy for the end!

It couldn't be any truer !

This time last year I was quietly waiting for the end of the year, and hesitantly happy for the start of the new year ... Although apprehensive ... But all the same ... Ready to embark upon a year of recovery from a foot surgery.

Wow ... I got more than I bargained for ... An extended journey into hell, three surgeries, a bone infection, and a fourth surgery which resulted in my leg being amputee, my wound still not healing after five months, no chance for a leg until at least February, and a license not amended so I could gain back some independence and DRIVE myself places! And the uncertainties of a CT Scan that will not be resolved until the end of January. This year has been met with truly some challenges.

Even still, I am in a way better place than I was at this time last year ... Although I am still missing my body part, it will come to me, and I will be stronger!!

I am ever so happy to be ending off this year in some solitude that life will resume it's regular pace, and I will be pleased to help individuals as the need arises. Sounds odd, but those "go fund me" pages that request money for things ... To help people out ... They are a good thing ... So I have decided. Where currently I can not do errands for people, or offer up any type of hands on help, I can offer up the gift of money, in their times of need.

I so can't wait for the end of January to make it's appearance ... !!!! A leg, a tooth, and a left gas peddle adaptor are all on the horizon ... Now all I need is for that sunrise to make it's debut!! I will be so grateful for the end of this year's darkness ... It's almost the end!!!!